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25 November 2011
Chums, there is a theme this week. See if you can spot it. <deep breath>
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!! I have LITERALLY twatted a spider to death," wailed Honeydragon. "I have just been to the loo, had a wee and saw something rather large and dark on the loo paper. Looked and it was a spider, a squished, slightly warm, very dead spider. I have suffocated a spider with my fanjo. Worse - I have had a spider residing in my pants and not known."
"Have you counted all the legs on the corpse?" enquired SuePurblybiltbyElves, "Imagine feeling a tickle later on..."
"Did the cobwebs not give you a clue?" cheeked GreenEyesandNiceHam, while thunderboltsandlightning was one impressed pedant, delighted that "the thread title demonstrates the correct usage of literally".
"Brings a whole new meaning to 'checking for spiderlegs!'" grinned MartyrStewart.
Meanwhile, PeppaTwig was wondering if it might be time for her to make an appointment at the beauty salon: "DS just pointed at my fanjo and went 'Rooooaaaaarrr!'" But wait! The prose is about to get (even more) purple...
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"Hmmm. My friend has just given me her novel to review," reported Tortu. "It's self-indulgent, unreadable tosh. It also contains (many) lengthy passages about situations in which men fancied her. Suspiciously many, in my opinion. It is too boring for me to read much of it (especially when it contains sex scenes. In an autobiography. Shudder. I don't want to read about my friend's 'vagina glistening in expectation'. Uggh). What shall I say?"
"Maybe suggest she attends a writer's workshop to polish it?" suggested KateMiddleton. (Please say she means the book.)
"I was going to have a tomato, mozzarella and basil salad for dinner," commented an indigestive SarahStratton. "I can't look at the skinned tomatoes now."
"Ahhh, well thanks for the advice," replied Tortu, before adding: "The long passage in which she describes sitting in a meeting (a meeting I must have been in, by the way), pleasantly recalling 'the sweet memory of his member lingering inside me' as she stared half-heartedly at the Powerpoints, will stay with me forever. I think I shall go with the, 'Well done for having very few spelling mistakes!' route."
But you know what they say, there's no such thing as bad publicity. "Get her to self-publish it via Kindle," insisted toddlerama. "I think she has an audience here."
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