Mumsnet guide to starting primary school

How to prepare your child | Helping your child acquire life skills for primary school | Settling your child | Helping your child cope with the playground | Going home time and after school | What to do if your child doesn't like school | Your feelings

Even if your child has been at nursery or playgroup for a while, it can be a big change in both your daily lives when they start primary school. To help allay any anxieties/downright panics you might have, we've put together some advice and Mumsnetters' wisdom to make the transition as painless as possible. You can find more support from other Mumsnetters on our primary school boards and/or our behaviour and development boards. (And if you're indecently happy about the prospect of a few child-free hours a day, you can share your happiness on the boards, too.)

How to prepare your child for primary school

Tell your child what to expect from school but don't oversell it. Most children like school and find it fun but talking about how fantastic it is and how they'll always have lots of lovely children to play with will not stand them in good stead when some horrid kid pushes them out of the way to grab the last princess/pirate dressing-up costume. Be positive but also warn them gently that they may get tired, and if they have any problems or feel sad they should tell their teacher.
 
You should run through the school routine. If you've been collecting your child from a playgroup at lunchtime, tell them that now they're more grown-up they'll be staying at school with the other children for the afternoon (don't add "whether you like it or not"). This can be a shock for some children who may get tired and tearful after lunch. You can reassure them that lots of children feel tired – and remind them of this when they refuse to go to bed at night.

As for the learning-things bit, do say they'll do lots of games to help them learn. You should be aware that some children will get upset that other kids in their class can read and they can't. And, at the first class birthday party, you can be sure some mothers will look to see who has written their own name on the cards and how neat their writing is. You can either adopt a relaxed attitude, forge their signature or get a tutor immediately. The healthy answer is to encourage lots of reading time at home and visits to the library.

Some children get confused or anxious about school rules. They may worry they won't hear the school bell, won't line up in time and then get some fearful punishment. You can reassure them but also say that sometimes children do get absorbed in their games and don't hear the bell, and to keep an eye on what the kids around them are doing. Some child-rearing experts suggest reading a book to your child about starting school and that's fine, as long as it's a happy one. Not Tom Brown's Schooldays.

If your child hasn't been to the school's nursery and doesn't have siblings at the school, do make sure he or she sees the school before starting so they know what to expect. (You might think the place looks fine, but that's because you're big.) Many schools do set up 'taster' sessions for the new September intake at the end of the summer term: don't worry, they won't start grading your child's reading level or anything; it's just a little look-and-play in the classroom, so your child doesn't have to walk into a totally unfamiliar room on their very first day.

As the big day approaches, make sure your child gets into a routine compatible with going to school – no staying up and sleeping in late (and that's even more true for parents). Get your child involved in getting ready for school, buying a new lunchbox (if needed) and encouraging them to get their school clothes ready the night before. It's also worth taking the route you'll usually go to school with your child, and pointing out where the entrance is. Children like the expected because it makes them feel safe – the fewer surprises on the first day (like mummy banging around trying to get into the school through the wrong gate) the better.

Helping your child acquire life skills for primary school

Children at school have to do things you'd normally do for them at home. In fact, most parents do a shocking amount for their children at home. Teachers just can't change 30 children into their PE kit (well, they could but it would take half a day and then it would be going-home time and they'd just have to change them back again) so, ideally, you should teach your child to get dressed and undressed before they start school. Also show your child how to fold their clothes and keep them together. If they can learn personal organisation (and goodness knows that's a lesson we all wish we'd learnt at the age of four), it will save you a fortune on lost school clothes.

Talking of which, do put labels in your child's clothes and show your child where you've put their name, so they can check it themselves. It's tempting to issue warnings about how you will tear them limb from limb if they lose another school fleece but kinder not to. Most schools have a lost property where you can ferret around and 'rehome' another one.

It's common - and often mortifying - for children to wet themselves at school, especially in the first few terms. Children often don't like the school toilets (and who can blame them - they're usually smelly and other kids push the doors open when you're inside) so they will hang on until it's too late. You can have a word with the teacher about reminding your child to go to the toilet, but also give your child a change of pants so they can avoid the embarrassment of telling the teacher if they don't want to.

Make sure your child knows how to pull up their pants and wipe themselves properly (lots of girls get sore bottoms in the first term from wiping back to front, instead of the other way). Teach them how to flush the chain and wash their hands, so they don't perpetuate those awful tummy bugs that can take out whole families.

Do encourage your child to put things away. They'll be expected at school to put their pencils in a pot and to know where their PE kit is - every little bit of independence helps.

Settling your child into primary school

Separation anxiety is common for both parents and children. It's quite traumatic saying goodbye to your tiny and defenceless child. You should make sure your child knows that you, or whoever is dropping them off, will come back (eventually). If they're terribly distraught, discuss strategies with the teacher. Sometimes it helps if you leave your child, walk round the block and come back, so they believe you when you say you'll always come back. You can then gradually extend the length of time you take to come back.

Good Reception/P1 teachers are expert at looking after upset children and don't mind if you leave a screaming child, although other parents will give you superior looks that imply your child is a baby. You can ask if you can phone the school office later to check your child's OK. Children don't cry for as long as you imagine they will.

It can help to come into the classroom with your child (the first time, show them their peg and where the toilet is), hang up their coat and then bring them to the carpet to sit down and kiss them goodbye. This routine can get shorter as the term goes on.

"As a teacher there's nothing worse than snivelling parents making fond farewells inside the classroom. Children settle in much better if parents send them in confidently, smiling, wishing them well... Then you can go and weep round the corner. I did!" Clutteredup

And don't forget that if anything has happened at home – if Harry the gerbil has passed away or whatever – your child's teacher will want to know.  

Helping your child cope with the playground

Some children are naturally outgoing, physically capable and cope well in the playground. Others hang round the edges and can't work out how to get into the games. We all hope it's not our child who is moping on the sidelines but, if it is, you can help them.

If your child is struggling to join in playground games, tell them to ask an adult in the playground to help. They should say: "I want to play with Chloe but I don’t know how." Schools try to help children make friends and teachers will do sessions about sharing and taking turns to encourage kids to be nice to each other in the playground and to make sure no one is left out.

Help your child to develop more social skills before they start school by taking them to see people, especially if they also have children, showing them what sharing means and encouraging them to have conversations. Kids are like adults - they like confident, chatty mates. Talk through the events of the day with your child: "Wasn't it nice when we saw Tom and Alice? We went to the park, didn't we, and did you enjoy the slide?" Ask them open questions (how, what, where, why) and encourage them to have opinions and ask questions.

Rather than bustling in and dispensing justice when your child is in dispute with a friend, help them to negotiate. Let each give their point of view and then ask what they think should happen.

As long as the school allows it, let your child take a small toy to play with in the playground. This can sometimes make them feel more able to cope – if there isn't anyone to play with at least they'll have something to do. If you are competitive Mummy or Daddy, you can find out the latest playground craze and buy your child whatever it is in an attempt to make them popular. Kids can be just as shallow as adults, so it may work.
 
Going home time and after school
Make sure you're early to pick up your child as it's upsetting for them to be the last child (OK, so someone has to be). Children are usually starving by home time, so you may want to bring a snack and drink to the school gate. Sweets and fizzy drinks will be frowned on by other parents, so go for something more wholesome, like a bun and fruit juice.

When your child gets home, let them have a rest and snuggle with you or their carer. You may want to let them watch telly for a while to unwind. If ever quality time was needed, it's now. You can ask them what happened at school but be prepared to hear "nothing". Try not to interrogate them.

"DS has graduated from MI5 training at nursery school to being a fully fledged member of the French Resistance at big school. All I know for sure is you need to use the toilet necklace when you go to the toilet. Someone wore it home once. You need to learn to kick a ball properly, not in a silly manner. This is important. Sometimes they do dancing in a very, very big room. DS can now hop round in circles (for which I understand he receives some kudos), in addition to just plain old straight line hopping. They went and dug some things up in the garden. DS found a wood louse. He wished he had been the person who found a slug. The teacher is quite generous with stickers, even for what I would recognise as 'low levels of attainment'. Erm, that's it." Anchovy

While it is nice to have playdates (friends round) and after-school activities, don't overload your child in the exhausting first term - maybe one after-school thing a week is enough.

 Don't worry too much about homework. If your child is resistant, sit with them and do it together.

"We do his words under the Spotlight. We switch the big lamp on and turn it so there is a big spotlight on the floor and ds stands on it and says all his words. We also do a guessing game to match the words with something he can relate it to. For example, for the word fish we would say 'I swim in the sea. What am I?' He seems to remember all his words much better this way." Kidstrack2

Most Reception/P1 school children go to bed between 7pm and 7.30pm and a routine with a bath can be calming for a child after a long day at school.

What to do if your child doesn't like school

You child may suddenly refuse to go to school, have tummyaches at the school gate in the morning or refuse to go into the classroom. This may happen after your child has happily skipped into school the previous day. Don't panic or get impatient (even though it will always happen when you really don't have time to talk them round).

Gently try to find out why – if there has been an incident in the playground or if they're worried about the work or the other kids. Children can say very painful things, such as "I don’t think anyone likes me". This is usually not true but you need to listen and talk to their teacher.

"I think if there is general stuff like bullying going on, then the teacher talks to the whole class. If someone is really naughty (like Oliver sticking his finger up his bottom and then putting his finger in Max's sandwich - the stuff of legend) they get sent to (horrifically scary) headmistress." Enid

Don't phone up other parents to try to get to the bottom of what has happened because usually you won't. All that happens is that you parents will fall out indefinitely while your children will have made up and become best friends again within the week. So stay calm. Your child will usually work it out.

"They all change 'best' friends about 500 times in the first couple of terms anyway!" Porpoise

Your feelings about your child starting school
Try not to not sob loudly in front of your child as you say goodbye on the first day. Your child needs to feel confident, so, even if you're still scarred by your first day at school, act normal and be supportive.

"Quite soon, you lose the negative feelings and enjoy all the new experiences having a school-aged child brings – the new social life, the reading books they bring home, the Christmas play etc." DumbledoresGirl

It can feel horribly empty if your child has always been around for some of the day and then they're gone for all of it. Well, you can get a hobby, go for tea with other mothers, shave your legs again, get a job or work more hours. And there's always the holidays. 

"They need to go. They need the progression and the social interaction. They need to find out about things without us looking over their shoulders all the time. Start planning what you're going to do with your free time. Enjoy yourself. She'll be back by 3pm. You'll be fine." Rhiannon