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20 August 2010
When poor howdidthishappen had a bad day's shopping with two young kids and came to beg MNers for similar tales of child-wrangling woes, little did she realise that the thread would become a confession session for thesecondcoming, whose own daughter has quite a track record of misbehaviour on commercial premises. (And not just any commercial premises. Marks & Spencer's commercial premises...)
So for your delight and delectation, ladies and gents, here follows the testimony of thesecondcoming re her small daughter and aforesaid retailer: "DD1 hid in a rack of skirts, took her knickers off and pooed on the floor. Does this make you feel better?" (Dunno about howdidthishappen, but my mood lifted measurably.) "She was about four at the time. I couldn't see her and said 'DD1, where are you?' and a straining poo voice said, 'I am in the skirts, Mummy', and there she (and it) was."
"I picked it up, using a bag as a glove. It was a phase. She also pooped in her jewellery box around the same time. The turd attached itself to a spring-mounted Little Mermaid and when we opened the jewellery box it popped up like Mr Hankie in front of a little mirror and rotated to 'Under the Sea' being played by clockwork. It was a beautiful moment."
And rest, everyone <therapy voice>, I think we've all done some good work here today.
Meanwhile, back on planet MN, dilemma456 wondered if she was being unreasonable not buying a dress for her four-year-old daughter's teddy. "It is apparently its birthday. I point blank refused and now I'm 'the worst mummy ever and teddy will be embarrassed at his party and it's all YOUR FAULT if he doesn't enjoy his birthday'." Scurryfunge recognised the symptoms: "Precious First Teddy, obviously." But MaamRuby took a hard line: "You have permanently damaged your child's development, please provide all your details so I can report you to Social Services. And possibly the RSPCA." Colditz waded in with the amusing if not altogether constructive: "My four year old is tame, and merely holds up his tatty Jack Russell toy to kindly people's faces, and snaps 'My dog hates you!'" In the end it was up to GrendelsMum to intercede on the bear's behalf. "I know Teddy," she said, gently. "He hangs out with me and my naturist friends. He's asked me to tactfully let you know that he doesn't really want a dress."
And finally, starrychime was shocked to find out that according to her Amazon recommendations the next product she should consider buying is the Proporta Elephant Camouflage Kit, a veritable snip at £1,175,000, for which the product description reads: "The kit uses our patented Clear Blue Sky Disappearing Technology to help elephants literally vanish into thin air, evading dangerous predators, tourists and boring guests at tea and bun parties. Ideal for eavesdropping on rhinos. Buy now and get a currant bun absolutely free!" "What on earth have you been buying??!" screamed ZinglebertBemblebank, while canny FiveGoMadInDorset said, "for that amount insist you get the elephant thrown in". Starrychime responded that her "recent purchases include several historical novels and a Tangle Teaze brush - not related to large animal concealment in any way". CatIsSleepy's keen eye spotted the real problem straight off: "It looks a bit rubbish though. I mean, I can still see the elephant..."
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