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Talk Round-up
11 March 2011

"Things you have learned the hard way not to do again?" queried ItsJustAName this week, still (quite literally) smarting from her recent discovery that in the event of a 'no loo roll' emergency in a public toilet, Olbas Oil-infused hankies are no substitute for the real thing.

Thenightsky had learned not to bite into a mince pie straight out of the microwave: "A red-hot currant shot straight up my nose, leaving a trail of burnt flesh as it went."

BaggedandTagged had learned the hard way not to eat a Steradent tablet: "When my sister and I were kids, I asked my Gran what they were for and she said, 'I use them to clean my teeth.' She had falsies. As soon as they hit saliva they just start foaming - we looked like we had rabies."

BumsOnSeats cautioned dog-owning MNers: "When you have an old dog in the house who can be, ahem, unreliable, do not pick a small brown crumb off the sofa and pop it in your mouth, assuming it is chocolate." Good advice, all, but perhaps the most MN-relevant information came from LadyInPink, who said with some conviction: "If someone tells you not to Google dragon butter, please do listen to them <retches>."

ChaosTrulyReigns wanted to know: "What would be your specialist subject on MNastermind?" After a couple of false starts where people who hadn't read the question properly burbled on about narrow-gauge railways pre-WW2 and the novels of Thomas Hardy, the answers came thick and fast.

CBear6 would specialise in 'The life and works of Spot the Dog', 'the flora and fauna of Big City Park' or 'Wine' were she invited to plonk herself on the big leather chair. BitOfFun would be hunting for answers on 'Trolls Ancient and Modern', while BelligerentGhoul would go for food ('1001 dishes involving red lentils'), female horticulture ('Ladygardens and their care') or piscine identification ('Previous names of Cod').

Tolalola opted for '21st Century School Catchment Areas of England', while Emmanana's specialist subject would be 'Valid reasons for not inviting children to your wedding/levels of indignity to rise to if you are the recipient of the invite'.

What would make us all sit up and pay attention, however, would be MistyB's specialist subject: "Tried and failed tested strategies for taming juvenile nocturnal human mammals." And when she's finished, let's get that nice David Attenborough to do a series.

"My child categorises her farts," revealed lovecheese, with a note of queasy parental pride, "into 'the fire station fart', which apparently sounds like a hose, 'the firework fart', a loud boom like a banger going off, and 'the cloudy fart', low-pitched and smelly."

"So long as she doesn't start talking about 'wet farts' and 'lumpy farts', I think you're OK," counselled Taghain, but it was the eggily-named omletta who summoned forth the collective eeeeuw with the apparently innocent, "Doesn't everyone do this?" No, they do not.

AITCHXXX

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