Talk Round-up: the really quite good stuff you might've missed

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"My eight-month-old son has just eaten a leaf," announced Anticyclone.

"Well, that saves you cooking dinner," pointed out the ever-practical Gileswithachainsaw.

"I was practising my laid back parenting, so didn't tell him 'No' - I never expected him to swallow it!"

"A leaf is practically a vegetable," soothed AndHarry.

"My daughter ate a spider. I could see its moving legs hanging out of her mouth. She gulped the lot before I could intervene," heronsfly confided.

 

"When my daughter was one she grabbed a berry from the ground in the botanic gardens and ate it before I could stop her, saying 'nice grape'," added 306235388.

"It resulted in all kinds of trouble as the gardeners weren't sure (from my description and a bit fished out her teeth) what kind of berry it was. They kept saying 'this has never happened before' and my son kept wailing, 'Is she going to die mummy? Daddy might be cross about that' as all the other, better mothers glared at me."

See, you got off lightly Anticyclone.

 

<sexy saxophone solo begins>

"I am 42 and happily married, but last night I saw a man so exciting that I even dreamed about him."

Ooh sounds steamy - tell us all about it CatthiefKeith.

"I was with my husband at the time, who noticed and thinks it's hilarious."

Oh? How come he's not mad with jealousy?

"Because this vision of beauty was the ringmaster of the circus. I can't believe I am attracted to a man wearing guy liner." 

"Was it the outfit and the handlebar moustache?" asked SparklingBrook keenly, perhaps lusting after a circus man of her own.

"It must have been the jaunty red coat and the masterful crack of the whip that got you going," said squoosh knowingly. "Enjoy it, filthy dreams and all. You may even decide to run away with the circus."

"For some reason I can't stop picturing this man as Jim Broadbent in Moulin Rouge. Sorry OP, I'm sure he was lovely." Wait a second SoonToBeMrsB, are you saying he isn't meant to be sexy in that film?!

 

"If I see a cat, I'll stop and say hello and give it a bit of a pet, usually have a little chat - tonight I did the same with a dog outside the shop, a passing man looked at me like I had lost the plot. Surely everyone does this?" asked TheOriginalLEM.

Turns out Mumsnet is stuffed to the rafters with Doctor Doolittle types.

"I say hi to cows. They quite like a chat." We bet they milk it for all it's worth, Coumarin.

"I talk to anything that comes in the house - flies, spiders etc. I said 'come on, out you go poppet', to a bluebottle the other day and DP was in hysterics. He said he thought he was my only poppet." Tell him to buzz off, Instituteofstudies?

"Doesn't everyone talk to cats? You can be left looking a right fool by them though, if they stalk off with their tail in the air and ignore you." That explains the username, MyCatIsAGit.

"My husband talks to sheep though," she added, "I think that is weird." Well, ewe would.

Sorry, those terrible puns baa-ly made sense. We'll leave you to enjoy your weekend.

 

girl with fruit

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17 April 2015

 

 

English is a beautiful, idiosyncratic language and we don't take enough time to revel in its absurdity. Make yourself a cup of tea, then sit down and enjoy this excellent list of MN collective nouns.

"A fluffle of rabbits" - LaurieFairyCake

"A waddle of pregnant women" - DevonFolk

"A loveliness of ladybirds" - FizzyGood

"A snot of toddlers" - EcclefechanTart

"An audience of squid (true, just unbelievably odd)" - bayrans

"An embarrassment of pandas" - PeppermintCrayon

"A dose of crabs" <snigger> - Cloudhowe63

"An unreasonableness of Mumsnetters" - magimedi.

Tch, we're a nest of vipers, we'll have you know <hoists bosom>.

 

Now let's travel back in time with TrulyTurtles, and imagine Mumsnet in the Dark Ages.

"Oh wise ones of Style and Beauty, I'm a bit torn," she writes. "Which colours should I go for this spring? Should I go for shades of mud, oatmeal and dung - or should I be brave and jazz it up with some tones of ochre, charcoal and sludge?"

"AIBU to expect my sire not to use the last piece of moss in the privy without replenishing it?" muttered flamingtoaster.

BastardGoDarkly had her own fake Medieval problems to deal with: "I've got four pig's feet to last my family of 15 a week - any ideas?"

"My mother-in-law is reeeeally getting on my nerves," mused Queenofknickers. "She's got a big birthmark - AIBU to report her as a witch?"

"Nice easy answer there, Queen. BURN THE WITCH!"

Ahh 'BTW' - the LTB of the Middle Ages.

 

Y'know we were saying how enchanting the English language is earlier? Well, sometimes it's also terribly confusing.

"It was sometime after my O-level field trip to the coast that I realised the beach had sea defences, NOT seedy fences," admitted bonkersLFDT20.

"Many moons ago my husband was heard explaining to his parents that our daughter would be in the Scooby Doo ward. He'd misunderstood the hospital's abbreviation of SCBU," added notarehearsal.

Runawaysimba had an excellent Antipodean example: "In New Zealand, you see the word 'wallah!' in real estate listings every now and then. As in, 'swing open the French doors and wallah! A fully landscaped garden greets you'."

However, first prize must go to senrensareta.

"When I was a Saturday girl, Anais Anais was one of the top perfumes. I had a customer come in and say in broad scouse accent ''ey girl, 'ave you gorr any of that Anus Anus?' Not something I'd want to smell of."

Quite so.

 

10 April 2015 

 

 

As Terry Pratchett once wrote, "In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this."

"My house is run by cats," confirmed OTheHugeManatee, picking cat hair off her sleeve.

"Cat B insists that my husband patrols the garden with him every evening, with said cat sat on his shoulder like a parrot. The cat sulks if this doesn't happen."

LaurieFairyCake's family also suffers beneath the cruel paws of a furry dictator.

"Our dog died in December. Every night my husband took the dog and cat to the green at the end of the road so the dog could pee and the cat could climb the tree.

"Obviously, my husband still takes the cat for a walk at night to the tree."

dubdurbs concurred: "DubCat must have a lap to sit on as soon as she comes in from her outside adventures; if a lap isn't proffered, she will sit on the edge of her butcher's block and glower."

Butcher's block? Somebody hide the knives, for god's sake.

 

Now from pampered cats, to punk cats.

"On a train about 20 years ago, I saw two guys in punk gear - verging on bondage - with shaved heads, loads of facial piercings and tattoos, with a big fluffy white cat (it probably took about an hour to blow-dry to that level of fluffiness) in a basket.

"I've always wondered why they chose that pet," pondered daughterofliz. "It really wasn't very them."

Turns out Mumsnetters have seen some pretty odd stuff on public transport.

"I once saw a fight between a group of little boys with pea-shooters and a group of old ladies with umbrellas. The driver made them ALL get off." But who won, PlentyOfPubeGardens?

"The summer I moved to London, a barefooted man in a grass skirt hopped on the Routemaster bus I was on. He sat down at the back of the bus, unzipped his bag and took out a live python, which he wrapped around his neck." Great snakes <groan> CremeEggThief!

AlpacaPicnic had an an even more impressive animals-on-public-transport story.

"My great-aunt used to breed cocker spaniels for Crufts; her favourite dog used to frequently take herself to town on the bus, go for a walk, then get the bus back up the hill."

 

YouBetterWerk innocently asked about "the cute weird rituals and jokes you do with your DP" - and lo, the sweary floodgates of bonkers were opened.

Take this gem from ShumbTucker for example.

"Whoever opens the curtains must do so by singing 'Arsene Wenger, he's a wanker' in the style of the intro to the Lion King's Circle of Life." Naturellement.

"If we see a big spider, it's referred to as 'a badass motherfucker'," proferred MillieMoodle. "This is unfortunate; when there was a massive spider above my desk at work, I forgot where I was and shouted 'Jesus, that's a badass motherfucker' and legged it to the other side of the large, open plan office. Colleagues were most alarmed." Understandable, really.

Here's a fun game from Kickassandlollipops for when you next take your kids to the seaside. "We play sea wanker on trips to the coast , first person to see the sea is a waaaannnnnker!!!!!!"

And here's a slightly more esoteric family activity, courtesy of Maliceaforethought. "We will often grab a cat, turn it upside down and look sorrowfully at its paws, saying 'This kitten still has no mittens.'"

We'll leave you to decided whether the fact that cats have been mentioned in every thread in this week's round up is a complete coincidence - or proof that MNHQ is run by cats <reaches for Dreamies>.

 

 

Last updated: over 1 year ago