Talk Round-up: the really quite good stuff you might've missed

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Lock up your daughters (and eggs)

"If a man asks you to show him how to make an omelette - beware. For this is a sign that he is a sex maniac," <clutches pearls> Tell us more, JuanPotatoTwo.

"I know this for a fact because my mum has just told me. So be on your guard Mumsnetters, and don't say you weren't warned."

"DP asked me to show him how to do apple turnovers on Sunday. What perversions can I expect?" asked PureMorning worriedly.

"I thought an apple turnover was where you fart in bed and trap the other person under the duvet. Take snorkel to bed, just to be on the safe side," advised CallMeNancy.

"DH asked 16 years ago..." LTB! "... when will the sex pestery become apparent? Is there a gestation period? So far he is normal." Are you questioning Juan's mum's cast iron scientific hypothesis, Grantaire?

"I'm making a list of questions to ask my mum. Keep a close eye on your husbands until she has elaborated further for us," warned Juan.

More on this story as it develops...

 

"Oh God I just flashed the builder"

<pulls up a chair> Tell us all about it shovetheholly.

"It's 7.30 - I'm in my dressing gown and the door goes. I open it, hair all over the place, to find a bloke standing there in a high-vis jacket. 'I'm Paul,' he says. I look at him blankly."

It transpires that Paul is here to do the patio. But - PLOT TWIST - the gate to the back garden is locked, and the only key is with holly's DH at work. But our holly, ever the resourceful type, is undeterred.

"I decide that I need to use a hacksaw to remove the padlock on the gate." Bold move. "I march down to the shed, resplendent in my dressing gown, trying to look queenly and unconcerned. I march back up the garden with a hacksaw. I begin to attack the padlock with gusto.

"Eventually, after what seems like an age, the padlock is off. 'TA DA!' I say, while spinning around in triumph. At this moment, my dressing gown somehow moves faster than I do and flaps wide open. And I am wearing nothing but a pair of granny knickers."

"At least it was only your dressing gown with flaps wide open," pointed out JamesAndTheGiantBanana.

 

We don’t want to panic you - but Dr0pThePirate might have uncovered a global conspiracy.

"Why, whenever I open a box of aspirin or paracetamol, do I always open it at the end where the information leaflet is covering the blister packs?!"

"Pirate I'm a nurse. That happens to me, several times a day. It doesn't get any less irritating," sympathised TooManyButtons.

"I have a job where I need to get lots of the information leaflets out of the boxes. I'm always opening the end without it, so can I swap with one of you lot?" RafaIsTheKingOfClay, truly you have been blessed with a rare gift.

"Let me get this straight," demanded Dr0p. "You need the info leaflet, but never open the end with the leaflet? This confirms it: something strange is afoot.

"My theory is that something sinister is happening inside the box. If you were to try and throw the leaflet away, I'm afraid you might be confronted with an even more frightening scenario - the leaflet reappearing every morning."

"They are Schrödinger's leaflets," confirmed NerdyBird. "They are at the right and wrong ends simultaneously and you can't know until you open it."

<X-Files theme tune plays>

 

More from the Talk boards...

 

FFS! DH has lost the class bear

Best comment EVER on a school report

Everyday items you don't own

Retro menu items you miss

AIBU... to take a slow cooker to Disneyland?!  

 

 

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And remember, folks: a steady flow of LOLs can be accessed via our Facebook and Twitter feeds, so follow us for your daily fix. 

 

Previous round-ups...

20th March 2015

 

 

When life gives you lemons… make a thread double-checking what a lemon should look like.

"Just went to the shops as I needed a lemon for a dish I was cooking. I take said lemon to the till with a few other items which the checkout assistant begins scanning.

"She gets to the lemon and says to me, 'What is this?' I didn't know what to say, but managed to utter, 'lemon, it's a lemon!'

"Are lemons some exotic rarity that most people have not been exposed to?!" asked a bewilderedBunnyjo.

"Yellow thing, goes in gin? She's clearly not an MNer," pointed out JesusInTheCabbageVan.

"Could this be a new obscure ‘wind up the customer’ checkout game? I was asked what an avocado was last week." It's a CONSPIRACY, flora717.

Thinking laterally, Moln asked "Was the lady very small? Maybe she thought the lemon was a melon with pointy bits."

manchestermummy chimed in with this:

"I’m reminded of the time when a chap came to my till with an aubergine. I must have not put it through in the nano second he thought appropriate and so he yelled at me 'That is an AUBERGINE. Au-ber-gine. Do you hear me? AUBERGINE. You have no idea do you, stupid girl. Au-ber-gine. You'll find it under O'."

Anyone else really want a gin and tonic now? <wanders towards the HQ bar>

 

EXCITING WOODLAND CREATURE NEWS!

"My sister has found a badger under her decking - what should she do?" asked ratspeaker.

"I thought this was a euphemism," said a disappointed TruelyTurtles.

"Leave it alone and keep pets in. Like Tories, they are vicious buggers when cornered," advised Pipbin(NB Other political parties and woodland animals can be equally aggressive).

"Don't know about them being aggressive, but nothing smells as bad as a badger's bum." It sounds like there’s a story behind that statement Olinguito...

BADGER UDPATE: "Well, it’s still there. It dug a latrine last night, my sister says the contents didn’t seem too healthy." Top marks for use of the word latrine, ratspeaker - sounds impressively official, and conjures images of badger in hard hat, measuring out the dimensions for a trench.

And speaking of official...

"The technical name for badger poo is werderobe. How beautiful. The word, not the poo." This is the perfect nugget of trivia; thank you echt

 

Now for one from the vaults, which has been brought back to life by SlightlyJaded because it was just too sad to leave it sitting alone (also because it's brilliant).

"AIBU to eat a pea because I feel sorry for it?"

Turns out the so-called nest of vipers is more like a puddle of really soppy kittens.

"At work we have six machines which are used to do a specific role. We all have our favourites, and one afternoon we gave them all names. I regularly talk to mine and tell him how he's done me proud that day." Binglet you old softy.

"I spent about an hour today 'liking' photos of the ugly dogs on a pet shop’s Facebook page. I was upset because the cute-looking hounds had 10 or 15 likes PLUS comments. I felt a missionary zeal when doing it." Might need to think of a new nickhame eh, Toughasoldboots?

No-one, however, can top chrome100 for anthropomorphic senitmentality:

"I once went jogging on a spring day. The weather was mixed so I wore shorts under jogging bottoms, intending to remove and carry the trousers if i got too hot, which indeed I did.

"Several miles in I got bored of carrying the trousers and decided they were old anyway so I'd throw them in a bin.

"I ran 12 miles. Got home, showered and went to bed. But I couldn't stop thinking about my trousers all sad and alone in the bin, wondering why they'd been so callously discarded. I couldn't sleep.

"At 2am, I got up. Ran a good 90-minute round trip to the bin to retrieve the trousers (which thankfully were still there), getting back to bed about 4am.

"I still have the trousers. They are now 15 years old but I will never throw them out, due to the trauma they have already suffered."

<sniffle> I’ve got something in my eye…

 

More from the Talk boards...

babies and friendsCopy cat friends - sharing baby name?

Dealbreakers - lighthearted reasons to LTB?

Checkout etiquette - time for change?

"No beans on the bus" - ridiculous rules?

Work perks - what do you get? 

 

 

For more of the kind of chat that only Mumsnet can provide, delivered straight to your inbox each week, subscribe to Talk round-up newsletters

And remember, folks: a steady flow of LOLs can be accessed via our Facebook and Twitter feeds, so follow us for your daily fix. 

 

13 March 2015

 

 

LAAAAAYDEEEEEZ ANNNND GENTLEMENNN!

Step right up to witness one of the most hotly contested bunfights of all time - that's right, it's time to enter the cream tea danger zone and have a scrap about the right way to eat a scone.
 

Iiiinnnnnn the blue corner, the reigning (literally) champion: ChaosTrulyReigns.

"Butter then jam then cream. Vary at your PERIL." Now that's fighting talk.

"Butter, Chaos? BUTTER?! You heathen," spluttered HighwayDragon.

Luckily ShatnersBassoon was on hand to set the record straight. "There's a simple rhyme to help you remember the rules."

Thank god.

"Scone with cheese, butter please.
Scone with jam - put the jam on first, then the cream (must be clotted) and don't put ruddy butter on it you fat-crazed sleaze."

How did we not know this handy mnemonic?

 

A thread about indecent exposure AND typos <rubs hands with glee>.

Take it away MatildaTheCat.

"I belong to a club where I swim regularly. Recently the facilities were upgraded and now the spa facilities are mixed sex. Today I had my swim then went into the steam room - there was a young man sat opposite me. After a couple of minutes I noticed his penis was protruding quite, ahem, prominently from the leg of his shorts. I looked away then double checked... still there. So, WWYD?"

Naturally, this led to a finely nuanced discussion of wangs. "It's just a bit of skin," argued KingJoffery - till MatildaTheCat deployed the infamous [hmm] emoticon: "I actually felt a bit [hmm] and left."

Perfectly understandable, but - as TheCountessofFitzdotterel pointed out - "you do realise that in 'Threads I'm On' the emoticons don't display? So that reads as, 'I actually felt a bit and left'."

[blush]

To bring things to a rapid conclusion, NoArmaniNoPunani revealed that "an ex of mine used to want in Jacuzzis. Scumbag" (Typo. Also, eww).

 

Picture the scene. "Home birth. Twelve hours in. 7cm dilated, contractions every minute or so. Phone rings and DH answers:

'Hello? Oh, right. Yes, hang on, I'll just pass you over [tries to hand phone to me]. It's the bank.'

I look at the midwife. The midwife looks at me. We both look at DH. DH takes phone back.

'I'm sorry, could you ring back another time? She's having a baby at the moment.'

I then spent the rest of my labour thinking 'Have I gone overdrawn? Has my card been cloned?'"

Round of applause for spiderlight and her delightfully clueless DH. Still, he wasn't the only one whose good intentions went awry during labour.

"My husband fainted twice. He also, at one point during an internal, zipped his face up in his coat. Idiot,” offered 3isthemajicnumber.

"While I was screaming in pain lying on bed at home, not long before my waters broke, my partner said the immortal words: 'Are you sure you don't want a bit of this biryani?'

"No, I do not want biryani when I am screaming with pain." Why on earth not, sportinguista? <innocent face>.

 

bread in flat capMore from the Talk boards...

Food service - anything but a plate?

Petrol pump - what's the etiquette?

Power dressing - improve your career?

Pale skin - embrace it or fake it?

Terry Pratchett - MNers remember

 

 

6 March 2015 

 

 

Warning: the following contains scenes of nudity and mild peril.

Now that's out of the way, please proceed, MaloryArcher.

"Marks and Spencer just made me have a panic attack" <gasps and concerned looks>.

"I bought a control slip for a night out this weekend. In my correct dress size, may I add.

"I tried to get it up over my legs. Nope - wouldn't stretch. Then tried to get it over my head, and almost twanged my eye out. Tried again, got it under my armpits, and then it twanged again into a roll and I couldn't get it off.

"DS started crying, which made me more flustered and panicky. I started hyperventilating and going red, all while desperately flailing around my bedroom in high heels, minge akimbo, trying to hoik this godforsaken monstrosity over my head."

You don't even have to be the one strapping yourself into the Devil's undercrackers to fall foul of this terrible curse, as gaggiagirl can attest.

"My friend got stuck in a lace overlay-type dress in a Debenhams changing room. The lace top bit got tangled in her necklace when she tried to take it off, and the silky under-bit was stuck under her arms.

"I went to assist her, and pulled the top up so hard while laughing that I wet myself."

A lesson in hubris (and a reminder to do our pelvic floor exercises) for us all there. 

 

As Shakespeare nearly once wrote, "How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is, To have the feedback of an honest child".

Or as Thurlow put it, "do you ever notice how kids can be uncomfortably on the nose with the things they say?"

glidingpig knew exactly what she meant, and related this home truth from her daughter.

"Oh dear, Mum. I've got poo all over the inside of the toilet. But don't worry, we'll clean it next time we're going to have visitors."

<Looks guiltily at bottle of Harpic>.

daughterofliz offered this stone cold truth bomb.

"My brother, aged about eight, asked: 'What does 'bereaved' mean?'

"I replied, 'It means when someone in your family has died. So if Mum and Dad died, we'd be bereaved, and if we died, Mum and Dad would be bereaved, and if Granny died - '

"We'd all be relieved!"

<Looks guiltily at family members>.

 

Let's end with a rousing round of conversations that make you question your sanity.

Take it away, spiderlight.

"My mum was great at these:

'I saw so-and-so on the bus - her daughter's got a new job teaching at X school.'

'Whereabouts is that?'

'Right, you know the big road that goes up past the hospital? Well [five minutes of the sort of directions given by a 78-year-old woman who has never driven] and then there's a big red-brick school at the end?'

'Oh yes, I think I know.'

'Well, it's not that one. It's the one by the library.'"

We'll leave you with this heart-warming conversation between GotToBeInItToWinIt and her Grandma.

"'Ooh, did I tell you Auntie Edna had died?'

'I didn't know I had an Auntie Edna?'

'Well she's not your Auntie, obviously. You know, she lived next door to us.'

'Did she, where?'

'When we lived at x street.'

'That was before I was born.'

'Yes, but you met her once when you were about six months old.'

'Oh well, I don't remember' (obviously).

'Oh, that's a shame. Well anyway, she's dead.'"


That's it. We think. Maybe <wanders off>.

 

Also, in breaking news!

A new parliamentary report has recommended that the secret service recruit spies from Mumsnet. Dear MNers, are you ready and able to serve Queen and country?

 

change receipt

More from Talk

Tipping - necessity or never?

Ketchup - in fridge or cupboard?

Cheap wins - life-changing bargain buys?

Cringey moments - share the shame?

50 Shades - questionable WBD choice? 

 

 

27 February 2015

 

 

The award for Most Alarming Thread Title of the Week goes to…

"I just hoovered up the baby" by timeforacheckup.

"Well not completely, obviously," she confirmed. PHEW.

"I was hoovering the sofa while my one-year-old daughter pottered around next to me. I didn't realise she was directly behind me, and as I swung the nozzle back it made the 'I've sucked up something I shouldn't have' noise."

We all know that noise - it's a bad noise.

"I spun around to see her attached to the nozzle by her babygro."

"Ha! Give her a minute and she'll be shouting, 'AGAIN! AGAIN!'" said WorraLiberty.

But worse things happen at sea (and on Mumsnet)... "At least it didn't involve Immac," pointed out HighwayDragon.

Chuh, yeah - as if anyone would be that foolish!

 

And the winner of the Oh My God Why on Earth Did You Do That award is…

Icclemunchy: "Who on earth wakes a baby?" she asked, clearly bewildered.

"The other night after having finally got my five-week-old daughter to sleep for more than 20 minutes, I had a dream in which someone was telling me I needed to feed the baby - NOW.

"In my sleep deprived haze, I actually woke her up to feed her - what on earth was I thinking!?"

angry baby

Of course, there were many competitors in this ancient and noble sport of trying to function on extremely little sleep. First up, HippyPottyMouth: "I put a spoonful of coffee in my daughter's bottle along with the lovingly expressed milk. I cried."

Honourable mention also goes to BadgersNadgers: "I tried to breastfeed the duvet cover. I thought it was crying."

And last, but by no means least, TarkaTheOtter: "I tried to put the trolley in the trolley locker thing at Tesco cafe without removing my baby daughter from the seat. I REALLY needed coffee."

We thank you for your contributions, and wish you unbroken nights - and bottomless cups of caffeine.

 

And last but not least, we have the award for Yikes Do You Want To Rethink That One Matey?

"My husband just referred to me as 'an attractive lady'," grumped EddieStobbart.

Of course, it's not the compliment she is objecting to, but rather the fact he was talking to her like a vicar at an afternoon tea party. As wilmawebb put it, "Is his name Alan Partridge?"

Still, he's doing slightly better than jaffajiffy's partner: "The greatest compliment DH could muster early on was, 'you don't annoy me'. He's a work in progress."

But FarFromAnyRoad has you all beat. "Some time ago, a week after a fairly nasty operation, I was dressed up to go out to dinner as a 'cheer up' from DH. 'How do I look?' I asked. 'Not as dreadful as earlier' came the reply."

We'll leave you with LineRunner's wise words of advice: "Sometimes it's easier to just say, 'Do I look like shit?' - and hopefully get told no."


hand over face

More from Talk

Foot in mouth - pronunciation mishaps?

Creasing up - how to avoid ironing?

Sacred Sunday - what's so special?

Bridezilla - extreme wedding drama?

True or false - health 'facts' debunked? 

 

Last updated: over 1 year ago