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Talk Round-up
3 December 2010

December's here, and with it comes the dreaded Nativity Play. "'My DC hasn't got a starring role – it's so unfair...'," snorted stoatsrevenge. "AIBU to be mighty p*ssed off by the number of threads on this? How many Marys were there in Bethlehem, FGS?!"

"I was Mary twice - at infants and juniors," said Goingspare. "Unfortunately, this has turned out to be the pinnacle of success for me. Take heart, parents of the overlooked." ChickensHaveNoMercyForTurkeys obediently took heart, proudly reporting "DS2 is the 'starry sky'. He is refusing to wear black leggings." FunnysInTheGarden's DS1 is a chicken in his nativity: "I didn't even know there were chickens in the nativity. But he is very good." Stickylittlefingers' eldest daughter was a mince pie last year: "We did a lot of method acting... but DD2 has got Mary-envy big time. She was mulling in the bath what accident or illness might befall the Mary so that she could take over. She's three." It was up to feelingfairlyfestive to give the educators' perspective: "I made the mistake of letting the children choose their own parts. Everyone was happy except one little boy, but as I told him, there are NO vampires in the nativity!"

"The humiliations of a mother are many and various," mused Marchpane. She had been "followed into the loo by DS and handed a large bunch of grapes, thus disturbing me mid-motion and making the whole operation rather difficult". Bran's DD has recently got into the habit of needing a poo just as dinner is put on the table: "So I get to supervise, wipe a bum (she's not always terribly co-operative on this) and then, nicely nauseated, I get to eat my chilled meal." And in santasbluebaubles' smallest room: "My DD insists on holding me on the toilet so I don't fall in."

Back to Marchpane for the final humiliation: "Did I mention that DS usually likes to sit astride me when I have a wee? Or that a couple of nights ago he coughed so much he was sick on me. While I was eating my dinner?" Boundaries, people, boundaries.

"I cannot afford to feed all my children, I may have to leave them in some woods near a witch's cottage," wailed Poncey McPonce. "We have been snowed in since Monday night, and I swear they have not stopped eating. Cooked breakfast, lunch and dinner, plus snacks. They have now got out of bed asking for fruit! Next step is the tin of Xmas chocs. I have placed weekly Tesco orders, so if they can deliver, we eat. If not, we are going to have to choose a child, possibly the meatiest one!"

If it's home economy tips you're after, look no further than MN. "Save the meaty one for Christmas," counselled the wise mummytoatribe, "have the scrawniest one and do it in the slow cooker, that way you can make soup from the leftovers." BelleDeChocChipCookieMonster enquired: "Can't you water the soup down? It's better for all of them to become starving waifs than to pick them off one by one." "None are very meaty," conceded Poncey, eyeing up her ravenous family. "But the guinea pigs are looking nervous."

AITCHXXX

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