BeckyP: I have a nine-month old boy, Howard, and have just found out I'm pregant. I wonder if you feel that finding out the sex of my new baby will help the transition for Howard from only child to eldest child?

Jan: I’m not sure finding out the sex of the baby will help Howard. He’s so little, the gender of his new sibling will be neither here nor there for a long time yet. But there is much that will help.

All firstborns need reassurance that their mother’s love for them is not eclipsed by their love for the newborn. And all children, especially one as young as your son, need to be shown this love, very clearly. The simplest and most effective way is to spend relaxed time with him, one-to-one, before and after the birth.

These issues are dealt with in detail in the book, but it’s not too soon to start thinking about extra support you could arrange for after the baby’s born. Do you have a friend or relative who could help on a regular basis? The sooner Howard feels relaxed and comfortable in their presence, the easier he’ll be able to handle them being in your home. Use this extra support to spend time with Howard, rather than focus all attention on the baby.

Even if extra help isn’t to hand, it helps to be alert to these issues and sensitive to our older children’s feelings and needs. That way, it feels a little easier to put the baby down occasionally and give the older child some time, attention and affection. This is so important. Much more so, I believe, than gender issues at this young age.

Liza: I have two boys, ages four and five and I want to give the five year old a big bike for his birthday. But my husband says the younger boy should also have a big bike. I don't think this is fair, especially as both boys are always treated the same and we have a certian amount of trouble with jealousy from the five year old. What is your opinion?

Jan: I have a bit of a problem with siblings being treated ‘the same’. They’re different children, at different ages and stages, with different needs, wants and vulnerabilities.

Personally – and every parent has to go by what they feel best for their kids – I’m with you on this one. I think it’s fair to give your five year old a big bike for his birthday. Your younger son can wait until he’s five. Or at the very least until his own birthday comes along.

Many parents give younger children a small gift when it’s an older child’s birthday. Maybe that would help, especially if your youngest is used to getting ‘the same’. But preparing kids for life means teaching them that they can’t always have something just because someone else has it; that you have to wait sometimes for the best things in life; that every age has its advantages. And a sibling’s birthday seems a pretty good place to start learning.

Best to chat these things over with your partner before any final decision is made. Maybe show him the sections in the book on individuality and identity, and meeting different children’s needs? You can borrow the book from the library if buying it is problematic.

Clairer1: Do you have any special advice regarding twins - I have identical boys (4.5yrs)? They are at nursery and I'm wondering about whether they should go into seperate classes for reception - everyone seems to advise seperation as much as possible but though they are close and get on well, you couldn't say that one is dominant.
Also how do you cope with one being better at most things than the other? I want to treat them as individuals but it's so much more complicated than that - one's success is almost by definition the other's failure. The one who's generally a bit less accomplished finds it very hard (and so do I).

Jan: My eldest two children are twins, so I really do understand your concerns. There’s a section in the book dedicated to twins and more. We can’t be more than brief here, but I don’t think there can be any strict instructions regarding separation – you will have a feel for what suits your particular children best.

Don’t underestimate, though, how strong children’s friendships can become at reception age, and how unsettling it would be for one child to be moved away from their friendship group later on in their school life. Most twins I know find the start of school in separate classes pretty strange, and then thrive. Many mothers have told me that their twin children are actually much nicer to each other when they spend less time together and have the opportunity to form individual friendships.

The final part of your question also suggests there are very big reasons why they may fare better apart. People compare siblings, twins especially. This can damage a child’s self-esteem for life if they feel from such an early age that they are ‘second best’ or ‘lesser than’ their brother or sister. It can also harm the child deemed to be more able, if they feel their recognition as a person, their identity, is too wound up in being the ‘good’ or ‘successful’ one.

How to support siblings of differing levels of ability is something we cover in depth in the book as it is something that most parents have to negotiate, and parents of twins especially. The brief answer is to help each child feel they shine, that they are loved and bring pleasure to you just for who they are, not what they achieve.

You might also want to get in touch with the TAMBA (Twins and Multiple Births Association) helpline – 01732 868000 – and the Multiple Births Association – www.multiplebirths.org.uk . Both provide specialist advice, information and support. Thoroughly recommended.

Peterpan5: How can I stop my two and three year old fighting - it was never this bad with the others?

Jan: Wow. A huge question packed into one sentence. It would be daft to attempt to reduce the contents of a book to a few lines, so instead, a few issues that it may help to consider:

Turn-taking (a much easier concept than sharing for young children to grasp) can be encouraged from a very early age, with turn-taking games and rhymes. This does seem to help young children see the mutual benefits of letting others ‘have a go’, in issues of choice as well as property. It’s an important step along the way to understanding compromise. Well worth encouraging.

Descriptive praise is one of the most effective ways to turn around problematic behaviour. When they aren’t fighting, we can tell our children how much we appreciate it and why. When children show flashes of kindness and consideration (and they will if we look hard enough), we can grasp the chance to praise and explain why it matters.

Your three year old is just about old enough to begin thinking through problems and possible solutions on a pretty basic level: ‘OK, we’ve got one bike and both of you want it. Can you think of a way to sort this out so you’re both happy?’ Children are much more resourceful than we generally give them credit for, and generally enjoy being treated as part of the solution rather than simply ‘the problem’. By encouraging them to resolve disputes for themselves, we help them take their first steps along the road to self-discipline. And every step they take means they’re less likely to need us to referee every dispute.

EK2: How do you deal with disclipline when one is much older than the other? We have a nearly four year old and a nearly nine month old baby who most of the time love each other to bits. But inevitably the baby lashes out - scratching or hair pulling or trashing a game - usually unintentionally or out of curiosity, but it doesn't always look like that. I make a show of telling him off but again inevitably it makes no difference. I've tried explaining to the eldest that he's just a baby but that doesn't wash when she knows she'd be on the naughty step in a flash if she did what he'd just done. It sounds a bit trivial but it's spoiling an otherwise lovely relationship and I can see that it seems unfair from her point of view.

Jan: You’re right. It does seem incredibly unfair to older ones when younger ones ‘get away with it’ – and to younger ones when older brothers or sisters are granted greater freedoms as they grow.

We can help by listening to their understandable moans and letting them know we understand: ‘You’re right. It is hard when a brother or sister seems to be treated differently’. We can explain why we have different expectations of different ages, and make it very clear that they would have been treated in much the same way when they were ‘little’.

It also helps to have a space, somewhere in the home, where favourite games and possessions can be left safe and unmauled by baby brother or sister. And to accord precious possessions special status: ‘That bear is your sister’s very special toy and we don’t play with it unless she says it’s OK’. Your little one is too young to understand all you are saying, but it will make a difference to your four-year-old that you’re saying it. Again, big topics, little time. Take a look at the chapter on Caring and Sharing. There are lots of good ideas, from many, many sources.

Mickie: Do you think there's anything in the "difficult middle child" cliche? I'm one of two and was brought up surrounded by people talking about middle children as if they were just bound to turn out a bit weird and I must admit we did have family friends who had tricky middle children. We have two children and are contemplating a third and I just wondered if there's evidence that the middle child usually loses out/ has extra problems. And if so do you have any ideas on how to help our lovely youngest make the transition to middle-one?

Jan: I’m pretty sceptical about any theory that implies that if you are the middle, the eldest, the youngest or whatever, you are somehow pre-destined to experience childhood in a certain way or grow into a certain ‘type’ of person. Yes, birth order is one small factor that may feed into the huge web of influences that shape experience and development, but it is a small one.

The research, as I see it, is pretty clear that many other things make much more difference to a child’s experience of siblinghood – the temperament ‘mix’ of the children in the family; family and social circumstances; and crucially, the nature of family relationships.

What really will make a difference to each child is not where they come in the family order but whether they feel noticed, valued, loved. Whether they have a voice in the family. Whether their needs and feelings are respected. Whether they feel they shine and are appreciated simply for being themselves, not how they measure up in relation to their brothers and sisters.

Scarlettsmum: My problem is with my sister. I am 36 and she is 34 and looking back I feel there has been tension between the two of us all our lives. I have one daughter and my relationship with my own sister causes me so much stress that it is putting me off having any more children as I don't want to put my dd through the same. The problem seems to be that we are unable to be honest and open with one another. It sounds stupid but my stomach goes over every time we speak because I am waiting for her to have a go at me about something I have/ haven't done. When our mum died she seemed to take her grief out on me and I was subjected to a torrent of abuse which hurt so much we didn't speak for four months.. I had to make the first move (as I always do) for us to speak again.  Unlike myself who has lots of long terms friends, my sister has been unable to keep friends for very long before they wind her up or do something to upset her. Deep down she is very loyal and loving but seems to have so much hidden anger. My dad left us when we were young and we lost our sister with leukemia. When my mum died aged 58 it left just the two of us. You would think that would make us closer but instead of being there for each other, the wedge between us seems to get wider. Our relationship upsets and hurts me so much and I am sure she feels the same (although she would never say). We both just pretend everything is fine when we know it isn't.. Everyone I talk to says she is jealous of me but she has absolutely no reason to be as we are both have very similar lifestyles. Sorry to go on but I wondered if you had any advice. I cannot be at peace with her in my life but it would break my heart to have to break ties with her. Should I resign myself to the fact that this is just how my relationship with her will be?

Jan: You are very brave and honest, and obviously care very deeply about your relationship with your sister, and about your daughter.

You are absolutely right, too, to raise these issues here. The final chapter of our book goes into sibling relationships in adolescence and adulthood, precisely because they are so important to us and because of the clear link between what happens between siblings in childhood and how they feel about each other in later life. Feelings rooted in our childhood relationships with brothers and sisters affect us throughout life and even into old age in ways we might never have imagined. Which is why what we do as parents can make such a difference to our children’s relationships, sometimes for life.

Please don’t let your relationship with your sister put you off having another child if this is something you want to do. It is true that adults often tend to view the potential of their children’s relationships through the prism of their own experiences with siblings, but we can liberate our children from our past. As one dad told us: ‘Just because my relations with my brothers were hostile doesn’t mean hostility between brothers is inevitable. Acutally, my boys seem to quite like each other.’ You can encourage more positive bonds in your own children than you experienced yourself (see the chapter on Exploring Emotions: our feelings as parents, for further discussion of these issues).

You’ve both been through a lot of hurt, much of it unspoken, much of it expressed explosively and negatively by your sister, as supressed feelings tend to do. Again, this points to the importance of encouraging our children to express how they feel and to respect the feelings of others (see chap on Communication in families).

If anything, sibling relationships tend to increase in significance as people move beyond young adulthood towards their middle years. It is often one of the most precious relationships in old age. So, again, you are right to go by your instincts and not break all the ties. Keep in contact with your sister, even if just for occasional family get-togethers or to speak to one another on birthdays. Rifts are so much easier to heal if they haven’t degenerated into ‘no contact’ feuds.

It may also help to understand the nature of brother and sister relationships. Because they know each other so well, brothers and sisters know exactly where to aim when putting the boot in. It’s a ‘no-holds barred’ relationship, with even adults directing hurt at siblings when it is actually rooted elsewhere in their lives. After all, you can’t take it out on a friend or they may not be your friend tomorrow. Your sister will always be your sister.

It may help to recognise the childhood roots of most adult sibling bitterness and how, if we continue to replay the roles and rows of our youth, the same old emotions will come flooding back. Love also involves acceptance – of faults, of mistakes, of the different experiences each child in the family will have, even of exactly the same event. Importantly, adults need to talk and to listen. Now may not be the time, but if you maintain contact, that time may come.

KLT: Have you any advice on what life may be like where there is a large age gap between children - we have an 8 year old daughter and would like another child. I am particularly concerned that the older child may feel unwanted - we have had a wonderful time together and I have spent a lot of time doing things with her with no other distractions and also travelling widely, but all this will inevitably have to be somewhat curtailed by a new arrival.

Bev: I've got a son who's just two and I would like to have another baby but I'm not sure what the right age gap would be. I'm not sure whether it would be better for my son if he's a bit older and can understand that another baby is going to be coming to live with us. After being the centre of attention for two years, would it be hard for him to cope with a baby coming along? I'm not sure what to do for the best.

Jan: There is no such thing as a perfect age gap. KLT, you’re worried about a large age gap. Yes, children more than six years apart tend to play less together because their interests are so different. But children with a wide age gap also tend to fight less, so there are advantages too!

You can help prepare your daughter and help her feel wanted and valued, and the book goes into these issues in detail. It also explores ways to understand and respond to siblings’ very different stages and competing needs as they grow – and to help older children understand these too.

Bev, you’re worried whether your son will find it hard to cope when a new baby comes along. Of course he will! But we can tie ourselves up in so much guilt and worry that we fail to notice that the world is full of siblings who, troublesome though they find the relationship sometimes, also get a great deal of pleasure from having a brother or sister. We can help our children through the confusions and hurts of a new baby coming along. We can’t eradicate all feelings of jealousy or anxiety, but we can help them cope better, at whatever age they are when the new baby arrives.

Maybe you need to think a little more about yourself before deciding when to have another child. If your eldest is just two, he’ll be going through all the boundary-pushing and attention-seeking of toddlerdom pretty soon, if he hasn’t started this already. That can be exhausting in itself.

If you feel you can cope with another baby as well as a toddler, if you really want another baby and so does your partner, why not listen to your instincts? Just try to ensure you put yourself, your partner, any work and whatever else is going on in your life into the equation – not simply your child’s needs.

There is no ‘best’; there is no ‘perfect’ gap (see my reply to Mickie, on birth order, for my thoughts on what really matters in family relationships).

Lettice: I have three children 7,6,4. The eldest is always needy and reacted badly to the news of the baby due in Oct. She went quiet and Withdrew. The other two didn't. I sure she feels that there will be less to go round and that she in particular will get less. How can I manage it for her.
I can't satisfy her feelings of jealousy. It is also as though she dictates what she does, she is the adult not me.

Jan: You’ve managed to pack so many really important issues into such a short question, that I can only skim over them here. Take a look at the book if you can get hold of a copy (your local library should be able to order a copy if buying one’s tricky) – it has much to say on jealousy, behaviour and listening to and communicating with children.

Briefly, what can really help is spending time one-to-one time with each child. Yes, I know this is as rare as gold dust but it does help kids cope better when a brother or sister needs our focused attention. They know they’ve had some time and attention, too, so tend to be more relaxed about sharing it.

Could a friend or a partner help look after your other children for an hour or so after school or at weekends, so you can spend a little time with each child on their own, before and after your next baby is born? A little undivided attention can work wonders. A lot can achieve near miracles. Little babies can and should be put down when they don’t need our attention, so older children in the family get their share.

Helping each child in the family feel they shine in their parent’s eyes also helps them roll a little better with life’s knocks. Often, what we see expressed as jealousy towards another child in the family is also rooted in a child’s shaky sense of their own worth. So try to let your daughter know when and why you appreciate what she does and how she is – if you feel warm when she smiles, let her know. If you really appreciate the way she behaves sometimes, let her know.

Self-esteem is key to children’s behaviour. So, too, is holding a firm line on what you believe to be acceptable and not acceptable behaviour. Sounds as if your daughter is beginning to call the shots in your relationship. You can be understanding and supportive AND as clear and firm as you need to be to guide her behaviour, as she needs: ‘I understand that this is hard for you, and you understand that you are NOT to scream/hit/whatever the behaviour is that you need to stop’.

Tinkerbell: I am three months pregnant and my son has just turned one. When do children start to understand the concept of 'babies in mummy's tummies' and is it worth talking about it with my son from now on so that he understands as I get bigger?

Jan: Different children understand different things at different times, so be guided by your son and his responses to your pregnancy, and do what you feel best. When to tell a child about having a new brother or sister depends on many factors – their age and understanding of what others may discuss in their hearing, what else may be going on, whether they have already sensed that something important is happening. Your son is only very little, and little ones sometimes don’t even notice their mother’s growing size for many, many months.

It’s probably easiest on him to begin talking gently about babies in general. Point out other pregnant women, and explain that there’s a baby in their tummy. Mixing with mothers and newborns can help children of any age become a little more used to
little babies. Keep any changes to routines and your home, to room layouts and contents etc as gradual and low-key as you can make it. And enjoy all the cuddles and relaxed time together that you can. 

Wildcat: My daughter is eight months old and still breast feeding. We are trying for a second child. Should I stop breast feeding now? How do I prevent my daughter from being jealous when I'm breast feeding my second child?

Jan: Please don’t stop breastfeeding simply because you are trying for another child. This is something very precious between you and your daughter and you’ll have plenty of notice before any new baby arrives, if you want to stop by then. So I’d certainly hold off the decision for now.

I wish I could tell you how to ‘prevent’ your daughter from being jealous, but life’s not like that. Jealousy comes with the territory of siblinghood – which also brings many joys. But the evidence suggests it’s not breastfeeding as such that sparks jealousy, so much as the diversion of mother’s attention towards the baby. And children will do all sorts of diabolical things to grab that attention back! So it’s best to be prepared.

Many mothers told us that doing something pleasurable with the older child while feeding the baby really helps. Some read with the older child, others watch a favourite video together, snuggling up on the sofa, others had a ‘bag of tricks’ to hand, with a few favourite snacks and toys – anything to show the older one you’re still noticing them and appreciating them even though you’re feeding the baby.

sianH: I am due my second child today. I have a recently-turned four year old girl who already can be quite insecure and is very sensitive. She is used to being the only pebble on the beach for all this time! Any advice on how to handle the coming months would be great.

Jan: Re helping siblings cope with new arrivals. Two important points only touched on so far, that may be worth considering in more detail.

The first is about allowing feelings. Our older children need to know it’s not only all right but perfectly understandable to sometimes feel angry, upset and jealous about the new baby. After all, what they held to be safe and stable in the world – their own family – has been transformed beyond recognition.

Telling children off for resenting their new brother or sister, or suggesting that they should feel otherwise will only fuel resentments. It’s far better to let our children know that negative feelings aren’t taboo and can be admitted openly: ‘It must feel strange having a new baby around. I can understand that.’ ‘It’s hard when she cries isn’t it?’ ‘It’s hard having to share me with a baby, isn’t it?’

That way, we can help reassure the older child that family life may have changed, but we still understand when they hurt, and still love them enough to notice.

Also, a quite beautiful piece of research by British developmental psychologist Judy Dunn and her colleagues shows how important and helpful it can be to encourage affectionate interest between the older child and the newborn.

If we point out to the older child how to elicit chuckles and smiles from the baby, we can encourage their first games together. Nothing fancy, but very important – peeking games, mimicking games etc. Once the older child responds sensitively and in a friendly way to the baby, the baby will start to respond more positively to the child – reaching out to them, showing pleasure as they enter the room. If we emphasise the baby’s friendly interest in the child, the child’s more likely to show friendly interest in the baby. It’s what Dunn calls a ‘win-win’ situation. Helps the older child see that this baby isn’t simply an uninvited invader, but someone who could be quite good fun to have around, someone with whom they could form a relationship.

The book goes into all this in more detail, but it’s worth remembering that sometimes children need to be shown that there are positives in this relationship! And when we do, it really does seem to help.

Wildcat: My daughter is eight months old and still breast feeding. We are trying for a second child. Should I stop breast feeding now? How do I prevent my daughter from being jealous when I'm breast feeding my second child?

Jan: Please don’t stop breastfeeding simply because you are trying for another child. This is something very precious between you and your daughter and you’ll have plenty of notice before any new baby arrives, if you want to stop by then. So I’d certainly hold off the decision for now.

I wish I could tell you how to ‘prevent’ your daughter from being jealous, but life’s not like that. Jealousy comes with the territory of siblinghood – which also brings many joys. But the evidence suggests it’s not breastfeeding as such that sparks jealousy, so much as the diversion of mother’s attention towards the baby. And children will do all sorts of diabolical things to grab that attention back! So it’s best to be prepared.

Many mothers told us that doing something pleasurable with the older child while feeding the baby really helps. Some read with the older child, others watch a favourite video together, snuggling up on the sofa, others had a ‘bag of tricks’ to hand, with a few favourite snacks and toys – anything to show the older one you’re still noticing them and appreciating them even though you’re feeding the baby.

ScummyMummy: 1) My twin boys are just three and have a part-time place at nursery. A speech therapist visits the nursery once a week and does group speech work. The kids are placed into groups based on “speech ability” and of course they’ve put my little sweeties in separate groups… and I’m sad because I didn’t think this kind of streaming would rear its head so early in their lives and I honestly don’t think there’s much difference in their speech - they are both lively chatterboxes when the mood takes them - though there’s a big difference in their personalities and levels of shyness. The boys don’t seem to mind at all at the moment and I don’t want to make a big issue of it by talking to the nursery staff - who are great - because I don’t think it’s very important - as far as I’m concerned they’re at nursery to play and learn to rub along with other kids and luckily these groups form only a very small part of their nursery experience.

However, I’m worried that this sort of “grouping by ability” will be a bigger problem when they start school proper and, almost inevitably, show different areas of skill - well, they do already and that’s fantastic, of course… How do I handle this in years to come when the boys will be aware of such streaming, which seems endemic in the state system at the moment?

2) Do you have any opinions on Gina Ford?

3) Not really parenting related, but wondered if you knew of any basic/beginner counselling courses you would recommend for enhancing work with children and families? I work in this area but have no formal training as a counsellor and would like to develop my skills. Had a quick search on the internet and felt completely baffled at the many and various sorts of “counselling schools” that appear to exist. Some looked distinctly bizarre…


Jan: 1) I don’t think streaming will matter overmuch right now, as long as your boys aren’t aware that it’s happening. Neither do I think any nursery staff worth their salt would think you were making a big issue of things if you raise your concerns.

Clear differences in ability, compounded by streams and groupings, can be hard for any sibling to negotiate and for twins, who are compared so much more often and by so many, it can be even tougher. That’s one reason why I think it’s crucial we impress on our children that there are many ways to shine in life, that people excel at different things and learn at different rates, and that each child is loved and appreciated just for being themselves. Sometimes this is easier to say than to show, but the sections on twins, identity and comparisons between siblings contain many ideas that may help.

2) I think Gina Ford has heaps of professional experience as a nanny, and many struggling parents have appreciated her advice. However, we differ in our approach, emphases and tone. I believe we concentrate more on approaches that help now AND help build happy, healthy relationships between parents and children. We would not advocate feeding babies by the clock except in very specific circumstances (for example, some low birth weight babies who need feeding little and often, and who should not go beyond a certain maximum time between feeds). We also believe that while some of her approaches to child behaviour may help in the short-term (star charts etc etc), they are not long-term solutions and may even backfire over time.
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3) Not surprised you’re baffled! Some counselling courses are 'distinctly bizarre' as you say, and some are excellent. Before you sign up to anything, it might be worth having a look at the website for the UK Council for Psychotherapy, and its outline of the different theoretical approaches and the various member organisations – great for getting a very basic feel for the central ideas of each way of working (www.ukcp.org.uk). The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy – tel 01788 578328 – publishes a list of accredited training courses and other information. It really is worth talking to as many people as possible, to explore different options and career paths. Other good sources of information include The Trainee Handbook: A guide for counselling and psychotherapy trainees. Eds Robert Bor and Mary Watts (Sage); The Training in Counselling and Psychotherapy Directory (BACP); and a huge but fascinating tome – An Introduction to Counselling, by John McLeod (OUP). Good luck!

NF: I have a son, five, with good hearing, who is quite a serious, quiet chap. I also have another son, three, who is deaf, very affectionate and sociable, even though he has language delays.
A frequent problem for us starts when the younger boy will interrupt the older one (by shoving or jumping on his knee) whilst he is watching TV or reading - I think it is usually through affection or wanting a fun game of rough-and-tumble. The older boy will (understandably) whinge and push him off. Before we know it, the situation turns aggressive and someone ends up hurt. I am torn between scolding the younger one for being so boisterous or trying to explain, yet again, to the older one that his brother didnt mean any harm. Friends ask me if they fight and I really don't think that they do - just that the playful interaction between them always seems to end in trouble! Any advice on how to keep things at a play level instead of spiralling into injury or bad feeling?

Glory: I have three kids. The middle boy who is five and the youngest boy who is two fight like tigers. J has always been very jealous of the little one and flies into a rage with him for no apparent reason, other than he has walked into their shared bedroom or is trying to sit next to him. J will not sit next to him at the dinner/breakfast table and will be incandescent with rage sometimes. He is ordinarily quite sweet. Both are very focussed (stubborn!) and O is as likely to thump back or bite or scratch. What can I do to get them beyond this!

Jan: The roots of children’s fights can lie in many things, so it would be glib and unhelpful to come up with a one-size fits all solution to every eventuality. However, children do seem to benefit when parents encourage them to find their own solutions to arguments. In fact well respected, new research from a Canadian team of developmental psychologists suggests that when children are encouraged to think through their problems and agree solutions that each is happy with, the number and intensity of sibling rows is reduced. These skills of negotiation, assertion and compromise will also benefit them in relationships outside the home.
These and other possible ways forward are detailed in the book. So please don’t despair. There is much that may help.

Stukey: I have two boys aged four and five, with just one year between them. There has always been a certain amount of rivalry between them and we think we now know why! The younger boy goes to Nursery and the older is in Reception. Unfortunately, they both started at the same time, and therefore they both had the uniform and the excitement of starting school. This somewhat put the older child's nose out of joint. We now find that the younger one is very much better at reading, writing, drawing, etc and this is making the older completely turn off doing these things.

How can we continue to encourage the younger boy to read, etc (and he loves doing it) whilst at the same time trying to help my older son. He is also left handed and not so well coordinated so he does have more problems with writing. But he never wants to read his book at night and throws it across the room. The younger boy, in contrast, sits down and quietly reads to himself!

Jan: With children as close in age and as different in interests and aptitude, I think all we’ve discussed regarding twins applies. They’ll need their own time with you, and recognition as individuals in their own right rather than how they measure up in relation to their sibling. The world is full of people who’ll compare your sons. Your sons will doubtless measure their achievements against those of their brothers, as siblings tend to do. It’s our job as parents not to join in and, as far as we’re able, to help each child feel they shine in our eyes.

Billetjo: I have two boys - 3 years and 5 years. The 3 year old permanently disrupts every second they spend together. It always ends in a fight. He destroys his brothers games, toys, playtime with friends, learning time with mummy. I try to keep him occupied colouring or stories etc., but he won't do that unless the older one joins in and it leads to another fight. He plays extra rough as he's trying to be big. The older one was always so calm and never the cyclone that the little one is. How can I help them get on better and make the little one realise that it's ok to be small he'll be 4 in December so surely he should calm down soon?

Jan: Cyclones need to rush about and expend some of their huge amounts of energy before they can settle in a confined space – like a home – without causing major disruption. Have you tried going to the park, the swimming pool, anywhere he can let off lots of steam once a day? If that’s hard, have you tried a mini trampoline (available from Early Learning Centre etc)? Kids can bounce on them for hours, even inside, which may lessen the temptation to bounce off older siblings.

Could he have a friend to play when his brother has a friend home? More work for you in many ways, but maybe less of a headache all round if he doesn’t disrupt their games.

Perhaps he would benefit from more calm one-to-one time with you, if that’s possible, so he doesn’t feel so driven to disrupt for attention. Clearly explained and firmly applied rules about butting in and destroying games might also be needed. He’s only three so don’t expect him to turn around his behaviour overnight. He’ll need the rules explained and repeated – and reinforced with heaps of praise when he gets the hang of them -- but in time he should get the message.

Jolie: I have a five year old daughter and am eight weeks pregnant. My problem is this: I was pregnant last year and my daughter was "involved" from the start. However I went on to lose that baby. Now I'm worried about when to tell her this time in case it all goes wrong again. I can't tell other family members and not her because she's really astute and I'm sure she'll soon catch on. Also she's used to seeing me naked so will soon notice my changing shape. How do I prepare her? She's bound to ask if this baby will die too.

Jan: You’re right. She is bound to ask – or at least want to. It will be very hard for you to talk about the loss of your baby. If you find it too hard, or if you feel your daughter is trying to protect your feelings by not asking the questions she needs, perhaps you could ask your partner or another relative or trusted friend to talk to her. She needs to know that it is very unlikely that you’ll experience such a loss again, and that the love between you all helped you cope last time. Your daughter also needs someone who’ll listen to how she feels, if and when she wants to speak about it. When she has a new brother or sister, she needs to be reassured that it’s OK to not always feel loving towards siblings, even when they are so precious and so wanted.

Tigermoth: My two sons get on really well at present - they are 2.5 years and eight years. However, I predict fireworks when the oldest hits 13 (puberty) and the youngest is eight (cheeky and a bit on the silly side, if he follows in the footsteps of his older brother as he is doing at present). How I can maintain peace and harmony now and in the future?

Jan: Adolescence can be tough for siblings, especially the one ‘left behind’ in the developmental journey. But as the last chapter of the book explains, there’s much parents can do to help. Much of the groundwork can be done earlier – encouraging them to find solutions to their arguments, consider other people’s feelings, respect their own and express their opinions assertively rather than aggressively etc etc. Through their teens it helps to explain and reassure about the processes of puberty and adolescence, and to maintain connections by doing things together as a family so they have shared memories and will find it easier to reconnect in adulthood. Huge topic, but there’s much in that last chapter that may help. 

Sobernow: I have two girls - 22 months and nine months - My partner, who is a lovely man and a great father, shows more interest in the older one and I'm forever having to remind him to pay attention to the younger girl and make sure the older one sees him do it. Is it common for men to 'favour' the child that is more responsive at this stage and will it even out over time? I am a second child myself and wonder whether I'm reacting to my own childhood rather than my childrens'.

Jan: We all bring our own experiences of childhood to how we view our children (our feelings, about our past as well as our present experiences as parents, are discussed in depth in the chapter Exploring Emotions).

If you continue to be concerned about your partner’s focus on your older child, why not take the older child out on your own sometimes, leaving your partner with your little one so they can have relaxed one-to-one time together and enjoy each other’s company? Or ask him to read the chapter in the book on favouritism!

Parental favouritism is one of the known spurs to extreme sibling hostility, as are parental ‘allegiances’ – where each parent has obvious and long term affinity with a different child in the family. For all your sakes, it’s an issue worth thinking about and addressing.
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Giggi: I have an older sister who was always brighter, easier, ate better, slept better, loved school etc etc and despite my parents best efforts I was always aware of being the sporty but unacademic, highly strung tricky sibling, who never quite achieved. Yet 20 odd years on we are good friends and actually ended up doing the same job via different means. My question is, given that it often goes that there's one "brighter" child in a family, is it possible or even desirable to eliminate sibling rivalry - I often wonder if I hadn't been trying so hard to be like my sister if I wouldn't have achieved all I have done. Sorry if this is a bit over philosophical/non practical - I only have one child at the moment but hope for more and just wondered whether we should all be trying to get rid of jealousy/ rivalry altogether.

Jan: You are absolutely right. Rivalry can be a great spur, as we explain in the book. I guess much depends on how inevitable rivalries are handled within the family, and whether any child feels that ‘different to’ equals ‘lesser than’ or, most hurtful of all, ‘less loved than’. Children’s perception of themselves in relation to their brothers and sisters can limit their views of their own potential, sometimes for life.

Great news that you’re good friends. I do want to be clear, though, that our intention in the book is not to eradicate jealousy and rivalry. Couldn’t do it, even if we wanted to. But rather to help children cope, so hurts don’t go so deep or cause long term damage to their self-esteem or to their sibling relationships.

Satty: I'm a mother of two boys aged 11 and five and a half. The younger one is ADAH child, I always have to make a special effect with him and always have to do/ listen to him (to keep the peace) but with the older one I can ask him to do things (he won't like it but does). I have tried to explain to my older son that his brother is an ADAH child and sometime we just have to listen to him and do things for him other wise he will scream the home down.

Are you able to give any more advice on how I can make the younger one do things around the house without him screaming? I have tried giving awards (but that only works short term).

Jan: Awards tend to be short term, you’re right. Some parents of ADAH children contacted us after we published our first book – Raising Happy Children – to say how much they appreciated the advice on encouraging children to co-operate and on guiding behaviour. Sometimes we do have to be very clear and firm with our children, as well as understanding and loving.

There’s also much advice in Sibling Rivalry Sibling Love on supporting children with a brother or sister with special needs or very different abilities (NF, you may want to look at this too).

Snugs: My 4 1/2 year old son will not leave his younger brother (11 mths) alone. Unfortunately, he doesn't know his own strength and what he thinks is a gentle tickle under the chin is more like attempted strangulation! I hate to tell him off as I don't want him going to the extreme and ignore his brother, but reminding him to be gentle meets with blank looks. Trying to my distract elder son also doesn't work as he insists 'I'm playing with Alex to give you a rest' (Bless )

I am worried that if I make too much of a fuss, my elder son will resent his brother - especially with the conflicting "play with him", "leave him alone" messages he is getting.

Jan: Little children sometimes need to be shown what gentle means. Why not stroke him under the chin to show how nice it feels when it’s done gently, or hold his hand and stroke his little brother gently together. If your little one likes it, he’ll show it. Then’s the chance to praise your older son and make him feel a million dollars for doing something as wonderful as making another person smile.

I think even the sweetest and happiest older children are often very aware when their loving tickles turn into strangle holds. They do resent their younger siblings and a little tweaking and pinching is one way to show it. Our job is to show them that we love them to bits, understand how they’re feeling, and want them to stick to family rules of behaviour. That way, the contradictory messages may become one, clear message: ‘It’s great when you play together and you’re both having fun. If you don’t want to have fun, leave him alone.’

Wendles: My three and a half year old daughter often takes toys etc. away from my 15 month son and will also slap him even if she knows I'm watching. What is a good way to make her see that it's not right to do what she's doing?

Jan: If your daughter slaps her little brother even when she knows your watching, she’s probably doing it to get a response from you. In brief (the book covers these issues in detail, in particular the sections on Caring and Sharing, and Toy Wars) if it happens again, why not tell your daughter – calmly and very firmly -- that you understand she is angry about something and she knows she is NOT to hit. Then pick up your son, and focus attention on him. Maybe even leave the room for a short while if it’s safe to do so. That way your daughter doesn’t receive attention for grotty behaviour.

This can be very effective in turning around aggressive behaviour between siblings, but can only work longterm if you also shower her with attention and descriptive praise when she is behaving considerately.

Encouraging them both to take turns with toys also seems to help. As will talking to her about feelings and ways to express them, and giving her the one-to-one attention most siblings crave.