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FANCY A CHANCE TO SING ON TELLY? Cartoonito, the pre-school television channel, is looking for real mums to sing alongside a celebrity mum in their own rendition of My Favourite Things. If you fancy yourself as a bit of a singer and have a child aged six or under, find out how to audition here.

Talk Round-up
14 August 2009

"I once asked my dad what 'castration' was at a dinner party", confessed BadgersArse: What inappropriate things did you do in your youth? Cute toddler shandyleer impressed her family with her jigsaw skills – until the three year old "came to a tricky bit" and promptly declared: "I can't do this f*cking jigsaw!" Amateur sleuth Shineoncrazydiamond and her family were listening to a description of a suspected rapist on the news, when she piped up: 'Dad, you have a white car! And a moustache! And you were out on Tuesday weren't you?': "I got a bollocking for that one."  Cocolepew recalled the time her father was posted in Germany, and her 7 year old self was watching a friendly football match between the Army and some Germans: "I popped my head out of a tank, gave the arm-in-the-air salute and shouted 'Heil Hitler'."

Would you ask a wedding guest to shave before the 'big day?' asked a bemused candlewaxed: "DH is sitting on the top table and the groom has hinted several times that he should shave. He wasn't even clean shaven at OUR wedding. It's just a beard; not like Santa's." "If he looks like George Clooney, then no" decided MmeLindt, although a less circumspect MamaGoblin shrieked: "Groomzilla!" "It's ridiculous" tutted BitOfFun. "If the groom is that bothered, he should pick someone he aesthetically approves of." "I think he should plait it" suggested Ledodgy helpfully and NorbertDentressangle agreed: "Weave a few beads and ribbons into it (colour co-coordinated with the bridesmaids' dresses of course)".

Spottyotter sought reassuring stories of illogical reasons for tantrums in toddlers, after witnessing her son throw a wobbler "because the flock of seagulls on the seafront had the sheer audacity to fly off when he chased them". Seeker's daughter exploded "because I reversed into a parking space she wanted to go into frontwards" while HensMum's toddler took things one step further when he lost the plot "because he wanted to drive". Poor lilacpink's daughter bit off more than she could chew during a tantrum-fuelled grab for her father's dinner plate: "The irony here was that he was eating vindaloo and she'd grabbed a poppadom load before we could stop her." But perhaps the prize for the most baffling tantrum goes to trixymalixy's son, who exited the back door to the garden at the same time as the cat, only to wail at the cat: "No Elsie, it's MY outside!"

If you lost your voice and had a tape of yourself as backup for your children, what would it say? asked MrsWicket, who would be singing the refrain: "'Where are your shoes? Can you put your shoes ON please? Get your shoes ON." MrsBadger would nag "NOT IN YOUR MOUTH", while chickbean's struggles were summed up by "Do not drink the bathwater." "What did I JUST SAY?!" is HuffySpice's mantra while mooki's is more of a lullaby: "Lie down, close your eyes, go to sleep."  "Are you doing a poo?" is a regular interrogation by Bathsheba - whereas Boys2mam's familiar question reveals that her children are at least getting things done in the right place: "Have you flushed?" Meanwhile custardoFatJesus reveals something of the benefits of the being the mother to older children: "Make it yourself!" Now that's something to look forward to.

MORNINGPAPER XXX

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