WORLD CUP SURVIVAL GUIDE Whether you're a football refusenik or a fully subbed-up fan, Mumsnet's guide will see you through the next 32 days of soccer madness with match schedules, alternative TV suggestions, TV dinner recipes and a bluffer's guide.
11 June 2010
"What do we think of this, ladies?" asked harpsichordcarrier, who had in her trembling hand a wedding invitation with the words 'Please wear your trainers' inscribed on it. "'Compulsory games, korfball tournament, five-a-side football, races... no excuses! Everyone must join in or it will spoil the fun!' Apparently everyone will enjoy this. Bride is a PE teacher, btw." "Can you not just give her a note from your mum saying you've got bad period pains?" suggested Deemented. StewieGriffinsMum thought she "would conveniently have an asthma attack and sit in the corner making people fetch me things", while MrsMargate muttered mutinously that she "would forget my kit and have to sit on the side". All good ideas, agreed Harpsi, although the flaw in MrsM's is that she would "have to play Korfball IN YOUR PANTS".
"Can you beat this excuse for being late?" asked PrettyFeckingVacant, whose colleague had rung in that morning to report that the windscreen wipers on the bus he was on had stopped working. (Let's draw a veil over the fact that PFV was presumably reporting this to the MN massive when she should have been hard at it herself.) Among the many answers involving spiders, snowdrifts and slight stabbings was this gem from AmazingBouncingFerret, whose workmate had been sent home after arriving in tears because: "She had seen a wagon full of pigs on the way to the slaughter house and didn't want them to die. She left and then walked past the shop doors five minutes later munching on a Greggs' sausage roll." Oh, the humanity...
And finally, one to set the spam filters on red alert, folks, as bashon asked: "AIBU to expect good wanking etiquette ie thou shan't leave thine tissues anywhere else but in thine bin?" Hullygully was impressively quick to recover her composure, revealing that she "always thinks they look quite nice strewn about the breakfast table", but it was lifeissweet who took the conversation to dizzying new heights with the astonishing revelation: "My friend's mum got so sick of him leaving deposits everywhere as a teenager that she knitted (yes, knitted) him a little mitten to mop up after himself. She then washed it weekly and put it on his bed all nicely ironed. This is no joke." Yes, you did read that right. Knitted. Meglet imagined the potential impact of this revolutionary product on her local fete: "I can just imagine old ladies knitting wank mittens to sell alongside booties and cardigans". Blinks promised to make this dream a reality by revealing that she'd just set up a WI and resolved to put the love glove firmly "on the agenda", to the immense satisfaction of all posters (and presumably quite a few teenage boys in her area).
BRITISH 10K LONDON RUN Working Families is offering some last-minute free places to run a 10k on Sunday 11 July, starting from Hyde Park Corner at 9.35am. Working Families is the UK's leading work-life balance charity, supporting working parents and carers through advice, advocacy and a busy helpline. Top fundraisers will win a masterclass and gourmet meal at Café Spice Namaste. Email firstname.lastname@example.org.