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These Things Hidden is Heather Gudenkauf's follow-up to TV Bookclub pick, The Weight of Silence. She guides us through a world in which the perfect teen snaps – with horrific consequences for everyone around her. A must-read.

Talk Round-up
6 May 2011

God forbid it should happen, obviously, but iCod has a request: "If I'm ever dead in alarming circumstances, can you please take the flowers OUT of the cellophane? And I will leave an Approved Portrait in the desk drawer. Please, no Facebook-type pics of me fellating a Bacardi Breezer bottle."

"Should I come to your house and throw all your Crocs out?" asked Rannaldini. But iCod was too busy issuing instructions to comment: "I have also decreed when DH might remarry and who will play me in the Crimewatch reconstruction."

"My concern," admitted Rannaldini, "is that I am so vain that all photographs of me are ruthlessly culled into those that only represent me in a decent light. I am worried that if I went missing and one of them was posted I might be right under someone's nose and they wouldn't recognise me."

"There are people having sex outside my flat!" yelped TitsalinaBumSquash at 21:35:35 on Wednesday. "They are going at it up against their shed! I may shout out some scores!"

"Shout 'Who's there? Is it you, Mavis?' out of the window and follow it up with more enquiries," suggested EightiesChick, but a no-nonsense SarahStratton said simply: "Hosepipe. Now."

"He has finished... and judging by the noise so has she," announced Titsalina, but the hardy InsertFilthySpoonerism had one eye on the clock. "Four minutes?" she scoffed. "Cold out?"

The crowds roared in London, were Tasered in Falmouth and rioted in Glasgow but the citizens of Ruggington acquitted themselves beautifully as Prince Jared of Playmoland took as his bride the beautiful Miss Annabel Widdleton.

SoMuchToBits reported live from the scene: "Crowds of people are lining the streets, waving flags, hoping to catch a glimpse of the happy couple. One man, Rhys, has even camped out for several days to secure a good view. The wedding will be attended by both families, friends, foreign heads of state and Cabinet ministers, including Prime Minister Norman the Foreman." Yes, really. And there were photos, oh yes. Many photos.

"Brilliant," said claretandcheese, supportively. "I would also like to suggest that Norman runs for office in the next UK election. Opposable thumbs are so overrated."

"Ordinary things your parents would NEVER do?" mused Euphemia this week, offering by way of example, "I have never, in all my life, seen my mum wearing jeans."

"Look after their grandchildren," said CandiceMariePratt bitterly, no doubt inspiring a new thread on Gransnet. (Have Justine et al really thought through the possibilities here? I foresee turf wars.)

"My parents wouldn't use a microwave," said BinEnd. "We bought one for them but Mum used it as a bread bin." Mamzellerougier's folks can't "get rid of the Artex on the living room ceiling (it's 'impossible' to remove, apparently)", while mosschops30 mined what was to become a popular 'forrin food' vein, suggesting, "Eat or cook with garlic."

It was Nomedoit, however, who risked incurring the wrath of our elderly compadres, channelling Alan Bennett to create a stream-of-consciousness characterisation of her own parents eating out: "Whether to have the fixed-price bargain three-course menu, because we don't know whether we'll have room for dessert, or would it be better to have two courses because we could share a starter, but do you want soup, what's the soup of the day again? The tomato salad is nice here, we had that last time, just tap water for me please, but do you want a starter if you're going to eat all that bread? I'm full already, the butter's very hard though, they should take that out of the fridge, you would have thought they would do that, look at that woman's cappuccino, it's all froth you're paying for. Where's the toilet?"

Fellow MNers, I fear there will be retribution.


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