"This book is very thought provoking. Its certainly worth reading…"
This book is very thought provoking. Its certainly worth reading chapter 7 which sets out the principles of unconditional parenting - A lot of which is common sense, but it helps to have it written down somewhere.
My main issue with this book is that chapters 1 - 6 are all about what I am currently doing wrong as a parent. And chapters 8 - 10 are pretty much more of the same. Most of the examples that Alfie Kohn uses to explain how to apply unconditional parenting apply to older kids. As a mum of a non talking toddler I found it very difficult to see how i could apply a lot of the principles to day to day life. This book is in danger of making you feel like a complete failure as a parent if you take it on board whole sale and then ry and apply it to a very young child.
I think the author throws the baby out with the bath water. I admire the principles and think they are a good foundation for parenting but i simply don't agree with his assertion that any other form of parenting is coercive and manipulative and means you don't always love your child.
Good ideas but needs a health warning for parents who aren't secure enough to only take what they need from this book.Read moreLess
1 person found this review helpful.
"Alfie Kohn uses hard evidence to back up his seemingly…"
Alfie Kohn uses hard evidence to back up his seemingly radical approach to parenting.
While reading this book you will find yourself thinking "Of course that makes so much sense I wish I had thought of it like that".
Books that make grandiose claims based only on short term results drive me crazy. This is not book like that!
If you don't have time to read the book you can listen to some of his lectures for free on his website.
They are eye opening and well worth a listen even if you don't agree.Read moreLess
"I have changed my mind about this book. I got…"
I have changed my mind about this book. I got myself into a right state believing everything the author said, and came to feel completely hopeless about how to get my child to put his shoes on when he had no natural incentive to do so and I could not. Since I have tried a couple of things he would disagree with we are all much happier as a family as boundaries and expecatations and consequences are clearer. I do put reasoning and unconditional love first but I don't think that all the things that he claims are bad will communicate to your child that you don't love them unconditionally.Read moreLess
5 people found this review helpful.
"Very unusual book in that it doesn't focus on "how…"
Very unusual book in that it doesn't focus on "how to get your child to behave/do something they don't want to do but you want them to do" rather more it helps you to put yourself in your child's shoes, understand their point of view, in fact understand others' points of view generally. it is an all-round useful book on being a compassionate and humane person.
If you have ever thought, when considering star charts etc, "would I really give a stuff about getting a star for doing that" and worried that that kind of carrot and stick approach doesn't teach your child to value doing something for its own sake, then this is the book for you.
really thought-provoking book, that has really helped me to take a closer, yet more realistic view of my children and how we are together
can't recommend it highly enough
As an example of what this book recommends, here are some of his practical tips...
* Keep your eye on your long-term goals (ie, what sort of relationship you want with your child over the course of your lives)
* Talk less, ask more
* keep their ages in mind
* attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts (brilliant: we can all remember punishments/tellings off when someone just thought the worst of us, rather than the harmless real reason something happened, and the sense of injustice still rankles...)
* don't be in a hurryRead moreLess
6 people found this review helpful.
"This book is a very interesting read and a complete…"
This book is a very interesting read and a complete alternative to the punishment and reward type books that are very popular theses days. As he other reviews have said it is difficult to put in to practice and I have found myself having to re-read the later chapters, but well worth a read if you've had it with the naughty step and reward charts!Read moreLess
2 people found this review helpful.
"I would have to agree with the previous review. It's…"
I would have to agree with the previous review. It's a very interesting book, and I was really moved as I read - the points are well made, explained and argued. He says that if you use any rewards, bribery, coersion or praise then all will be lost for your child. For example, if you praise they will only act well to receive praise - if praise is not available they will revert to type and act selfishly. I can't buy that. Surely praise is good for building self confidence.
The points about communication and explaining yourself, even to your very young child are very useful. It also gave me an insight into how to make sure my kids know they are loved unconditionally and trying to make sure they know that (as he points out you assume they know, but that is often not the message they receive).Read moreLess
3 people found this review helpful.
"This is a radical book for parenting children of all…"
This is a radical book for parenting children of all ages. I liked it and agree with lots of it (as did psychotherapist friends of mine) but some of it is kind of hard to practise as a parent! He suggests that all kinds of punishments and rewards give your child the message that he or she is only loved IF they do as you ask, and that love-withdrawal techniques such as being sent to their room are particularly damaging. I have found that avoiding punishments and rewards works very well for us and staying focused on communication with my kids is very important. Of course we do need to have boundaries and stop bad behaviour and he gives suggestions for this. I can't believe that not praising your kids (as he suggests) is healthy, however, so we still say 'Well done' all the time!Read moreLess
2 people found this review helpful.