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THE BOOK EVERYONE'S TALKING ABOUT - or will be if you go into your local Waterstones, Borders etc and ask loudly where copies of Toddlers: The Mumsnet Guide are, rearrange their display, rifle through a copy and snort with laughter, demand they order copies if it's not in stock, go online and post witty, incisive reviews on Amazon etc, plaster publicity posters around your neighbourhood...

Talk Roundup
27 February 2009

babyetc

I am sacking my cat, declared MummyDoIt this week, "She is useless. I spotted a mouse dashing behind my dishwasher the other night. All they've been eating is the cat food! So not only does she fail to stop them coming in, she gives them her dinner. Useless animal." But aggravating cat behaviour award goes to Onlyaphase, whose cats chased a mouse behind some cupboards and so clawed at the floor tiles: "One of the floor tiles became unstuck from the floor, and was unfortunately sitting there, sticky side up, when the mouse ventured out. I was awoken in the middle of the night by the sound of two cats batting this floor tile - with spread-eagled stuck-down mouse on - around the shiny kitchen floor. (If you ever are in this situation, the best way to get the live mouse off the tile is by levering it off with a pencil.)"

Am I being unreasonable to not want to see someone blow-drying her MINGE in the gym changing rooms? asked Supermario, after witnessing a lady "squatting" over the gym's hairdryer. "Was she using any styling products?" asked a curious ClaraDeLaNoche. Further discussion revealed that Madsometimes's gym has a notice for this eventuality: "Please note the hairdryers must only be used for head hair." Wigglesworth thought this was a sensible approach: "Your gym needs a notice, perhaps an illustration? Something along the lines of a hairdryer being used to dry a vag with a big cross through it? Very subtle but gets the message across."

What do you do with sperm if you're a vegan? was the question on the lips of VeganQueen this week: "I really don't want to keep killing them. I'm wracked with guilt, I try not to hurt anything." "I think it would be kindest to abstain from sex to avoid the situation," advised mollyroger. "That way the sperm would stay in their natural environment, roaming free and wild." But VeganQueen protested: "I don't use a sperm-killing contraception, we use the withdrawal method to stop us feeling so bad." "You are one cruel woman," exclaimed SlightlyMadScotland, "Withdrawal is just as bad as self-love. Can you imagine being forced at high velocity through pipework which is contracting vigorously...only to be greeted with blinding light? Not only are you wilfully killing them, you are blinding them in the process."

Kathyis6incheshigh inquired about the least plausible lies your children have told after her three year old denied having an accident, blaming it on her brother instead: "He did a wee on my bottom." MadamDeathstare discovered small pieces of Sellotape all over her carpet: "Me: Who did this? DTD2: The cats. Me: How? DTD2: With their paws?" LadyGlencoraPalliser's SIL devised the hilarious ruse of scrawling her siblings' names onto walls to get them into trouble; her scheme was working perfectly "until she overreached herself one day and graffitied 'Mummy'". And finally, MitchyInge's toddler declared: "A burglar has been sick on my bed." One to remember for next year's Christmas meet up.

MORNINGPAPER XXX

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