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PERFORMANCE IN THE PARK: POLITICS WITHOUT WOMAN. At Speakers' Corner this Saturday, 15 May (1-2pm), artist Jemima Burrill will stand on a bucket, with her mouth bound, in protest at the lack of women in the cabinet, and in politics generally. Women are 50 per cent of the vote but don't have a voice. Come, armed with a stepladder or soapbox to stand on, to be the counted voiceless.

Talk Round-up
14 May 2010

"A Mystery! My Husband Has Vanished!" exclaimed EccentricaGallumbits when she woke from a nap to find her other half had disappeared. "Is there a funny-looking crop circle in your backyard?" asked dinkystinky. "If so, perhaps the little green men took him?" KurriKurri reminded Eccentrica of her wifely duties under the circs: "dinky is right – he'll return later having been probed by aliens... Best make him a cup of tea." LadyintheRadiator had her own sad tale of abandonment to share: "My DP disappeared similarly (though late at night, not mid-afternoon), and was found at the end of the garden trying to photograph a frog." MrsGallumbits reluctantly acknowledged that she does live in "a bit of an alien-visiting hotspot". But hark, who is this? Why it's Mr G, bearing apples from the shop. Mystery solved to everyone's satisfaction – apart, that is, from StealthPolarBear's: "OK. So there's a man who looks exactly like your husband back in your house, is that what you're saying?"

"So we need a name for Dave and Nick, you know, like Jedward?" said a wide-eyed LoveBeingAHungParliament. In a matter of seconds, an impressive number of MNers managed to type the most obviously unflattering conflation of the two names. But, once the dust had settled, SwansEatQuince suggested the downright pleasant "Smashey and Nicey", and amateurmum thought up "Cami-Knicker". "Oh, Cami-Knicker is VG," quoth arch-political commentator onebatmother. "Seductive but ultimately lightweight, flimsy and no good in a crisis."

"Share my shame," said a still-damp thesecondcoming, fresh home from a family trip to the swimming pool. "For some reason unbeknownst to me, I removed my tankini bottoms before getting into the pool, folded them up and put them on the little chair. I am 31 weeks pregnant. I want to die. DP had taken DD to get her ready and when he arrived poolside, I was naked from the waist down." Cue a run on the [shock] and [grin] emoticons. A horrified 5inthebed wanted more detail: "How many people noticed? Did the lifeguard have to tell you to put them back on?" The response from our poolside correspondent read thus: "DP arrived with DD as I was inflating her new rubber ring (bottomless) so in answer to the 'how long for' question... as long as it takes to blow up armbands and a rubber ring. It was the look of horror on DP's face as he arrived and frantic mouthing that did it. And to think I did a basic bikini-line 'trim' just prior to leaving, as I was worried about twigs potentially hanging out of the nest. I can't go to Aquanatal on Monday now, can I?" No, thesecondcoming, you cannot.

AITCHXXX

WIN TICKETS FOR THE BABY SHOW and a copy of the bestselling book Baby Secrets by Jo Tantum. We have four tickets to The Baby Show at the NEC Birmingham (21-23 May), where Jo is appearing every day as Prima Baby's sleep expert, plus four copies of Baby Secrets to give away. If you'd like your name to go into the hat, please mail us, by Monday 17 May, with your MN name and whether you'd like a ticket or the book - or both.

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