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Talk Round-up

3 February 2012Personalise

It's a special round-up this week, in tribute to the astonishing stamina of one woman and the incredible, albeit not unending, forbearance of another. Here we go... places everyone, please.

"I CANNOT listen to next door doing it any longer," wailed ShowOfHands. "I might cry. They're newly in love and have loud, explicit and long bouts of sex. She said to me yesterday, over the fence, 'I expected to be disturbed by your DS when he was born but we haven't heard a peep out of him yet.' No. Your wailing and screaming blots out birdsong, FFS."

BreevandercampLGJ had a solution, in the form of a lovely free verse poem: "The bins come on Monday. Recycling comes on a Tuesday. You come far too often and far too loudly."  

Aw. Who wouldn't want that posted anonymously through their letterbox?

"Do you have broadband?" asked SaggyOldClothCatPuss. "Could you change its name to 'No23 is a noisy sha**er'?"

KatieMiddleton, representing the MN WI, suggested: "Take her a naice bit of Battenberg and write a message on the cardboard sleeve so as she slices it the message is received. PLEASE KEEP IT DOWN. THANK YOU. The Battenberg will say everything you can't. Truly."

Excellent advice, even if everything we yet know of the offending party suggests she'd be more likely to lick the cake off her lover's torso than slice it neatly on a paper doily.

Cocolepew was sympathetic, but essentially uncomprehending: "The only time I screamed during sex is when I rolled over onto a fork. (Eating a Chinese in bed BTW. I know what all your minds are like. Dirtbirds.)"

"You were forking!" grinned ObviouslyOblivious.

"Those were the days, when I could feel a plastic fork sticking in my arse," continued coco, nostalgically.

Thereafter, the conversation turned, as it does on these occasions, to the 1990s comedy series Friends and the relative merits or otherwise of the main characters, with particular attention paid to Ross and his controlling ways.

"DH has been round BTW," announced ShowOfHands casually, having just declared Ross to be a 'n*bber'.

AND??!!

"Well, we've got a damp patch on the stairs and it's obviously coming through from hers. So DH seized the opportunity and went round cheerfully announcing, 'We need to talk about your leaky pipes.' He disappeared inside and emerged again 15 minutes later. AFAIK he went with, 'We knew it must be your boiler as we can hear it through the wall... that's the thing with these old properties, you can hear quite a lot... we always worry about the DC disturbing you.'

I think she said, 'Oh no we don't hear them, hope we don't bother you etc etc.' He just quite pointedly said, 'Well we expect a certain level of noise and generally it's not a problem, but sometimes at 3am DD does get woken, and asks a lot of questions.'

He paused for dramatic effect, while she blushed. I think she ended with 'I'm just off to kill myself' and a weak smile. I told him he should have told her to do it quietly."

AITCH
 

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