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Talk Roundup
27 June 2008

Cottages 4 U

"I WOULD BE GRATEFUL IF PEOPLE WOULD STOP OFFERING SHITTY FOOD AT BIRTHDAY PARTIES!" shouted MintyandTink, "Shitty cocktail sausages - yuk, rancid carrot sticks, hard cheese ... CRAPITTY CRAP!" "You are not going to turn into the kind of Mum who brings her OWN food to parties, are you?" quivered Maidamess. "'Tis the hard cheese issue that is baffling me," pondered a practical Flamesparrow, "surely brie would fall off the cocktail stick?" "It's a party," thundered aDad, "The rules are that you serve up shit that kids like." "Do children still light the ends of Twiglets and smoke them?" piped up an optimistic MaryAnnSingleton.

What things do they not print in books that you wish you'd known about labour and post-labour asked Choufleur, who for her part would have liked to have known that the baby would sometimes go back up when you are pushing "but will eventually stay down and come out." Romy7 would have liked advance warning "that for weeks after you have given birth, people will still be asking you when it is due" while Biggreypants wished she'd known "That every wee for a week afterwards involved interesting positions in the shower and a towel to muffle the screams." Snickersnack wished someone had told her "That when you have your first shower after birth it will look like someone killed a pig in there." Turniphead1 wished she'd been warned "That paper knickers all come in size zero as some kind of dreadful joke" and PuppyMonkey was not prepared for the post-birth clots, which "had me on the phone to midwife at 3 a.m. thinking I had shed a kidney."

Another thread this week about embarrassing foot-in-mouth moments, as Miaou confessed that when asked whether her cats enjoyed the cat-food generously donated after a friend's cat was put down, she declared, "Oh yes, they think they've died and gone to heaven!" Greenlawn was raising sisterly eyebrows with a woman at the gym as they watched a middle-aged guy "doing some sort of weird pelvic thrusting" but when she murmured, "If he does that in public, imagine what he does in the privacy of his own home!" was distressed to be informed, "that's my husband." Similarly, ex-bar tender Peggotty recalled the grim evening when she informed a man accompanied by a teenage boy that he couldn't bring his son into the pub "to which he replied, to my eternal mortification, 'This is my wife.'"

Am I being unreasonable, asked KerryK, "to think that I should be able to eat a banana or sausage in my own house without DH turning into a randy 15 year old? Even my mum has commented that I am the only person she knows who looks nervous when bending over." But it wasn't just KerryK who was enduring a Carry-On marriage; Bungalowbelle admitted "I almost stopped buying cucumbers for this very reason" and long-suffering Badgermonkey admitted that her DH says 'hubba hubba' "every time he sees me take my top off. We've been together ten years - that's a minimum of 3500 times he's had the chance to see my breasts." Windygalestoday realised that things were rather too saucy on the home front when her son's nursery school reported that her toddler's morning greeting involved "slapping his teacher on the arse and saying 'Mornin' darlin!'" BEAUTlFUL though was concerned at the absence of double entendres in her marriage, "Yesterday I ate a carrot. Nothing." Perhaps she should try some crappy sausages?

MORNINGPAPER XXX

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