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JUICY FACTS FOOTAGE! One sunny day, 12 families visited the British farms where the blackcurrants for Ribena squash are grown. Find out what happened here. And introducing Ribena Juiced Up! - which counts as one of your five-a-day - available in most Tesco stores from 9 August.

Talk Round-up
6 August 2010

"I asked for... I got...?" moaned lookslikeagiraffetome, prompted by her husband's inventive interpretations of her shopping list. PrettyCandles got the point straightaway, weighing in with a story about getting her labour bag together for a water birth. "I asked DH to buy a plastic sieve; he came back with a metal one with plastic handle. No good, I said. It has to be completely plastic. He came back with a plastic colander. No good, I said. The holes are too big. (And I explained again what it was to catch, even though he had also been at that antenatal session). He came back with a pair of plastic microwave saucepans, saying, 'I thought I could drill holes in them'." "I went to Robert Dyas myself," she sighed. Drloves went some way to explaining how divorces happen: "Once, when breastfeeding and suffering mastitis, I asked ex-dh to bring home a savoy cabbage. He brought me a turnip." Tortoiseonthehalfshell soothingly enquired: "Did you try turnip slices in the bra?" She was informed that no, the big galoot had it mashed with his dinner.

AgentZigzag mused on the many and varied things she has gleaned about life from watching movies, such as "if you think you've killed your attacker, always stab them three times more in the head as it's amazing how many times one person can come back from the dead". Poledra's husband says one never wants "to be the black guy in a disaster movie – you are going to be killed off before the end", pausing to add, "unless you're Will Smith, of course, in which case you're going to be fiiiine". Maktaitai also had advice for male posters, reminding them: "If you fall in love with someone, especially if they are really pretty, keep pursuing them even if they apparently don't like you and keep telling you to go away, as they WILL eventually fall for you, however little you have in common, however little time you actually spend together, or how given you are to shouty monologues in the open street <riffles through anti-harassment injunctions>." Hands up who thinks Maktaitai's a lawyer on the tout for business...

And finally, an appeal <cue suitably sad orchestral music>. Rockbird's daughter is "obsessed with the bl**dy sausage from the ELC Mini-Sizzlin Kitchen. She takes it to nursery and will only sleep if she has it in her hands". (She is 15.) (No, she isn't.) Anyway, back to Rockbird: "I live in fear of it going missing. Does anyone happen to know where I can obtain a couple of stunt doubles?" Having pasted a photo of the item on her profile, with due apology for the lighting and acknowledging the fact that, yes, it looked like a poo, she then sat back while helpful offers and snorts of amusement poured in.

Snigger not, though, chums, because this is a serious matter <violins swell>. As Rockbird points out: "You weren't the ones in a very important meeting who got a phone call from the nursery (which I answered in a panic fearing serious injury) only for them to ask me what DD was on about - she was hysterical because the sausage was lost and her speech wasn't good enough for them to understand. I'm sitting in the meeting saying, 'Oh, she wants her sausage'." So come on, parents of Britain, root through your plastic tat and see if you can help. Rockbird's career depends on it.

AITCHXXX

DATING TIPS – FROM KEN. Come rofl at this Toy Story 3 viral, in which Ken reveals the romantic moves that make Barbie swoon – or maybe not. Toy Story 3 is on release in cinemas nationwide.

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