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Talk Round-up
23 April 2010

Does anyone else reckon that the Powers That Be MUST have known about the volcano? muttered blinks darkly. "Surely they must have had word before we officially found out?" "What sort of plan of action was needed exactly?" barked SoupDragon. "Stick a large cork in the top?" Skihorse had been nosing around the Daily Mail website again: "Some rocket scientist has suggested that, as Iceland is surrounded by water, they could hose it down." "What do you expect Gordon Brown to do about it anyway?" snapped MadamDeathstare. "Stand on the side of the crater and command all the ash to get back inside?" Cynical voter GentleOtter thought it was all an election plot: "It is not a volcanic eruption but millions of expense sheets being hastily destroyed." "I wonder how many atheists will be demanding their insurers pay out?" pondered Northernlurker. "Surely they would regard acts of God as a spurious excuse?"  

From volcanic ashes to televised ashes this week, when asteri was worrying about her inexplicable attraction to Gene Hunt: Am I being unreasonable to find him strangely attractive?  Lottiejenkins felt the same way, although she couldn't quite explain it: "If he was working in B&Q, you wouldn't give him a second glance." "He can fire up my Quattro any day!" leered bonnymiffy, while Mouseface appeared to be channelling Gok Wan: "I would love to try and tame that bad boy!" Good Boy alexsdad warned: "If any of you were to go out with him, a few months later you would be posting: 'AIBU to expect him to stop drinking?'" Batting warnings aside, GeneHuntsMistress growled: "He is the Apha Male of all Apha Males, hence my basic instincts demand that I want him to throw me over his desk. He could def keep the leather gloves on." "Angry men get things done" agreed honeydragon. "Me hopefully being the thing that is, in fact, done."

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I ate what I thought was a MINT out of a handbag, gagged ClickNegg. "The after taste is VILE – a bit minty but also hot. What is small and pellet-shaped that I could have had in my bag?" "A thrush pessary?" sniffed Acanthus, while others were baffled as to why anyone would nibble on handbag detritus. "She's gone quiet," noted Rockbird some time later. "Having her stomach pumped maybe?" But she had been at the gym, which made Ledodgy suspect steroids: "Did you lift heavier weights than usual? Did you run faster on the treadmill?" NorbertDentressangle suggested Gaviscon: "They're chalky, minty and foul." "I don't use Gaviscon," gasped ClickNegg. "I think I have de-wormed myself." "Is your hair looking very shiny and do you have a wet nose?" snorted NorbertDentressangle. 

This round-up marks the end of an era, as JustineMumsnet announced: "It is with deep sadness that we must inform you that Morningpaper has, after four glorious years, decided to retire her mouse and cease to produce the Talk Round-up. Apparently, she has a 'proper job with benefits'." But never fear, for the unstoppable Aitch has already promised to ensure that your Friday Round-up still drops into your inbox. "Does this mean that we set our scores for 'Number of Times I have Been in the Round-Up' back to zero?" fretted Poledra. "This is a bit like Dr Who!" clapped an an excited YohoAhoy. "Sad to see one go but keen to see how the new one measures up." "I hope MP is getting some kind of memento after all these years of service," suggested theyoungvisiter. "I suggest a commemorative leather-bound copy of The Contented Little Baby book." StealthPolarBear suggested the Lonely Planet guide to Lebanon.  Whatever could she mean?

MORNINGPAPER XXX

ERASING DAVID. Film-maker David Bond's daughter was one of the 25m citizens whose details were lost by the Child Benefit Office, sending him on a terrifying quest to 'drop out' of the System. Erasing David is in cinemas on 29 April, and on More4 on 4 May - Parent's Privacy Pack here.

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