7 things you only hate post-children
Becoming a parent brings a lot of surprises - not least the number of things you will grow to heartily loathe
1. Physical contact
"I now hate being touched. I once cooked an entire roast dinner with a toddler attached to my leg. It took every ounce of willpower I had not to do some sort of ninja kick to flick him off."
"Oh god - the touching. My son thinks I love being prodded in any accessible soft bit of my body, at any time."
"For Christ sake, I love you - but can I not love you from the other side of the room, rather than having you try to sit on my head?"
2. The great outdoors
"I hate parks. Hate them."
"Thomas the Tank Engine. I did not think I was capable of such hatred."
"The malignity upon this earth that is Lego."
"Cheerios. I never knew they could be so rage-inducing. It's like Groundhog Day picking them up off the floor. They get everywhere."
"Weetabix that hardens into something strong enough to fill potholes with."
5. "Mum. Mummy. Muuum. MUMMY. MUUUUUUUM-"
"Hearing MUUUUMMM as soon as I leave the room, particularly if I go upstairs or to the loo. With no difference in volume between 'help me I'm trapped under a heavy object' and 'I want to tell you something really trivial.'"
"When my older two were at the peak of their Mummy repetition phase I had a newborn to contend with. I got so sick of being 'Mummy' that I changed my name to Percival. My son was three and couldn't quite say it, so for a few weeks I was 'Percimal'. It made a lovely change!"
6. The bathroom
"When I am on the loo, my daughter taps on the door and sings 'Elsa? Pleeease, I know you're in there!'"
"My daughter has some kind of Pavlovian response to me having a bath. So every single bath involves someone having a dump right next to my head."
"Before my daughter was born I remember saying that I hoped she was curious about the world. Three years later the constant 'why?' drives me nuts."
"I used to judge uninterested parents I'd see out and about who were clearly not listening to their children's questions, and think how awful it was they were quashing their sense of curiosity. But now I get it.
'Why do we need money Mummy?
How do I make Elsa out of loom bands Mummy?
Why are you still doing 70 mph mummy when it says 'slow down, incident' Mummy?
Why is your office such a mess Mummy?
Why do we need money again Mummy?
How do I put Netflix on Mummy?
WHY IS NETFLIX NOT WORKING MUMMY?
WHY IS NETFLIX NOT WORKING MUMMY? MUMMY MUMMY MUMMYMUMMYMUMMY MUUUUUM WHY IS NETFLIX NOT WORKING MUMMY?'"
Thank God they're cute.
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Last updated: 11 months ago