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Talk Round-up
29 April 2011

Well, who would have guessed that Mumsnet was chock-full of ardent monarchists? ChaosTrulyReigns, that's who, and this week she polled the boards to find out: "AIBU to watch the Royal Wedding in my wedding dress?"

"I'm not sure I can string a coherent reply together," snorted GloriaSmut, "especially with all the tea I've just spat through my nose." Shakey1500, however, confirmed: "I could wear my wedding dress on Friday if I knew where it was, but seeing as I'll be working in a well-known DIY store selling 'flange brackets' and 'rear-entry ball valves' it might be a bit distracting!"

"I shall be wearing mine, as I do every day. Love from Miss Havisham," offered MangoTango, relieved to be on-trend for once.

"Hahahahahahahahaha," said Preggersplayspop. "Now this is more like the kind of Royal Wedding thread we should have on MN." (What can she be referring to [confused]?) "I have this image of a big bunch of MNers sat in front of the telly in dresses that won't do up any more."

Paula Radcliffe take note, the Shewee has landed on MN. Spiderslegs bragged: "Just got one for my birthday and can't stop pissing all over the garden - bloke style..."

"Just wait till it snows in winter and you can write your name on the lawn," cheered ZacharyQuack excitedly.

"A friend of mine once innovatively used a vuvuzela for a similar purpose when caught short at a Brazilian beach party," said Quodlibet. "And they are dishwasher-safe!" offered uggmum, by way of recommendation. (That's dishwasher-safe Shewees, not vuvuzelas, in case you were confused. But on the upside, the Shewee doesn't buzz while you are using it... does it, Spidey?)

"Please solve my mystery of Actimels on the verge over our garden wall," begged a confused puffling this week. "Every morning I find empty Actimel bottles strewn there. Yesterday I collected 15. Who drinks Actimels in the dark in other people's gardens? I'd understand if it was beer cans, fag ends, even used needles, but why Actimels?"

"Maybe it's a badger on a health-kick?" suggested TeamLemon, while TalcandTurnips wondered: "Has Martine McCutcheon been loitering about your manor of late?"

Foxinthewoods had her own litter-related query: "I often see white surgical gloves discarded in the street. What's that all about then?" Again, it was Talc to the rescue: "Discarded surgical gloves are a sure sign that you have back-street proctologists operating their seedy trade in your area. Just don't bend over unless in a well-lit area..."

"If a rodent died in your cooker would you ever use it again?" asked fromheretomaternity. "DH is completely freaked out by the whole thing and is insisting on getting a new cooker."

Well, of course, I don't have to tell you how the MN Massive reacted... YABVUs as long as yer arm, with HerRoyalHighnessPrincessCervix pointing out quite sensibly that "it's no different from putting meat in it to cook", while BitOfFun looked to the arts for guidance, asking "what did UB40 suggest?"

RancerDoo agreed with Cervix: "Dead things and ovens go hand in hand. Think I'd just clean it myself and use it again when the smell was gone. That's assuming the rat died of old age/exhaustion/starvation. If it had died of Ebola I might get a deep-cleaning service in."

But lo, BitOfFun returneth... "Right - I've checked. UB40 resolve to fix the rat, saying 'You invade my space, make me feel disgraced, and you just don't give a damn. If I had my way, if I had my say, I'd like to see you hang'. So that seems to suggest some kind of dangling device to me, perhaps in conjunction with a pomander?" Case closed. Neeeeeeeeeeeext?

AITCHXXX

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