14 ways to make absolutely sure all your wedding guests will hate you
Ladies and gentlemen: wedding season is upon us. Planning on tying the knot this summer? If permanently alienating your friends and family is at the top of your list of dreams for your special day - and if it isn't, you might want to give some thought to your priorities - read on. Here's our celebratory round-up of Mumsnetters' fool-proof tips for irritating your wedding guests. Congratulations!
1) Start as you mean to go on:
"You really should plan your day for three years' time, so that guests are supremely fed up with your bridezilla behaviour before they even get to the wedding. This sets the right tone, I think, for such a wonderful event."
"Tell everyone you're having a very low-key wedding, repeatedly, while you order them around with military precision."
2) Pick a date:
"When deciding upon a date, you need a close relative - ideally a sibling - to have already announced their wedding date. You can then set yours for a few weeks before. For maximum thunder-stealing, you need to ensure that you find out what the other bride will be wearing, what colour the bridesmaids will wear, what hymns they have planned - and then do exactly the same for your own wedding."
"Make sure you organise it for a weekday so that it's cheaper for you but everyone else has to use up a day’s holiday or forfeit a day’s pay."
"Make sure it coincides with a critical World Cup qualifying game for England."
3) Choose your venue wisely:
"Hold the wedding in the Caribbean at Christmas and insist that everyone must go."
"The locations where you get married, where you have your wedding and where you have your night-time reception should all be at least five miles apart for that extra inconvenience to your guests."
4) Shake things up for your bridesmaids:
"Announce to three of your very old friends that your bridesmaid is going to be... someone they have never heard of but who is apparently your oldest friend although you haven't been in touch for the last 20 years."
"If you have two nieces, only ask one of them to be your bridesmaid. Make it clear that this is because the other one won't look as nice in the pictures."
"Expect your bridesmaids to pay in full for outfits they loathe."
"Make sure you have bridesmaids who are polar opposites e.g size 16 with massive boobs/ size 6 with no boobs. Then make them both wear a dress that is only suitable for the size 6 one."
5) And give the theme some real consideration:
"Insist that everyone wears clothes from your chosen colour palette."
6) Send out the invites:
"Insert dreadful/witty poem inside the invitations, asking for cash in order to fulfil your lifelong ambition of staying in a suite at the Bellagio in Las Vegas."
"Definitely do the 'oh please don't buy us a gift as we have everything we could possibly need, our love is all that we desire' - then in the invite include one of those delightful poems asking for cash."
"Remember no children. Except those of 'special friends'."
7) In the run-up:
"Make sure your husband-to-be has a stag WEEKEND in Amsterdam, which starts on Thursday so everyone has to take two days off work. They should stay in a really expensive hotel and there must be activities like quad-biking and abseiling and so on, and nights out in really expensive bars. The whole weekend should set everyone back a couple of grand."
"Tell some friends you are not having a hen party. Then invite them to your wedding and show them a film of you having a ball on your hen night. With all your other friends..."
8) Don't forget the snaps
"Photos must take all afternoon, with bride and groom spirited away to mystery locations for three hours for soft-focus shots."
"My tip would be to let the photographer make all the decisions - they're usually really non-egotistical people who consider the comfort of the guests to be of paramount importance."
9) The seating plan:
"Make all the guests sit with complete strangers with whom they have nothing in common at the wedding breakfast."
"Don't forget that being visible and audible to your guests during the interminable speeches removes the mystery. Far better to hold the entire thing in an L-shaped room where at least half of your guests will be able to make their own entertainment by guessing what the lucky few who can see and hear are laughing at."
10) Make the ceremony really special:
"Always pick hymns no one has ever heard of."
"Tell all your guests you will definitely be exactly on time and then be an hour and-a-half late."
"Write your own vows. Make them as sub-A Level and arse-clenching as possible..."
11) Remember, everyone loves a good speech:
"The best man should have ideally never attended a wedding and should make numerous references to top shelf magazines throughout the speech."
12) Be meticulous in your approach to food and drink:
"Please serve food that looks as if it should/could/might be warm, but is actually stone cold."
"It is also vitally important when you keep your guests waiting for six hours for their dinner, that you serve bucks fizz/pimm's and lemonade/have an open bar, because then you can gurantee that at least one fight will ensue."
13) Or alternatively....
"Have plenty of booze for the top table, one bottle of wine per six for everyone else and no bar!"
14) And don't forget the dance:
"Have a staged dance! Maybe Thriller, complete with zombie actions. Make your guests sign a contract to say they'll participate and be filmed for Youtube."
"Above all, ensure that it is utterly devoid of any spontanaeity, pleasure and/or style. Make it clear it's all about YOU and YOUR SPECIAL DAY."
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