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19 September 2008
A date for your diaries this week: Flamesparrow and NappiesGalore have been having executive planning meetings and you can now sign up for this year's London Xmas Do to be held at the Dust Bar in Farringdon on 22 November. That gives you more than a month before Christmas to recover from the hangover and realise that once again Marslady has snaffled your favourite scarf.
"Am I being unreasonable to think DH should get over it and just shag me?" snapped an impatient Naturalblonde, who is 39+5 and sick of being pregnant, "I told DH he put it in there so he should do his bit to get it out." BibiThree agreed: "Tell him to man-up and get in there! Has he no compassion?" "The man has a duty to step up at this stage," concurred Joolyjoolyjoo, "I made sure DH did, as I didn't see why I should be the only one suffering." Misi recalled approaching her DH only to be rebuffed: "All I got was 'Come near me and I'll cut it off.'" "I think that make-this-baby-come-out sex has to be the lowest point in anyone's relationship," declared TheProvincialLady, "Next time I'll be going for the Syntocinon."
Rhubarb was fuming this week after being doorstepped by an NPower pusher: "I just saw red... When she refused to leave and started to get arsey I shut the door on her." PigeonPie was confronted with a whole NPower gang this week: "Five, yes FIVE, NPower people standing on my doorstep (well, they couldn't all quite fit on)." FabioVicePeeperPlopper follows her own script for such calls: "Yes, yes, yes, what do you want. I have left the baby alone in the bath with some knives to play with. You have 15 seconds. Use them wisely." Flower3554 failed to interrupt an enthusiastic salesman's spiel recently: "I eventually put my hand up to his face and loudly said 'Sssshh'."
OMG I am the WORST parent EVER shrieked GodzillasBumcheek, who realised after her twins had left for school that her 'penis shaped vibrator' had been left out on the bathroom floor all morning. "Should I enquire as to whether they noticed it, or do I just forget that it happened and hope they NEVER ask?" Everyone agreed with KristinaM: "NEVER MENTION IT. They will be so embarrassed that people as old as you are still having sex." "My DS found mine once and said 'What is THAT??!'" admitted a remorseful MrsSnape, "I went bright red and said to him 'Nothing!' so he said 'It looks like a willy....' and I replied 'Stop being rude! If I hear you mention it again you will be going to bed early!'" But the most traumatised child was undoubtedly the daughter of BodenGroupie's friend, who rushed in one morning and shouted: "Daddy's gone to work and left his willy in the bathroom!"
And finally... Freudian slip of the week was posted by poor Slouchy, who was cringing after her confession: "I clicked on the history button while using my Father-in-Law's borrowed lunchbox. The shame... the sites are all about erectile dysfunction." Slouchy hurriedly realised her typo: "Obviously I meant laptop. What would Freud have made of that?" I don't think we need to ask.
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