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Talk Round-up

21 September 2012    

"I think my baby must have a wonky widget," fretted McPhee this week, "because it never ruddy sleeps!" Delivery not as described, it seems. "I've had possession of this tiny human for 11 weeks now. I thought maybe it was jetlagged, or had settling-in issues. You know, like when you get a new freezer? Mine keeps running on maximum speed, but the battery doesn't seem to discharge at a 'normal' rate. Seriously. Is mine faulty?"

StateofConfusion has some bad news. It's not just McPhee, apparently. "There's a faulty batch. My 'baby' still isn't sleeping nearly four years later." Doblet also confessed to having the same problem but when she rang to complain: "Customer Services said it was a user error."

Looking at it now, the whole transaction seems to have been handled badly. "No manual, not even a helpline number. Even the tag it came with just fell off after a few weeks," moaned McPhee, "and I can't even say it was made in Taiwan."

Here's a lovely idea from LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance, whose tiny baby boy turns 18 soon. <sob>


"As my parents died when I was in my early 20s and I've really missed their advice over the years, I've bought a gorgeous little book and I'm writing in it all the things I think it's useful to know. I've called it The Little Book of Hindsight... or, How Not To Bugger It Up."

Where else to turn but Mumsnet for suggestions as to what to write in it?

Mrsjay opened quite a can of worms with: "If she says she is FINE, she isn't." (LetsFaceTheMusic might need to write another book entirely to explain the many and various nuances of that one syllable). Archfiend's own mother had some fantastic advice about university, to wit: "if you are miserable it's probably not worth it, and don't join a cult." While GoldenBabooshka has some thoughts on student nutrition: "Pizza is not a balanced breakfast (unless it has peppers or pineapple on it, one of your five-a-day)."

Here's one to embroider onto a Victorian sampler from scentednappyhag, who lives by the charming, if malodorous, mantra: "Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things."

But LondonBoots has the perfect final word. Pay attention at the back, all ye teenage children. "Your mum is usually right about pretty much everything, but you won't realise QUITE how much until you have your own DCs and by then she will be laughing and colluding with them. Buy her chocolate often to avoid this." Amen, and here endeth the lesson, young Master LetsFace.

"If you were transported back to cavemen times..." mused ShavingPrimateRyan, "...what would be the three things you would miss most about the modern world?" LineRunner (who is about to appear A Lot in this thread, so brace yourselves) took immediate issue with the details. "Could you be more specific about the exact era and the gender balance?" OK, so caveperson times...

Sparklingbrook would very much regret a lack of "running water, flushing toilets and Jaffa Cakes". AgnesBligg would miss "coffee and fags, probably", noting that her other main nutritional requirement was already taken care of: "I understand (from Horrible Histories) that beer was invented at some point in this time."

"Can you imagine being the hero that invented beer? I mean, how popular would you be?" asked Liney. "Definitely more popular than the person who invented fire," suggested Shaving, which confused MrsRhettButler, who wondered: "Did they not have fire?"

Over to Linerunner to clarify.

"Fire and caves = early stone age. (Palaeolithic)
Farming and possibly booze = later stone age. (Neolithic)
End of the world as we know it = Peter Andre."

And yet, despite being intimately associated with an imminent apocalypse, ShavingPrimateRyan thinks that: "Peter Andre would still be telling everyone he loves his kids."

Yes, nodded LineRunner. "He really loves his cavekids."

(Follows us on FB and Twitter for more historical jaunts and life philosophies.) 


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