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AMA

I've got a restraining order against my ex-partner. AMA.

13 replies

SaveItForTheBirds · 04/09/2018 18:53

It was over 11 years ago now but something I still think about a lot and can still get anxious about from time to time. Ask me whatever you like.

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LeeBee11 · 04/09/2018 19:16

What did he do for you to walk away? How long were you together? What did he do?

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SaveItForTheBirds · 04/09/2018 20:08

What did he do for you to walk away? How long were you together? What did he do?

Hi LeeBee

We were together for two years and there was no big thing that made me leave, just an increasing environment of control and paranoia which, towards the end, had started to descend into physical violence.

The restraining order came from his actions after we split. Harassment, stalking and repeated unwanted contact of both me and my friends and family. I knew he had the potential to be violent and to be honest, I was shit scared of him. The final straw came when I moved house to a new city and he somehow managed to track me down (I still have no idea how) and turned up trying to break into my house at 2am.

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StateOfTheUterus · 04/09/2018 20:11

Has the order worked? Does he stay away now?

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StateOfTheUterus · 04/09/2018 20:12

Also - did you have to pay for a solicitor,m? If you did were you scared of whether costs would escalate?

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pippety · 04/09/2018 20:25

Poor you, that sounds terrifying. Did you feel the police were helpful/supportive?

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Belletower · 04/09/2018 20:27

How did you go about getting it? And what evidence did you have to provide to get one (I'm not asking for details, I would't want you to out yourself).

What kinds of restrictions can be placed on one? I have an Ex that will not give up contacting me on social media. I've basically shut everything down within reason but he always seems to find new ways of getting to me.He is never threatening, just will not let GO!

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SaveItForTheBirds · 04/09/2018 20:34

Has the order worked? Does he stay away now?

I think so... And by that, I mean I don't really have any proof that he's broken the order. But there have been times in the past when I've had silent phonecalls and other times when I've felt like I've been followed. But I have no idea whether that's my own paranoia. Certainly, I've had no more overt contact and for that I'm very grateful.

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SaveItForTheBirds · 04/09/2018 20:40

Also - did you have to pay for a solicitor,m? If you did were you scared of whether costs would escalate?

No, no cost it's all dealt with through the criminal court. You might be thinking of an injunction which, I believe, is fine through civil court (I think?)

To answer another question above re. the police, I found them to be absolutely wonderful. There was never any hint of not being believed and they really seemed to just 'get it' and understood how frightening it was. It also involved police forces from three different areas of the country and I found the communication between the different forces to be really efficient and surprisingly joined up.

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theaveragewife · 04/09/2018 20:44

What information did you need to have this put into place?

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SaveItForTheBirds · 04/09/2018 20:52

Hi belletower

Once I realised that my ignoring wasn't working, I contacted the police and they had 'a quiet word' with him. That didn't work, so they had a more official chat with him but still no legal action was taken. After that, he carried on but as I was moving away, I though the best thing was just to carry on ignoring. When he turned up in the middle of the night, that's when I contacted the police again and the whole process swung into action.

I may be misremembering but I believe I needed three examples of unwanted contact. These included letters, emails and of course, the showing up at my house. At the time, three examples seemed like a very low bar to warrant police action but I can see now, that if these people get as far as being in touch three times having been warned off by the police, then they're probably not going to stop.

The order that he was given was that he couldn't contact me in any way, indefinitely. The order didn't cover my friends or family but it was made clear to him that if he tried to contact me indirectly, they would take a very dim view...

I was worried about going down this route initially but it's so, so much better than living in fear. Knowing that you've got the force of the law on your side is very empowering.

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SaveItForTheBirds · 04/09/2018 20:57

Hi theaveragewife As above, three incidences of unwanted contact. In reality, I remember handing over a massive bag full of every single email, letter, text that he sent me. The whole reporting process was easier than you might imagine.

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theaveragewife · 04/09/2018 21:17

I’m happy for you saveit and from someone who didn’t keep the evidence and went through similar at around the same time I’d like to encourage anyone reading this to keep evidence...even if you love them and think they will never hurt you again..

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SaveItForTheBirds · 04/09/2018 22:05

Oh I'm sorry to hear that. Things were bad for a while when we were together, but I was scared of leaving because i knew that he wouldn't let go without a fight. I think that helped in the end because I was on high alert and collecting evidence right from the minute I left. I saw it coming really.