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Talk Roundup
3 August 2007

If you're planning a trip to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival make sure to catch "How to Pimp Your Kids and shop for free at Watitrose." If you're a parent, if you're planning to be a parent or if you have ever had parents – you just can't afford to miss it. Call Fringe Box Office: 0131 226 00 00 or www.edfringe.com for show times.

As a fellow trampoline-owner, I had no trouble guessing the answer to Sallystrawberry's poser, "I've spent all afternoon putting together an 8ft trampoline, I got to have first bounce and guess what?" Sallystrawberry admitted having her first Tena Lady moment much to the consternation of trampoline virgin Allgonebellyup, "OMG do women really wet themselves or are you having us on?" But it was old news for Hippipotami who has experimented with different variables, "I always wet myself on the trampoline, and so does my friend. We must be bad cases because for us even going to the toilet beforehand makes no difference." 3andnomore advised a strict exercise routine, "Since I started exercising regularly I have really noticed that it all has gotten better down below...at first I would feel like I would lose my womb whenever I did Jumping Jacks." Undeterred, Sallystrawberry changed her undies and was soon bouncing away again, "It's great - I can see into all my neighbours' gardens and through some of their kitchen windows while I'm bouncing."

I'm quite sure that my mother would never have posted "Am I being unreasonable? when DP says he has earache to down half a bottle of wine and squeeze into my PVC nurse's outfit and parade with my syringe in an erotic and enticing manner?" unlike the adventurous Twinsetandpearls, "Who knows - I may be able to cure him!" Poor Daddy Pan appeared a tad flustered, "Has it suddenly gone warm in here?" and Dissle sounded scandalised, "If ever I bump into you at soft play, I don't think that I shall be able to look you in the eye again."

Let's update Topsy and Tim again challenged Martianbishop, who suggested "Topsy and Tim calculate their carbon footprint." Littlelapin couldn't wait to read "Timmy and Tim and the Civil Partnership" and geeky Gladbag wanted to know about "Topsy and Tim and the wireless routers." "Tpsy & Tm lrn 2 txt" suggested Bobbiewickham but Kathyis6incheshigh was fearful that the nation's favourite coordinated couple were nothing more than bully-fodder, "Topsy and Tim finally notice that all the other girls their age are wearing pink and all the other boys are wearing muddy colours with pictures of weaponry and they are the only brother and sister in the whole school in matching clothes."

Cliffhanger of the week was InShockAndAwe's I think I have had an immaculate conception after doing a pregnancy test "more out of boredom than a real belief that I could be preggers" only to find she was with child despite a period of abstinence spanning over two months. "I am sitting at my desk staring at the test. Have not called DP yet… That Joseph was a trusting bloke, but can my DP live up to his example?" "If it's younger than eight weeks you had better call Max Clifford," advised Peanutbear. Finally after several nailbiting hours InShockAndAwe returned from a scan with glad tidings, "I HAVE A BABY IN MY TUMMY AND IT APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN THERE FOR NEARLY 11 WEEKS. So to summarise: it is not the Son Of God." Peace and Goodwill to all!

MORNINGPAPER XXX

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