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Talk Roundup
14 November 2008

Emma Bridgewater

Hello everybody, I am new, wrote Ladybirdsbutterflysandrainbows this week, "I joined earlier this year, but was put off by a woman or man who swore at me. Then I read a post by a rather revolting lady whose husband had a sexual fetish for dressing as an elf and had soiled himself when out drinking, so I left. I hope to speak to you all soon!! Xxx!" SmallShips, owner of the elf-fetish husband, was less hopeful: "You cheeky witch! Is there not some mini-beast loving forum to join if you don't like it?" By contrast, Meemar was hospitality itself: "Welcome back. I'm sure there will still be plenty on here to disgust you." But Ladybirdsbutterflysandrainbows was not to be lured in: "I am ignoring all your links. Anal sex and the like is not for discussion on the internet and you are just foolhardy if you attempt it after childbirth."

It all got a bit Lady Chatterley when GardenersTales discovered mysterious goings-on in the shed this week: "I've just walked in on the gardener, and my neighbour, in my shed. They are both male. I saw a video camera. They opened the shed, made up some cock and bull story about how the gardener was explaining how to re-pot tomato plants for the winter. They both had clean hands. They were not re-potting tomato plants." "Did he have a big tool or a little dibber?" squealed PuzzleRocks. "Was anyone shouting 'you hoe!'?" chortled AuraofDora. But KerryMum was worried it could be something more sinister: "Maybe they are a part of a terrorist cell."

Saltire won this week's horrid pet story award after discovering something disturbing emerging from her lovely little puppy: "I had to don rubber gloves and pull. It was like The Enormous Turnip, 'I pulled and I pulled and I pulled', and out came - a pair of tights, leg by leg!" Purplemonkeydishwasher's similarly greedy canine consumes anything from toys to dining room chairs: "The other day he vomited up the head of an elephant!" "In fairness, you would struggle to eat a whole one," noted Pagwatch. Littlestrawberry was taking note: "Thank you for all convincing me we aren't quite ready to get a dog."

Nine-year-old DD walked in on us engaged in noisy enthusiastic duvet-free sex last night, whimpered OrmIrian, "she turned on her heel and walked out. How can I tell if she's OK?" "DD once walked in on DH and me on the kitchen table," reassured Twoluvlykids, "I rolled off the table and landed in the dog's box and DH managed to hide his bits under the table." Heated recalled overhearing her parents "and offering to call an ambulance", while Ozziegirly remembered the night she found both her parents sitting nude in the living room: "It just made me assume that was what parents did once I was in bed." AvaTsar thought she had got away with some quiet action in a caravan, only to hear a little voice pipe up: "Is somebody pumping up the tyres?" But Frogs could only think of the credit crunch: "It's far too cold in our house for duvet-free sex at any time of day or night. Turn your thermostat down, save money, save the planet, and save embarrassment all round."

Congratulations are due this week to Wilbur, whose talented DS has been selected to be a mince pie in his school nativity play: "Costume help, please!" "Has he got any lines?" sniggered Needmorecoffee. MmeLindt was theologically confused: "Where in the Bible does Mary eat a mince pie before her home birth in the stable?" "If it's any consolation," offered SheikYerbouti, "I had to be a credit card in a school play." Now even harder to get hold of than virgin mothers.

MORNINGPAPER XXX

DAYS OUT AT THE NATIONAL GALLERY: the perfect antidote to the madness that is Christmas shopping. The Sainsbury Wing has Renaissance Faces: Van Eyck to Titian until 18 Jan 09 (admission £5-£10) and the Sunley Room has Sisley in England and Wales until 15 Jan 09 (admission free).

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