Labour and birth

Braxton Hicks | Bringing on labour | Membrane sweep and induction | First stage of labour | Transition and second stage of labour | Third stage of labour | Natural pain relief | Epidurals | Breathing during labour | Water births | Forceps and ventouse | Caesareans | Recovery after a c-section

Birth partners and doulas

Why have a birth partner? | What does a birth partner do? | How can your partner prepare? | Choosing the right person | Finding a doula

A birth partner is someone you know and trust who will remain by your side throughout your labour and support you when the going gets tough. It can be the father of your child, your mum, a good friend, a doula or even an alternative health practitioner, such as a homoeopath.

"My best friend asked me to be her birthing partner as her partner was squeamish. I had to be there in case he passed out. It was the most amazing experience I'd ever had. Whenever she wanted something, there was always someone to give it to her and she was never left alone. Her partner was fine and didn't waiver one bit at the sight of the placenta being delivered, which I found quite horrible." EmmaTMG

If you're having a home birth you can have as many people as you want to attend you - although you probably won't want a big crowd. Some hospitals allow you to have two birth partners, but check their policy first. (This is especially important if you're thinking of using an alternative health practitioner as some hospitals can be a tad awkward about this.)

You should also let your midwife know if you're planning on having someone other than your child's father attending you.

Why have a birth partner?

Studies have shown that having the support of a birth partner can lessen how scared and tired you feel, reduce your perception of pain and decrease the chance that you'll want an epidural, have a caesarian or end up with a forceps delivery. Strong stuff indeed - shame they can't bottle it.

"I had an amazing doula for both births and that really helped me to feel grounded and to know that things were progressing. I think her support helped me feel confident - although DD1's labour was very long I knew when to rest and when to be active, when to eat and when to sleep. So by the time I got to hospital I was already 8cm. If you don't want a doula of course your partner can be great too and mine was, but somehow having the support of a woman was even better - so I'd definitely recommend considering it." Mrs Malumbas

What does a birth partner do?

Support, reassurance and encouragement are a birth partner's main duties. How they provide them is up to you.

Maybe you'd like them to massage your back, ensure you're keeping your fluid levels up, feed you glucose tablets, tell you you're doing great when you feel like giving up, remind you to keep mobile, pass you the gas and air or just hold your hand and let you squeeze the life out of theirs.

If intervention is suggested, they should try to ensure you:

• Know what's going on
• Have enough information to make an informed choice
• Are given enough time to weigh up your options (where possible)

If necessary, they may need to ask for more information or a second opinion on your behalf.

"My husband was just amazing. We had talked both labours through in advance, so he knew exactly what I wanted. They were very keen to give me an epidural first time but I really didn't want it and he was able to explain my wishes. The second time they were going to do an episiotomy. He was able to explain to the midwife how I would rather have a tear than a cut. It was helpful to have a real advocate, someone who could talk for me when I couldn't!" Susan

They should also be aware that even though you might have written it in blood in your birth plan, you're allowed to change your mind about how you'd like your care to proceed at any point. Yes, it's their job to remind you that you didn't really want pethidine and why, but you're the one giving birth and what you say goes.

"He made me feel really safe - he'd done his homework, knew what was going on, and was absolutely vital to me and helped to make both experiences about as good as anything so painful could be! So all you dads just remember - whatever your partner says to you in the heat of the moment, the fact that you're there and trying to help really means something." Azzie

It's vital you feel relaxed and able to communicate freely with your birth partner. No one knows how they will react during labour, but your birth partner should be aware you may forget your Ps & Qs at some point and possibly behave in ways they had no idea you were capable of.

It will help immensely if they can don a thick skin for the duration and agree that anything said in the delivery room doesn't go beyond it.

How can a birth partner prepare?

You should discuss with your birth partner what sort of birth (in an ideal world) you'd like, as well as what choices you plan to make if things don't go quite as hoped. For instance, would you rather not have a forceps delivery/epidural/pethidine?

If you've got a birth plan, go through it with them. It's also a good idea for them to attend antenatal classes with you and, if you're giving birth in hospital, go with you when you do the the hospital tour.

Back at home, you should try to find time to practise your breathing exercises together and any massage techniques you might like them to use.

Choosing the right birth partner

It wasn't that long ago that a birth partner - if you had one - constituted your mum. Your partner's first glimpse of his newborn was of a swaddled bundle, dozing happily in your arms (by which point you'd done your hair, applied your lippy and looked remarkably serene)

Nowadays, dads are more than likely to be in at the, ahem, deep end, see the baby crowning and even cut the umbilical chord. Which is great if you both want that - and the vast majority of dads do attend the birth of their child - but if you've got any concerns about him being there, or he doesn't want to be there, it's important you talk about it.

Regardless of who else is in the room, labour is an intensely personal experience and you need to be able to let your primal instincts take over and focus solely on yourself.

You cannot do this if you are worrying your husband is hating every second, about to pass out or has just seen you poo yourself.

"My husband seemed to have some running banter going on with the midwives. I was really pleased they were chatting as I just wanted to retreat to my own little world and not have to acknowledge anyone around me. For me, his presence was important (there's no way I would have let him leave the room) rather than his practical help. That said, he was useful in passing me water and energy tablets when I needed them." Bon

"I think Dads should try not to be too vocal. My husband started off by 'talking me through' each contraction. Saying things like 'well done - it's nearly over now, you're over the worst' until I asked through gritted teeth how the hell he knew. So [partners should] always ask if what you're doing is alright, don't take offence if it's not and don't, whatever you do, try the gas and aid while chewing gum (as mine did) - it's not supposed to be your drama!" Roberta

If either of you feel uncomfortable at the thought of labouring 'together', then you need to sit down and go through all your concerns and fears and discuss exactly what you want from your birth partner and what your partner feels able to give.

It may be you'd be better off having a back-up (a friend/relative or doula) on standby who can take over if needs be. That said, if 'dad being there' really isn't right for you as a couple, then so be it. Who cares what the fashion is if it doesn't work for you? (Remember puff-ball skirts?)

Finding a doula

Doula UK is a non-profit association and can help you find a doula, ask the right questions and so on. Alternatively, you might like to post a request on Talk - several long-term members of Mumsnet are doulas and they have attended the births of quite a few Mumsnetters' babies.

Braxton Hicks | Bringing on labour | Membrane sweep and induction | First stage of labour | Transition and second stage of labour | Third stage of labour | Natural pain relief | Epidurals | Breathing during labour | Water births | Forceps and ventouse | Caesareans | Recovery after a c-section