What to REALLY expect when you're expecting
Anticipating being a glowing paragon of womanliness during your pregnancy? Think again. Mumsnetters give you the lowdown of what's really in store.
"I just cried at Paul Hollywood making scotch pies and how lovely Scotland looked on the show. Howled."
"My husband got me a lemon and herb chicken in a pitta in Nando's. I always have medium. I was 40 weeks pregnant and just sat in front of my chicken and sobbed."
"The donkey sanctuary adverts. I don't even really like donkeys."
"The Chris De Burgh Christmas spaceman song."
"I remember crying that my husband wouldn't let me buy a dead Christmas tree."
"I craved Ready Salted Chipsticks. My God are they hard to find. I think the sales assistant in Home Bargains must have thought my husband was a bit odd when he bought 48 packets which was their entire stock."
"Washing powder. I used to suck on the clothes when they came out of the machine."
"I licked the side of a matchbox once..."
"My husband just told me I've got "massive boobs" that are as "big as your head"! Thanks pregnancy!"
"If you didn't put it there and you won't be the one getting it out of there, don't touch it."
"With strangers I'd just judo chop their hands away."
Unless you take preemptive action...
. That said, my resting facial expression is the 'Death Stare.'"
"During the final antenatal appointment with the obstetrician, he turned round to my husband and said 'you do know to offer only two fingers don't you?'
After much mouthing of 'What?' and 'Don't know!' behind the obs back, the obs finally said 5 minutes later; 'Because I've seen men have their fingers broken in the delivery room.'
In the car park my husband said to me, 'Glad we sorted that out. Not read it anywhere but I thought he was advocating fisting my wife.'"
"I know a lot of people poop but I pooped a little bit at almost every contraction for six hours. Watching my husband fishing around the birthing pool with his wine sediment sieve with a horrified look on his face was brilliant."
...and selective memory will be your friend
"I gleefully told my husband 'At least I didn't poo all over everything,' after my son's birth. He agreed, and told me again how proud he had been of me.
Unfortunately, his face clearly told me that I had shat all over everything, but been blissfully unaware of the fact."
"I was out of it on gas and air asking for a dog instead of a baby. Also talking to my husband's dead dad."
or a lot trippy...
"I believed that the nurse trying (and failing) to take blood from me was in fact... Gail Porter (on some kind of sabbatical from her TV work) and later said to my husband, 'Gail Porter is rubbish at taking blood, they should send her for special training.
He just nodded wearily.'"
"My worst experience as a midwife was having to listen to Celine Dion (as someone's chosen birth music) for an entire shift, on repeat. This was an endurance test like Prince Harry and his South Pole expedition. My heart literally could not go on."
Don't say we didn't warn you... But it's not all bad news - you're not on your own. If you're expecting (or expecting to be expecting), hop along to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Talk boards for help and advice.