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Talk Roundup
14 December 2007

Letterbox

This week there were warnings aplenty for anyone who is planning to watch their child's nativity production, when Deenymcqueenygoreandguts confessed, "I had to leave my child's xmas production today because I was so overcome with emotion I was in danger of making a complete twonk of myself." Jammydodger confessed that she cannot even listen to Rolf Harris's "Two Little Boys" without welling up, "I even tried to sing it at a karaoke once and couldn't finish it - possibly one of the most embarrassing moments of my life." SquonkaClaus admitted that she was howling in the car when Rolf came on recently, "I had just about recovered and got myself under control and on came PUFF THE MAGIC DRAGON!" Mincepiedermama thanked everyone for the warning, "I don't want to be a helpless dribbling wreck in the school gym hall in front of all the brilliant, coping, alpha mums." CadeLaideInAManger offered practical advice, "take sunglasses."

My friend told me she has had threadworms for 10 years, worried Ineedapoo, "She is a very strict vegan and won't kill them." "I cannot fathom how someone can have such strong vegan principles as to tolerate an itchy arse for a decade" spluttered ChubbyStuckForAFestiveNameBurd and Brandnewchristmaspyjamasgirl agreed, "Does she ever scoot across the kitchen floor on her bum?" Ineedapoo decided to take action, "I have just put on rubber gloves and unwrapped our pressies from her and re-wrapped them after wiping them down."

Am I being unreasonable to be planning a letter of complaint to the PTFA for poisoning my children at the Christmas fair? asked an irate Mincepiedermama, who was knee-deep in laundry after "my nearly three year old was sick several times in the night because someone gave him those disgusting sugar walking sticks." Seeker was confused, "I really do not believe that a child was sick three times in the night because someone gave him a sugar walking stick. Unless, possibly, if it was life sized." Food Sergeant Moondog advised Mincepiedermama to follow her lead, "Let your kids have a quick recce. Lead them firmly to approved activities such as tombola and 'pin the tail on the donkey' and then yank them away sharply when they catch sight of the crap and bundle them into the car screaming." "There's a lorra festive anger about," noted Pinetreedog.

How old do you have to be to be "a woman of a certain age"? asked a worried ChristmasSendsMePsycho after perusing the racks at M&S and deciding she was not quite there yet. "It's when you get a turkey neck" snapped Desiderata, "You look exactly the same for ten years, then you wake up one morning, and it's like the strings of a guitar that suddenly appear right underneath your chin. It's the same with your eyelids. You go to bed perfectly happy one night when you're about 39/40, and you wake up the next morning, and the fuckers have lost their gravity." Bobbiewicameuponamidnightclear thought that it was when a certain softness around the jaw appeared, "But I'm only 33. Another 10 years and I'll have to carry my face in front of me in a wheelbarrow." Desiderata agreed, "And you start to look dreadful in photos. This is because you are starting to look dreadful." Say 'cheese' everyone!

MORNINGPAPER XXX

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