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Talk Round-up
14 October 2011

"How would you explain Mumsnet to an alien in just a sentence?" came the challenge this week from hobnobsaaremyfave. "Sewary but helpful," suggested CauldronsTrulyReign, before quickly correcting it to 'sweary'.

Not quickly enough, though, for midnightexpress, who preferred the original: "I quite like 'sewary' actually."

"The nicest nest of vipers you could ever wish for," cooed hobnobs, approvingly, while LemonMousse gave our extra-terrestrial sister just one simple instruction: "Step away from the keyboard, Mrs Alien, or you will never get your spaceship cleaned." Too late! Those dilithium crystals have already lost their lemon freshness...

Bad news, chaps, EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls and Sephrenia "found it necessary to attack MNHQ with a zombie army" and the mess is something terrible. Having reached some sort of entente with the rulers of the Towers, the Empress now needs to know: "How do you get zombie flesh out of carpets?"

"Lemon juice and vinegar, along with some good old-fashioned elbow grease," advised FreddieMercurysBolero. A suggestion with which MollyintheMoon heartily agreed: "There should be plenty of elbows lying around for the grease."

But Bran was concerned: "Surely the carpets should be lifted and burned? Isn't zombie-ism a flesh-to-flesh contagion?" Arkady looked to the Style & Beauty boards for inspiration. "If we flooded MNHQ, could flesh-eating fish nibble it out? You know, the ones used for pedicures? Obviously we couldn't then reuse the fish for feet cleaning, as they might be infected with zombie-ism." Obviously.

"But wouldn't the cute little feet-nibbly fish then turn into rampaging piranhas?" asked a worried purplewerepidj. "Do you think anyone would notice if the piranhas took over?" fretted Empress. <checks Active Convos> Doubt it.

And now a mystery inside an enigma. ChaosTrulyReigns reports live from her kitchen: "Oh. My toaster has gone missing. There's just a big gap on the work surface, well, besides some crumbs. What the actual croissant?"

"Did maybe one of the Chaotics remove it earlier?" asked ScaredTEECat, helpfully."Is there a trail of crumbs to follow? Like Hansel and Gretel?" "Do you have Numberjacks living in your sofa? Seen the Problem Plob around?" quizzed TipOfTheSlung.

Whatsallthehullaballoo thought she might know what had happened, but how to find the words? "Oh dear <offers Chaos a seat>," she said in her special soothing voice. "Sometimes toasters have to go to a place called Toaster Heaven. He will be happy there... they have Marmite, jam and choc spread and he can toast and toast all day long and never get poorly again."

In the end, only GandTiceandacauldron was anything less than sympathetic, scanning her own kitchen and finding it all as it should be: "My toaster is still there. I wish my iron & board would feck off."

So where had the blasted appliance disappeared to? Tune into the thread to find out, but in the meantime let's just say it was all Prince Philip's fault...

AITCH

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