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29 July 2011
Mumsnet receives around a squillion posts on Talk every day, so it's hardly surprising that from time to time a job advert sneaks in under the noses of the ever-watchful MNHQ staff. It's rare, however, for the recruitment to be quite so blatant, or so malign. "Evil genius seeks henchmen for world domination plans. Accommodation and uniform provided," typed babyheave. "No time wasters, please!"
BalloonSlayer, unsurprisingly, perhaps, given her lethal attitude to children's blow-up toys, was the first to apply. "As former lynch-pin of our local Amateur Dramatic Society and Chair of the PTA, I have a wealth of experience to bring to this role. My skills include: divide and rule, whispering campaigns and witch hunts," she boasted. "And I would be able to build a suitable vehicle for escaping justice out of Lego." Job done. She was immediately accepted onto the "fast-track Evil Operations Manager route".
There were numerous compelling bids (of course there were, a heady mix of power and evil deeds is catnip to habitual users of the Chat board) but Finallyspring had a question: "I think I am exactly the person you are looking for, but before I submit my application can I ask you to give me some details about the uniform? <shallow>"
Fear not, prospective minion, babyheave has got that covered: "The uniform depends on whether you are in the evil army itself or support staff. The Army, of course, uses military themes with creative use of khaki. The Evil IT Support Staff wear logo'd Polo Shirts and Trousers. I have hired the designers at Per Una to create the prisoners' attire, as I find it is important to make them suffer any way that one can. I believe they are working on something in leopard-print linen." Oh, the humanity!
Henchmen aside, it was animals all the way this week, with AnneWiddecombesArse asking: "AIBU to steal this piglet?" She elaborated: "I've been on a few bike rides with DD and we pass a small farm with a sow and nine little piglets. Anyway, there is this tiny piggy who is obviously the runt. He gets bullied by the other piglets and the sow is rather rough/callous with him. Can I nick him, stick him in my backpack and keep him?"
"Do," said SuePurblybilt, encouragingly. "Raise him as your second child and give him a wee dress and bonnet." Punkatheart sympathised with Anne's predicament: "I have a chicken who is bullied and I love her the most. Yes, irrational, but are so are covert cuddles before she goes to bed. Mind you, her kisses consist of trying to remove freckles from my nose. Love hurts."
Meanwhile, elsewhere on MN...
"I think there is a goat in next door's house," fretted Halbwahrheiten. "I can hear bleating when I am out in the garden." "Have you called Goatbusters?" quipped HedleyLamarr, helpfully.
Jux wanted to know who amongst us had ever peeled a strawberry. "Anyone?" she enquired, before going on to explain that it was for her "bearded dragons". "Bearded dragon, whassatthen?" quoth all but one of the MN massive. Chipotle preferred to remain blissfully ignorant: "I refuse to Google anything with the word 'dragon' in it," she stated with a shudder. "Previous bad experience when I decided I had to know what dragon butter was..."
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