Parenting News Archive
Reread one of our weekly Parenting Newsletters from the archive below, or just browse the Quotes of the Week!
| Archived Newsletter | Quote of the Week |
|---|---|
| 18 September 2008 | coming soon... |
| 11 September 2008 | coming soon... |
| 04 September 2008 | coming soon... |
| 28 August 2008 | coming soon... |
| 31 July 2008 | coming soon... |
| 24 July 2008 | coming soon... |
| 10 July 2008 | coming soon... |
| 03 July 2008 | coming soon... |
| 26 June 2008 | coming soon... |
| 19 June 2008 | coming soon... |
| 12 June 2008 | coming soon... |
| 5 June 2008 | CountessDracula retells a perfect example one of those things they come out with that make you cringe: "My father offering my niece a sandwich when she was 5 or 6; 'What are they?' 'Ham.' 'Oh no thanks I only like smoked salmon.' 'Really - where did you have that?' 'Claridges.'" |
| 22 May 2008 | By IorekByrnison discussing weird sex she never had, "I have never had sex in the back of a Ford Capri. Which is sad, as we do have a Capri. But now it's full of child seats and such like. It wouldn't seem right." |
| 15 May 2008 | By justabouthappy on the trials and tribulations on getting into the MN hall of fame: "I had a moment in the kitchen just now where I was putting a yoghurt-covered Tampax somewhere personal and I thought, now what I really need is for a child to wander into the kitchen and say something, then I could win quote of the week. But no. Toddlers, they're always at nursery when you need them." |
| 8 May 2008 | FrannyandZooey on her hatred of taking her children swimming: "I hate the smell, the noise, the OTHER PEOPLE and the awful moistness everywhere, it is like walking around inside a petri dish for an hour." |
| 1 May 2008 | Boco ponders reading ages... "Is it normal for your reading age to fall drastically in later life? Mine was quite high, I was pushing a reading age of 45 a few years ago, but now I really struggle around the 23 mark." |
| 24 April 2008 | By GrapefruitMoon reinforcing the importance of a strapless bra, "Can you imagine Grace Kelly with visible bra straps? Well then...." |
| 17 April 2008 | By MaloryTowers on the difficulties of sticking to the subject: "You know, you start a thread about vaginal discharge and within a few posts you find yourself recommending a reasonably-priced shed or telling all about the little hotel you stayed at in the Cotswolds." |
| 10 April 2008 | By Padboz on the effects of spending too much time on Mumsnet: "My sex life is suffering, my bladder capacity is significantly increased because I fail to take toilet breaks and I'm starting to lose interest in my personal appearance.... helpful supportive site for parents my arse". |
| 03 April 2008 | For Zippitippitoes it's all a question of getting the time and place right: "I quite like the idea that men are different in bed to how they are when you are visiting a National Trust property." |
| 27 March 2008 | Anorak commenting on the many tips and ideas posted on 'relaxed' parenting: "This is not idle parenting. It's energy efficient." |
| 20 March 2008 | Foxinsocks for her arch response to the Daily Mail's "shocking" revelation that 1387 registered sex offenders live within 20 miles of Shannon Mathews' home: "There are probably 5000 Daily Mail readers within 2 miles of me and they worry me far more." |
| 13 March 2008 | There's birth plans and then there's "Birth Plans"... So the salacious gossip that J-Lo spent what amounts to a lottery win for us mere mortals on her Hollywood production was bound not to go unnoticed on Talk... least of all by TheHonEnid: "<boggles at $1.4 million on the birth> What is she doing, having her episiotomy done in gold thread?" |
| 28 February 2008 | As some of you may have noticed, it's been a wee bit fraught on Talk recently. So our thanks must go to the magnificent PatrickMoore, for explaining why: "My dear Ladies, there was a total lunar eclipse just one week ago. You are all now suffering the fallout from that. Deep breaths till the cosmos resettles." |
| 21 February 2008 | WanderingTrolley effortlessly dismisses the notion that a psychic can tell you if you're pregnant: "Did you pee on her and she turned blue? No? Then she is not an accurate pregnancy predictor." |
| 14 February 2008 | Forget roses and chocolates, with her robust critique of Kylie's latest single, Bobbiewickham reveals what women of a certain age secretly desire ... "Has she realised she is pushing 40? Have you heard the new song? 'I'm into you, I'm into you, just the way that you dance.' Presuming the bloke in question is about her age... Get a grip, love. You know you just want him to take the bin out without a row." |
| 07 February 2008 | Califrau for her particularly illustrative description of her personal hell: "I would be walking a vomiting Rottweiler and followed by a bagpiper playing arrangements of popular tunes. The whole place would smell of hops and broccoli. I would be naked but for a pair of cripplingly high heels (or crocs)." |
| 31 January 2008 | Emoticons; We at MNHQ feel strongly that our small but perfectly formed selection covers all eventualities - although it has to be said that, with her response to the "What new emoticons would you like?" thread, Talulasmum might have hit on a gap in the market... "[computer club hour at broadmoor]" |
| 24 January 2008 | More proof that MN makes life better for all: Rusty Bear on the best bit of MN advice she's ever received, "Humphrey Cushion told me very early on that it was a mother's duty to eat the last piece of chocolate cake. It's not greed, it's tidying." |
| 17 January 2008 | Kids floundering with a ludicrously difficult homework challenge? Wondering just how much you can help them before it's classed as cheating? Blu has the answer: "Homework is now defined as something that a child sitting alone can accomplish as long as his Mum and 11,000 Mumsnetters with a variety of professional experience in everything from astro-physics to Sanskrit poetry are on hand to help as they get the tea on." |
| 10 January 2008 | House sellers take note: the smell of baking bread has been soiled forevermore, and it's all Swedes2Turnips' fault: "Panini sounds like a pet name a family might have for a vagina. So a crostini might be a post-menopausal panini?" |
| 20 December 2007 | And talking of 'age appropriate toys', Humiliated (so not her real name, but it's Christmas so we won't divulge it...) on the alternative must-have toy for 2007 (and why she's asking Santa for a wall safe)... "DS has his friend for tea to enable his mum to complete Xmas shopping. I have just found them playing Ben 10 and using my vibrator as a ray gun. They were playing so nicely upstairs I left them to it." |
| 13 December 2007 | Sticks and stones and all that... SueBaRoomForAMincePie on why some people are oblivious to criticism: "It's because testosterone has magical properties which deflect any judgement particles floating about. So even if we were to think that Keith Allen, was, say, a feckless twat, it would simply drop to the ground a few metres away from him. Like those bullets in The Matrix." |
| 06 December 2007 | Swedes2Turnips1, for possibly the greatest putdown since Anne Widdecombe's "Something of the night about him"... "His face is suggestive of a love of Riverdance." |
| 29 November 2007 | Policywonk for her concerned observation that, having been locked in the shed for 364 days, an eight-hour pass to this weekend's Mumsnet Christmas party might prove too much for dear Tech... (Memo to selves: don't forget to tag him.) "It might be time to get Tech an underpaid work-experience assistant or something before he collapses from exhaustion in the manner of Lindsay Lohan." |
| 22 November 2007 | Talktothe bees, for her life coaching skills re' safely combining Mumsnet addiction with the outside world: "Write this down on a piece of paper and look at it every three to four hours: Have I fed the baby? Have I changed the baby? Can I remember where I put the baby?" |
| 15 November 2007 | And we wonder why today's kids aren't getting enough exercise ... QuintessentialShadow in 'cannibalism at the leisure centre terror': "I took my son to the swimming pool. There was an old lady sitting in a Jacuzzi. He looked in horror then he shouted, "Mummy, look, they are BOILING old ladies here". |
| 08 November 2007 | Fleacircus logs an early vote for the 2008 Man Booker Prize... "Highly recommend Eskimo folk tales - there's one in which the heroine is admired for her great strength but also for having 'a clitoris so large a whole wolf skin wouldn't cover it'. In others the women have a habit of turning their vaginas into kayaks so they can pop out hunting." |
| 01 November 2007 | IntergalacticWarlock on discovering that, at the click of a button, she could change our "new look" Talk Board back to how it used to be... "Aaah, that's better. For a moment, MN was like a pair of towering 76348 inch spike heels with thin straps that give you corns. Now it is like my old comfy slippers again." |
| 25 October 2007 | Piggy in a muddle (memo to selves: keep this woman away from our Mumsnet Review section)..."I thought a quinny zapp was hair removal on your lady garden." |
| 11 October 2007 | Welliemum on why small kids need daily walks ..."In my opinion, toddlers are just labradors with less fur. We have a labrador too - and some days you'd be hard pressed to tell them apart." |
| 04 October 2007 | Katsma on what really gets her goat "...TV ads for sanitary towels that show them soaking up blue water from a test tube ffs. If I wanted to soak up blue water I'd buy a mop." |
| 28 September 2007 | Tiredemma's husband, for his mistaken belief that his journey to work this week would take longer than usual... (We're thinking geography/politics may not be strong points?) "...something is going on in Birmingham. Some monks are protesting and the army and police are out with tear gas, most roads will be closed I bet and it will be a nightmare for me. Where have the monks come from anyway?" |
| 20 September 2007 | Pyjamagirl with some sound advice ... "Do not go on Mumsnet whilst running a bath, then, 20 minutes later, wonder why your hallway ceiling is raining." |
| 19 July 2007 | Pirategirl hits on an alternative to pelvic cones for inner work-outs: "I never tried those cones, but often think of having a go. Maybe I could try those stacking cups my daughter used to have." |
| 12 July 2007 | Scampynoodle muses on the effects of early pregnancy, and how something so tiny can make you feel so foul: "While I'm chuffed that I'm pregnant I'm also wildly frustrated that I seem to have turned into Thora Hird (before and after her trip up the heavenly stairlift)." |
| 04 July 2007 | ANCHOVY ponders the ponce-rating and potential dangers of her daughter’s ballet class. “…apparently Miss Pip (who sounds like a luvvie ponce), in response to current environmental conditions, asked them to dance round like a swirling flood. According to DD, another child wet the floor. And the others danced in it. That's a dire warning of what can happen when you over-ponce yourself.” |
| 28 June 2007 | This week's honour goes to Boco for her depiction of School Fetes. "Spend £27 on guessing weight of cakes and number of smarties in jars and magic squares and raffles and guess name of ugly teddy and bouncy castes. Win nothing. Come home with dd2 with a black eye from being bounced on by a herd of year six boys on the bouncy castle, dd1 with an assortment of very small plastic tat, and a tin of marrowfat processed peas won on the tombola and all of us with early onset hypothermia and trench foot." |
| 21 June 2007 | Bishybarneybee reveals her secret to hassle-free gardening: “Buy a packet of wild flower seeds so you have an overgrown meadow type affair and then you will get loads of butterflies in your garden and you can pretend you are supporting wildlife whereas actual fact is you loathe gardening (which is in fact housework outdoors)” |
| 07 June 2007 | whomovedmychocolate reckons her family have rumbled her Mumsnet addiction "My MiL kept asking why I was snorting last week while ostensibly reading email. I admitted I was 'on mumsnet' and she asked if that was a pill for PND!!!!" |
| 31 May 2007 | Booboobedoo explains why she won’t leave the house without make up: “It's in case you bump into Johnny Depp at the Co-op. He will beg you to sleep with him, and you will refuse with a pitying smile, explaining that you are married, and you wouldn't want to hurt Vanessa. If you weren't wearing make-up he would just pay for his Toblerone and go.” |
| 24 May 2007 | SaintGeorge takes a break from fighting dragons to tell us why her children are called kids. “Kids are baby goats. Goats butt. My children 'but but but' a lot. Ergo my children are kids.” |
| 17 May 2007 | A car-bound Marina bemoans the incessant chatter of inquisitive offspring: “It was like having a metal bucket over your head and two people hitting it with sticks.” |
| 10 May 2007 | Morningpaper is delighted to hear that Mumsnet has reached a settlement of their dispute with Gina Ford but doesn’t quite trust herself not to put her foot in it again: “Yay! Glad that a resolution has been met. I may continue to impose my own personal ban though, to avoid incurring any further costs” |
| 03 May 2007 | OliveOil quickly dismisses Ellen McArthur in a discussion about role models “Anyone who sails round the world is mad imo…or avoiding the ironing.” |
| 26 April 2007 | Martianbishop sighs with exasperation at the youth of today : "I mentioned Beethoven in a lesson not that long ago. My sixth form thought I was talking about the large dog in the films." |
| 19 April 2007 | Spidermama is firm about footwear faux-pas: "I agree about crocs. It's like Dutch national costume but with a panto edge." |
| 29 March 2007 | Megglevache uncovers her husband's inner hippy, but somehow remains calm... "He was so stressed last night that he listened to my hypnobirthing cd. He told me this morning that he had fallen asleep safe in the knowledge that he had a beautiful ripe cervix and wonderful uterus. I didn't know whether to hit him or laugh, I opted for the latter." |
| 22 March 2007 | Annabel Karmel she ain't, Califrau goes a tad Hannibal Lecter on us... , "I amputated and served up the very, very, tip of my little finger. I was chopping frankfurters for a sauce and there was no way I could find the end of my pinkie - I figured none of them were vegetarians anyway..." |
| 15 March 2007 | SoupDragon on what constitutes a valid alternative... "Infant formula is a valid alternative to breastfeeding. It's not an equivalent replacement, it's not better but it is an adequate alternative. Just like Mumsnetting is a valid alternative activity to singing Row Row the Boat with your 13 month old baby. It's not as good but it's still an alternative." |
| 08 March 2007 | Tinkerbellhadpiles takes a pro-active approach in persuading a gaggle of disapproving grannies that breast is best... "...could you PLEASE stop rolling your eyes and close your mouths, you look like a trio of guppies!" |
| 01 March 2007 | Fortyplus unwittingly provides the answer to that age-old question, "Why can't men have babies?": "Pregnancy might not be an illness, but if you had half the symptoms and you weren't pregnant you'd think you were dying, wouldn't you?" |
| 22 February 2007 | NotQuiteCockney explains how to get the most from your homeopath… "Surely the trick with homeopathy is to see the homeopath for only a tiny amount of time, but shake a lot while you do it. Maybe go by on a pogo stick, and wave through the window?" |
| 15 February 2007 | Wickedwaterwitch reminisces on winning gold in the Neurotic New Mum World Championships... "We had ONE small stair in our hallway... and a stairgate on it." |
| 08 February 2007 | VioletBaudelaire muses on what form a Mumsnet "Badlands" would take: "...a VERY big soft play centre, with obligatory fruit shoots every half an hour... sort of 'drive-by fruit shootings'." |
| 02 February 2007 | Kookaburra comes up with the perfect excuse for all life's ills: "Our teacher had a quiet word with me when our five year old cheerfully and innocently asked in class, 'Who spilt the f**** water?'. I was mortified and said he must have heard it on the lyrics of a James Blunt CD." |
| 25 January 2007 | gemmiegoatlegs ponders whether nowt's safe from style's prying eye: "...does fanjo plumpness go in and out of fashion, like skirt lengths and childbirth theories?! I would be so upset if my husband measured mine (visually of course, not with his B&Q tape measure)." |
| 11 January 2007 | This is our first newsletter since receiving the tragic news of the death of Mumsnet member, ggglimpopo's two-year-old daughter, Maude. Our hearts go out to GGG and her family at this horrible time. With this in mind, this week’s quote is dedicated to Maude and is from the Mumsnetter who knew her best, her mum:
"She was a bright shooting star that made all the other stars that she knew during her journey shine." |
| 21 December 2006 | MyTwoChocolateCoinsWorth reacts to the Mumsnet redesign... "I don't deal well with change. I had a nervous breakdown when they moved the pickle and sauces isle in Tesco. They found me curled up in the freezer hitting myself with the jumbo sausages, singing 'She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes'. This will kill me." |
| 14 December 2006 | A confused Fridascruffs on the 'size does matter' debate... "I couldn't find it... and was preparing not to show disappointment etc. when I suddenly realised that I'd mistaken it for his leg." |
| 07 December 2006 | JackieNoHoHo identifies a new sub-species, alive and well and living on the Wirral... "I believe the phenomenon is known as 'BOBFOC', i.e. Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch." |
| 30 November 2006 | Sockmonkey on Soapbox's Christmas appeal: "To those who have given: Helping others is like wetting your pants, people can see what you have done, but only you get the warm feeling. I hope you all feel like you have wet your pants." We couldn't have put it better ourselves. |
| 23 November 2006 | Cappuccino offers sound, albeit somewhat terminal, advice to a fellow Mumsnetter seeking to dispel the smell of her five (count 'em, five) pet rats..."Ring the environmental health. You can't do much about rats with a Glade plug-in." |
| 16 November 2006 | God forbid that we be accused of favouritism, but Morningpaper (yes, her again)by way of reassurance to another (rather naughty) member worried she’d consumed her daughter’s hamster: "Hamsters don't DISSOLVE, you are getting them confused with Aspirin." |
| 09 November 2006 | harpsichordsgoingBANGandWHOOSH inadvertently casts doubts on whether or not THAT Iceland ad's production team extended to a stylist... "I know she's pregnant and all, but dear God...she looked like a sofa at a party that someone had thrown all the coats onto." |
| 02 November 2006 | Meowmix casts her vote for plastic dinosaurs in the 'most painful thing you can tread on' MN survey: "It's like evolutionary revenge... 'Oh ho strike us out with a meteor strike would you? We'll be back but this time we'll be small, spiky and plastic and just by the side of your bed...'." |
| 19 October 2006 | Motherinferior gets us all in a Christmassy mood : "If you're buying for your lovely adult friends, buy them the same thing each. That way you can dispose of them all with one click of a button. Rather like being President Bush." |
| 12 October 2006 | Tamum gives an insight into Mumsnet philosophy on surviving the "smart dinner party/nothing to wear" dilemma: "Just go with the norks/personality combo and you'll be fine." |
| 05 October 2006 | Oliveoil on virtual motherhood's superiority complex: "I think I am a far better judge as to whether your dd could go to school, peering at my screen and tutting, than a real life mother who knows her child." |
| 28 September 2006 | Hindsight is a dangerous thing... Blu mulls over how best to avoid circus-induced injuries: "DO NOT volunteer at the point where they ask for 'someone over 18 to sit on a horse'. " |
| 21 September 2006 | MrsBadger gets all John Le Carre on us (and somewhat surreal, if we're honest) re' how Mumsnet members might identify one another: "The long-eared bat flies in the night..." "...but the fish finds it difficult to type." "A picnic of sausage rolls is nothing without stolen grapes..." "...but no picnic is complete without a tablecloth." |
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| 31 August 2006 | Satine . If Mumsnet were really a bar... "...the bar staff would be fantastic at fielding calls from partners and children demanding to know when we're coming home. "Just hang on a minute...no, you can turn the TV on by yourself....you can't be that hungry, just wait a moment..." |
| 03 August 2006 | thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat: "I managed 25 years of life without knowing who Pele was. I managed 36 years without knowing a dodge was a kind of american car. dh managed 25 years without realising that the name The Beatles was a play on the word beat. How do educated well-read people manage stuff like this?" |
| 06 July 2006 | Moondog gets all judgmental re' the over-zealous use of UV sun tents. "Get a grip. It's Scunthorpe, not the bloody Gobi desert." |
| 29 June 2006 | UCM on putting embarrassing revelations into perspective "... then I thought, it's not as if I gave my tortoise a blowjob or anything." |
| 22 June 2006 | Moondog makes her feelings on the providers of poor packed lunches known... "I want to take said cheese strings and garotte the parents." |
| 20 June 2006 | SherlockLGJ on the unexpected free gift that comes with motherhood... "...once you deliver the placenta, they insert the guilt." |
| 08 June 2006 | Cappucino on her desire for a new emoticon... "to sum up that feeling of surprise, helplessness and terrible satisfaction felt when watching a piece of fuzzy felt going up the hoover" |
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