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Talk Round-up
12 June 2009

Emma Bridgewater

Emma BridgewaterWe were feeling nostalgic this week, recalling the cringe-worthy and obsessive behaviour of our teenaged days. Aspiring Goth Cowwomanmoo used to wear a studded dog collar that she found on the beach "that really didn't go with my anorak". "I made a single earring out of a circuit board and some soldering wire," recalled an inventive cyteen "and gave myself an infection." Notalone filled diaries with teenage angst along the lines of: "I want to die... Topshop have sold out of the skirt I liked. My life is now over." While Comewhinewithme "wrote letters to an imaginary boyfriend called Nick who died tragically trying to protect me and kept them all in a shoebox". "Actually, parenting today is much harder," noted snigger, "at least in 1985 you knew your teenager was upstairs every Sunday between 5pm and 7pm hoping Gary Davies wouldn't talk over the intro to Rock Me Amadeus."

The desire to pander to a Precious First Born doesn't only come with children: plenty of MNers admitted to having PFB pets. "We took our hamster on holiday with us, and smuggled him into the house because it said 'no pets allowed'," admitted rodent fan Paolosgirl. Others recalled a fondness for felines. "Before children, we took our two cats on an Easter picnic," reminisced nevergonnapost. "We took them to a grassy knoll, got the blanket out, some sarnies for us, cat food for them." "I made our youngest cat a birthday cake with a candle," confessed Vulgar, while CMOTdibbler admitted spending her evenings reading to her cat, when she was "single and lived on my own with no TV". But the worst culprit was Washersaurus, who threw a sickie "as I wanted to stay and look after a sickly goldfish".

Am I being unreasonable to think it was wrong for my wife and children to force me to give my cake to the ducks? asked Daddypig. "If I'm honest, I think my children have behavioural problems and my wife always sticks up for them. They even laugh at me when I fall out of trees." "Your wife is making you look a fool," responded SusieDerkins, "you should have an affair and leave her." "I think you need to invest in sat nav," clucked Tillyscoutsmum, "then your DW might not see the need to punish you constantly for your continual f*ck ups on car journeys." "Some seatbelts for your DC wouldn't go amiss either," admonished siblingrivalry, while notevenamousie stuck the boot in: "And your son has a speech delay, which you have never noticed."

A handy guide this week to signs you are middle-aged, including owning an automatic car and wearing tights in all weathers. "I've taken to always having a cardigan with me 'just in case'," noted Nancy66, who can also "no longer go to a pub and stand - I have to sit down". Wobbegong only goes to pubs for the purpose of "admiring their hanging baskets", while dawntigga admits to "judging a location by the quality of its toilets". Pollyanna warned that middle age was spreading "when you keep a jar because it's a nice shape" and for earthpixie it was thinking "'well, at least I look tidy' when regarding oneself in a mirror". "Making that 'eugh' sound when you get up after kneeling," was a classic sign noted by jambutty, who shamelessly went on to confess: "And when DH gets his degree next month I'm having the photo made into a plate." It's definitely time to put the studded dog collars away.

MORNINGPAPER XXX

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