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Talk Roundup
4 July 2008

Cottages 4 U

Back in the Mumsnet Classics archive is the record of the night that TheArmadillo's DH posed the question, "Do you have a zombie plan?" Lulumama had seen the movies and knew exactly what to do, "I would run around in a skimpy vest and knickers, looking helpless and screaming" and 2-Brooms Boco reassured, "It's fine, if you hit a zombie with a stick they pretty much crumple and break in half." FrannyandZooey asked her DP whether he had a plan but "He looked angry and said 'Is this something to do with Mumsnet by any chance?'" Hunkermunker quizzed her other half and was informed, "He has a sword (don't ask) and that will be used to chop up any zombies who might breach our defences." Furball and her brother had not considered zombies but had a Cyberman plan, "My brother was going to grab his handles on his head and I had to pull his zip down." "The power of MN" observed an anxious Mytwopenceworth, "I now feel I really need a zombie plan."

If your children had been named after the place of their conception what would they be called? asked McDreamy, proud mum to Louis, Linton and Bude. OneLieIn revealed that her children would be named 'Sofa' and 'Shed' "or Sofa could be 'Waiting for a chicken tikka masala to arrive' but I think it sounds a bit long." Worryingly, Melrose would have given birth to a 'Canal tow path' while Idobelieveinfairies would have eight 'Jersey's; "I guess I would have to number them." Tiredemma would have been mum to 'Magalluf and Birmingham', which is pushing it but a definite non-starter on the Baby Names board would have been JudgeNutmeg's 'Westward Ho!'

Panic on the Good housekeeping forum this week when Chloemegjess had impending visitors and a "number 2" in my loo that won't flush. "A plumber's bonus!" chortled BettySpaghetti, and after the initial gasps of horror at her confession that it had been around for 'a few days', polite suggestions were made, such as using boiling water, bashing it with a stick from the garden and mashing it up with a coathanger. Hassled though, in true Mumsnet tradition had been there and done that. Faced with similar circumstances she "sawed a poo in half with one of the old gammy knives that lurk at the back of the cutlery drawer. That did the job (as it were)."

What exactly is Collective worship in primary school? asked curious "humanist/atheist" Dragonbutter, "the term 'worship' is worrying me." RavenAK set her mind at rest, "Everyone troops in to strains of 'Search for the hero inside yourself'. Head or suitable delegate waffles on for a bit about being nice to each other. Brief video of children in developing country foraging on refuse dump. Head/delegate explains that we are now collecting old mobile phones to help dump-foraging children. Football etc results. Bollocking about not keying the staff cars. If time, lame rendition of 'All Things Bright & Beautiful'." "Collective worship at school was probably what turned me into an atheist" reassured Fairymum.

Urgent help - I have trapped a live rat under a bucket panicked ratcatcher Blu this week, "What shall do?" "OH MY GOD. My worst rat scenario," gasped a shocked 2sugars, who has clearly never read American Psycho, "I would have screamed and run." Madlentileater was in a similar situation and tried to gas the rat using cheap household cleaner on a rag, only to make the rat woozy, "I had to grab a spade and kill it, felt like I was using my bare hands, and I was in total shock and swearing and screaming at the top of my voice while the nice girls from the school nearby walked past to their hockey lesson." Cocolepew recalled witnessing the day a rat wandered into her Gran's eyeline, "she grabbed her coal shovel, smacked on it the head, picked it up and threw it in the fire. The whole time carrying on with her conversation as if nothing had happened." Blu's rat was finally despatched by men from the council, "Yes, the council - notorious for its spectacular reaches of dismal incompetence in education, health, housing benefit administration, parking management, planning, regeneration, etc is quick off the mark in live-rat crisis management. They probably have a good zombie plan too."

MORNINGPAPER XXX

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