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Talk Roundup
8 February 2008

Luxury Family Hotels

All was neither calm nor orderly chez PrincessPeaHead Mansions this week after she decided to check her children for nits. On the discovery of "about 50 huge ones, the size of woodlice" she was understandably attending to her own crop when her daughter joined her in the bathroom. "She gets up, wipes bum, looks in loo and screams 'there are WORMS in my poo!' I look in - yes she does. And they are waving at us." And it gets worse. No sooner had PrincessPeaHead sat down to dinner that night, than the dog threw up. "I bet Cindy Crawford never had an evening like that" mused,Princesspeahead, "I'm rather looking forward to what tomorrow may bring. Perhaps a tapeworm for me?"

Which naturally had us all pondering our own personal Hell. Mumsnetters were at one in thinking that Hell would most likely contain toddler groups, bagpipes, vomiting children and Jeremy Clarkson. WigWamBam just knew that in her own particular version "MIL would be sitting in the corner with an endless supply of tacky gifts and patronising comments" and Sunshinemummy shuddered at the thought of being "forced to work out percentages over and over again." Meanwhile Madamez was filled with horror at the idea of being separated "across a spider-infested pit" from her DS "who was being looked after by Claire Verity."

High time to repent I think, and how better to mark the start of Lent than with our annual Mumsnet stoning of the numpties who can't make pancake batter? "BUY A LEMON YOU TWATS" barked CaptainCod with her seasonal advice "I am not the world's greatest cook, but Good God I can mix eggs, milk and flour," trumpeted GetOrfMoiLand. RosaLuxOnTheBrightSideOfLife elucidated her alpha mummy credentials with a request for a maple syrup recipe, "I had a look at the trees in the park this morning, but none appears to be the right kind for tapping." By contrast ThelittleElf, despite using a packet mix, confessed that she "totally arsed up" her pancakes. But she was not deterred, "Next time I think I'll just buy a nice pack of ready made ones."

Unholy thoughts from VinegarTits this week who confessed to fancying the I.T. Manager who had offered her a bite of his morning cheese toastie, "I'm single, I have 2 children; I think he has cats and maybe a casual girlfriend." "I think it's worrying that he has cats," fretted super-sleuth Padboz, "It implies the casual girlfriend is a decoy." VinegarTits reported back after a rendezvous in the staff canteen, where she noticed the object of her desire queuing up with another woman, "I overheard him say he might get chips for lunch, so I quickly retorted 'Are you eating again? You'll get fat, you had a cheese toastie for breakfast.'" Sadly his female lunch companion retorted, "And he already had bacon and eggs for breakfast before we left the house." Padboz was deflated, "I'm not paying for the film rights to THAT. Jeeez."

Nope, wouldn't even make a blog.

MORNINGPAPER XXX

MOTHERHOOD & YOUR BODY - With Mother's Day approaching we want to find out about the true cost of motherhood - namely how you feel about your body post kids and how that compares to how you felt before. So whether you're the yummiest mummy in town or more in the MNHQ mould and it's all gone pear shaped (literally) since baby number three, we'd like to hear your views. Plus there's a chance of winning £250 of vouchers for Sweaty Betty, so fill the survey in now.