"Don't Immac the cat": household rules you forgot to make
Fed up with fishing wellies out of the toilet bowl? Bored of exhorting your children to stop tormenting the family pets? From chicken-riding (forbidden) to knickers at the dinner table (mandatory) take a look at the Mumsnetters' basic code of conduct for the modern family.
Knickers must be worn at the dinner table.
No swords on the table.
No wellies in the toilet bowl.
Standing-up wees are fine but there is no such thing as a standing-up poo.
Do not make magic potions with Mummy's expensive bath oil.
Don't comb the soap.
It isn't necessary for more than one of you to wee in the same toilet at the same time. No-one wants to hear about "crossing the streams".
Don't brush Mummy's hair with the loo brush.
Don't put your brother in the toy box.
Don't wait until your teenage sister is in the bath and shout that you are sitting on her pillow with your bare bottom and rubbing it from side to side.
If you throw your sister's iPod in the bin, tell us before the rubbish is collected.
The cat does not wear lipstick.
Do not brush the dog's teeth with Daddy's toothbrush.
Stop trying to ride the chickens.
Do not Immac the cat.
Pet hamsters who have passed on do NOT need a Viking burial. They will be buried the old fashioned way.
Out and about
Please do not pick Mummy's nose.
Don't lick the bus
Do not tell your teacher about "Daddy's thrashing stick". It does not exist, and your teacher will look at Mummy askance.
Don't tell Grandma that her back ache is probably a tumour.
Don't throw your pants over the garden fence. It unsettles the neighbours.
The words that Mummy and Daddy sometimes use to describe other drivers are not to be repeated outside the car.
Inappropriate food usage
Banana is not a hair product.
Snails are not one of your 5-a-day.
Do not eat all the Cornettos and leave the empty box in the freezer so when I go to get one I'm immensely disappointed. It gives Mummy the rage.
Do not butter the wall.
No naked trampolining.
Do not answer the front door naked.
Never put a sock in the toaster.
DVDs are NOT frisbees.
Do not use my Nintendo DS to take an individual photo of every one of your Sylvanian figures.
The floorboards are not a post box.
Take your old pants off before putting your new pants on top.
Do not throw the big dolly out of the upstairs window and then scream out of the upstairs window that the baby has fallen out of the upstairs window. It is very cruel to passers-by.
On the issue of lightsabers...
Branches are not lightsabers.
Sticks are not lightsabers.
Baguettes are not lightsabers.
Kitchen roll tubes are not lightsabers.
No lightsabers at the table.