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Talk Round-up
9 July 2010

Country life lost some of its sun-dappled bucolic sheen for poor hatwoman the other day, when she found herself enacting her own cow-escape plan after "a frisky young fella mistook 'B***er off!' for 'Come right up and start mooing, jumping and kicking at me'."

"The plan, hatched months ago," she informed us, "was meant to be a simple wade across a stream – annoying and inconvenient but better than a fight with a cow. I had not anticipated that I would find myself knee-deep, and sinking, in mud, and shoulder-deep in water. I'm actually in trouble here, I thought. This could go horribly wrong. This could make Look North! Fortunately, after grappling around a bit, I got sufficient purchase on an overhanging branch to be able to haul myself across and out the other side. The dog thought it was brilliant fun. My mobile is less happy about it all."

This precipitated the formation of the MN Cow Plan, to which Eleison contributed a previous unsuccessful escape attempt that involved "throwing loose change at the cows. It didn't work. Luckily, the farmer showed up, said 'HUAR' and waved his hands and they all walked away."

SwansEatQuince outed herself as a farmer's wife but was - and I doubt she'd try to deny it - utterly useless vis a vis combating the countryside distress they cause. "We keep cattle and they scare me senseless – all doe-eyed and Vikki Pollard hair puffs but secretly they're Up To No Good. My DH makes me stand in a strategic place 'so they won't go past you' and, when they do go past me, I get the blame for 'not standing correctly'." And don't get her started on matters fowl, for goodness sake: "We had a massive Norfolk Black turkey. Note the word 'had'. You needed an open golf umbrella just to go in and feed him."

Given the erudite standard of debate and discourse on MN, it is rather a mystery to think what could have prompted StayFrosty to ponder the great playground comebacks of our time on her thread "I know you are, you said you are, now what am I?" but ponder she did, reminding us all of such universally great lines as 'Whoever smelt it dealt it' and 'Yeah but the one who said the rhyme did the crime'. The not inappropriately-named dinkystinky came up with the pithy "I am rubber, you are glue; what bounces off me sticks on you!", while SixtyFootDoll recalled the zinger that was "Takes one to know one (must be delivered in sneering drawl, iirc <weeps>)".

Offering an horrific insight into what people are saying about many MNers right now, TeamEdward recalled "Your Mum's so fat, she's got her own postcode/dialling code/I tried to drive round her but ran out of petrol/she can be seen from space etc etc". Respectthedoughnut remembered responding to being called a bitch with the near-poetic "a bitch is a dog, a dog's got a bark, bark's on a tree, tree's nature, nature's beautiful, thank you for the compliment!" hk78's pithier version, "Oh yeah, well that's Being In Total Control of Herself, so thanks!" might even stand us in good stead on Talk on occasion. <biscuit>

AITCHXXX

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