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Talk Round-up
15 May 2009


Recipe horror this week when Catinthehat2 challenged us with a photo of a Meat Pirate Ship consisting of a raw sausage hull and burnt bacon sails, declaring: "I never want to hear ANYONE complaining about not having ideas for birthday party catering." But we weren't persuaded to ditch the cupcakes just yet. "Oh God, that looks like a scene from one of the SAW movies," gasped hobgoblin, but a potentially worse fate awaited notsoteenagemum: "I just showed it to DD and she said: 'Could you make me a meat Hannah Montana for my party?'"

Meat sculptures notwithstanding, StripeyOss wanted to know about silly things that have traumatised us for life, many of which involved spidery legs in terrible places. "We had a power cut and a daddy-long-legs drowned in my wine," shuddered fishie. "Oh, those legs in my mouth: I will feel them till I die." Runoutofideas recalled the time she was removing snails from her plants while eating a ham sandwich: "I got my hands confused and absentmindedly popped snail into my mouth and threw the sandwich over the fence." While SarahL2 wept with horror recalling "the childhood Sunday dinner when I found a nipple on a piece of belly pork". AramintaCane came of age after introducing her first boyfriend to the family. Her mother very graciously told him she liked his aftershave: "He said 'Thanks. It's called Old Semen.'" In fact it was Ancient Mariner. "Needless to say, the relationship did not last."

We had fun snorting at Nick Duerden in the Guardian (Family section, of course) relaying his tale of paternal revelation after being left alone to look after his 16-month-old daughter for the first time. LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune was irritated by the prose: "'Relief puddles around me.' It makes him sound like he has wet himself." And BouncingTurtle was also unmoved: "Talk about non news! I think I'll write an article for the Guardian about 'How I managed not to run out of clean crockery'." But it wasn't long before Duerden's wife popped up to defend her spouse - "He is a very hands-on parent" - swiftly followed by his publisher, exhorting us to: "Read the whole book before you slag him off." Into the fray came Nonparent, on day release from a child-free forum: "Your secret club of how wonderful parenthood is exposed... Shouldn't you all be looking after your baybees?" JustineMumsnet followed the comings and goings from the safety of MN Towers: "I have to say, way back when we were see-sawing between blue and green colour schemes for the site, we never foresaw this..."

Benbon encouraged us to share the very unhelpful things your other half said during labour, after being barked at by her impatient husband: "YOU ARE DRAGGING IT OUT A BIT!" vjg13's dh complained his arms were hurting from holding the baby too long "whilst I was stitched up". ProstetnicVogonJeltz's DD was crowning when her DH shrieked: "That can't come out of there. It's too big." Theimperialcharliecat's DH did not impress the emergency c-section team when he sauntered in declaring "Bloody hell, it's like MASH in here", and afterwards caught a glimpse of his wife's insides and declared she looked "just like a lasagne".  Throw on a couple of bacon sails and it'll be time for a party.


THE PRESTIGIOUS ALTHORP LITERARY FESTIVAL, hosted by Earl Spencer, has teamed up with the Roald Dahl Museum again this year to produce a series of children's events including former children's laureate Anne Fine and the uproariously funny Louise Rennison. Enjoy a fantastic family day out in the stunning grounds of Althorp and choose from an array of talks, readings and debates involving writers and celebrities such as Fern Britton, Sandi Toksvig and Alastair Campbell. 12-14 June 2009. For a full programme click here.

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