Guide to buying the perfect jeans
They* say there's a pair of jeans out there to suit everyone's body shape, but can this be true? It's not like we ask much of our Levis, all we are looking for is that they give us longer legs, a flat tummy, no muffin tops and a behind as shapely as a minor Kardashian. Easy-peasy, denim-squeezy.
Spacedonkey has the ultimate piece of jeans-purchasing advice, but it might not be what you want to hear. Her instructions to the denim-desperate of the Style & Beauty Talk board were explicit: "There's no way round it, you have to go and try loads of jeans on and see which ones fit the best."
And she's right, you know. There is no substitute for the schlep when it comes to getting the right pair, but it's worth it in the end. Do not take the kids, though. There is a reason why Ghastly Mum Jeans are so prevalent, and it's likely due to the presence of small children in changing rooms.
So let us, while keeping Spacedonkey's sage advice in mind, triage the purchasing process using body shape.
Flatter bottoms, terrific legs, slim hips and no waist (the last being a polite way of saying ginormo-stomachs). You are lucky. Choose whatever you want, pretty much, in the way of legs, apart from baggy boyfriends. Think slim leg, bootcut, that sort of thing.
Skinnies might be OK but do pay close attention to your... well, what are we calling it? That bit where your legs meet. We wouldn't be coarse enough to mention dromedaries. Look for a relaxed, wider, not-low-cut waistband to guard against muffin top.
"Gap Long and Lean. Name is misleading, they are 'long' becuase they a mid-rise rather than more normal low rise, and they are fab for apple muffins." BikeRunSki
Pear-shaped/hourglass women have a rotten time finding jeans to fit their generous bottoms and teeny waists, which is where a low-rise waistband is a godsend.
Bootcuts and flares can help with balancing. Sno-wash is to be avoided - everyone apart from Mariah Carey knows that dark denim rules when it comes to larger bottoms.
And don't forget that what you wear on top is important, as BDecorHate says: "Even a small bum can look huge if the top stops at the waist, especially if the jeans go up to the waist rather than sitting at the hips."
"Lycra is your friend." WickedWitchSouthWest
Oh yes it is.
Tall and rangy
You have won life's lottery, congratulations. Just be sure to wear the right length of jeans, please. The rules still apply, over the shoe or not at all. We mean it. Just because you're beautiful, doesn't mean you can do whatever you like. You might enjoy a Top Shop Baxter skinny jean.
"I've had mine for nearly three years, they haven't lost shape and they haven't faded which is usually the problem with black jeans." Peanutsmuggler
For curvy gals, the secret is to know the manner in which you are curvy - pear or apple - and behave accordingly. One thing it is worth saying, however, is to keep your jeans snappy and fitted, rather than hiding away in a mass of blue fabric. They make you look fat, which is a shame when bootylicious is an option.
"Gap Essential Fit are really good for thunder thighs if that helps anyone. Their Curvy ones are pretty good for the generously-hocked, too." Wolfcub
*The they, by the way, of the first line? Jeans manufacturers. And the bottom line is that they just want your money. So beware, if you can't find The Pair, don't buy a poor substitute. There are other clothes, it is not essential to own jeans, especially if they're the wrong ones. But if you find The Ones, please, please, please do tell everyone on the Style & Beauty board.