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Talk Roundup
16 May 2008

Cath Kidson at My Deco

I'm wondering why I have NEVER made the Talk Roundup whined KerryMum, "I am going to start thinking it's personal." "Desperation is offputting," suggested Custardo while Monkeytrousers confessed she was taking things too personally because she was "premental." WilfSell admitted that after she was mentioned in the Roundup, "I namechanged because I couldn't bear the fame." But not everyone was impressed, "I'd really like a more erudite Roundup," moaned BrassicaNapusNapobrassica, "I think MN roundup could be summed up thus: slapstick with body parts, excrement and swearing."

Talking of which, OrmIrian has come up with the perfect solution to dissuading noisy neighbours from their loud marital bed action, "When the silence of (presumably) post-coital bliss sets in, ensure that your 5 year old asks in a stage whisper (ie hissingly at the top of his voice) 'Mummy, what were they doing?' Well, I am assuming it works as we haven't had the problem since." Pagwatch sympathised with her plight, "our neighbours were doing the same most of Sunday. In the end I stood on the wall and shouted, 'Could you please stop that now; we are trying to eat profiteroles out here.'"

The Great British Travelling Public are such child hating wankerish gits according to Handlemecarefully, who had the misfortune to sit adjacent to a middle-aged couple on the Eurostar who "heaved, sighed and tutted and exchanged highly significant glances in a passive aggressive way when one of the lo's so much as muttered anything." A sympathetic Frogs recalled her fury on an Easyjet flight after being beaten out of the way by a "perfectly able-bodied couple in their mid-fifties" who pushed in and bagged the bulkhead seats with extra legroom, "Normally I'm very conscientious about preventing my children from kicking the seats in front, but on this occasion I just let them get on with it." NotQuiteCockney recommends booking Eurostar seats over the phone and asking for the child carriage, "it is mostly people with kids, so they all run amok ... There are a few childless people in there, presumably they were rude to the people on the phone?"

Oh no! I thought I was being kind and giving the workman outside a plate of soup but I'm sure he's thrown it in the bushes whimpered Nailpolish, "I hope he returns the bowl and spoon." "I would feel a bit of a plank eating soup from a bowl in the street," reassured Zippitippitoes, who also wanted to know, "is he hot?" "Is it socially acceptable to offer bowls of soup to random workmen?" asked a mystified MascaraOHara and HumphreyCushion urged caution, "He possibly thinks that if he eats the soup, he has entered into some sort of unspoken contract." "God, I hope he doesn't think I was coming on to him," worried Nailpolish, "I shall hang some washing out - DH's manly clothes." But BettySpaghetti thought this was unnecessary, "You need only to start worrying if he asks what's for breakfast."

I've just been told that vegans don't eat honey, shrieked a shocked Bubble99, "Is this true? I'd have thought that bees can, well...buzz off, if they don't like where they are." "It is stolen from bees," informed StopSpyingYouFreak. Puffling recalled making a terrible faux pas when asking for honey at a vegan shop, "I got the most chilling look in response. You might have imagined I was proposing to kill and eat bee meat, by the look I got." "I'm picturing a bee kebab," pondered Bubble99, while Janni can not forget the moment when, "at a Steiner parent and toddler group I heard a very thin, earnest mum telling another that she didn't eat honey because it was like a bee's breastmilk. I really didn't know where to go with that." I shall look forward to the calendar.

MORNINGPAPER XXX