Help us come up with a bluffer's guide to the World Cup (please!)

(93 Posts)
CatherineHMumsnet (MNHQ) Tue 25-May-10 09:42:01

Knowledge is power, and as the start of the World Cup edges ever closer, we'd like to create a Mumsnet powerbase of phrases/facts to come out with whenever there's a match on. The kind that'll amply demonstrate our clear understanding of the game.

So who'll get the ball rolling <fails to resist urge to pun>

Saltire Tue 25-May-10 09:43:56

I have a good tip - hide the remote (obviously only works if you put something different on tv first)

Iklboo Tue 25-May-10 13:54:46

I'm with Saltire (although DH hates 'fubble' so I'm a lucky, lucky lady)

Lizzylou Tue 25-May-10 14:09:47

Pray it doesn't go to penalties and hope that the camera pans often to David Beckham looking gorgeous in a suit.

WilfShelf Tue 25-May-10 14:15:05


Some of us are not footie bluffers. Some of us actually like the blardy stuff. You're gonna have to pay me now for my sage insights.

I recommend Leningrad and Squonk and Pan (though god forbid I have to be on the same panel as him) as fellow pundits should you require us.

Eleison Tue 25-May-10 14:17:08

You just need to subscribe to the service here.

Oh nooooo.... no offence to those who do actually like it, but I was hoping MN would be a football-free zone. DH doesn't like football and I never normally have to put up with it, but I suspect that he will make an exception for the World Cup [sigh]

I don't want to "amply demonstrate my clear understanding of the game" I want to have "know nothing of football, care even less" tattooed across my forehead for the duration.

HelenMumsnet (MNHQ) Tue 25-May-10 14:36:11

Oh, but it's you we NEED, WillShelf!

Please do give us some gems - or MNHQ will have to put up with my World Cup-isms all June.

<twirls in World Cup 2010 South Africa T-shirt that I've had since March, dontchaknow, and tries once again to explain the offside trap to Olivia>

Tortington Tue 25-May-10 14:38:06

Offside Rule for girls.

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.

The 'opposing' female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire.

Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.

She prepares to throw her purse to you.

If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, *whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper,
catch the purse and buy the shoes.

Always remembering that until the purse had *actually been thrown* it would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.

CMOTdibbler Tue 25-May-10 14:39:48

I mark the changing of the seasons as to whether DH is glued to the tv watching football, rugby, or cricket. Of the three, I dislike football the most, and DH knows this. Don't really understand why I would pretend to know about something I have no interest in at all <baffled>


We will almost certainly get to knockout stages, prob get knocked out in quarter-finals, maybe semis. Invaraibly on penalties.
This is right and fine, aand eqates with our placing in world ranking (we are 7th in world)

We Will NOT win.

BitOfFunInTheQuattro Tue 25-May-10 14:45:41

Superb analogy, Custy. grin

Just read that out to Dh Custy, he replied "but thats what I've tried to tell you for yonks"

"you never mentioned shoes" I told him (humph)

FelicityMintcake Tue 25-May-10 14:53:03

Eleison grin I was about to suggest that too. Love LOVE The IT Crowd!

Football is a total mystery to me. The only contact I have with it is taking ds to football practise, handing him his drink and making him beans on toast afterwards blush

WilfShelf Tue 25-May-10 14:53:45

hahaha, that is brilliant custy.

You forgot the bit, though, that says you have to be intending to actually buy the shoes to be offside. If, perchance, your mate decides you really want them, but were busy whistling and looking out of the window near the till, knowing nothing about said shoes, the, um referee store detective would have to decide whether you were deliberately catching the purse to 'interfere' with the other woman's chances, or, um, accidentally standing there waiting for a random purse to bounce off your head.

Clear now?


Tortington Tue 25-May-10 14:54:45

you lost me.

LeninGrad Tue 25-May-10 15:02:19

It's a game of two halves, that's all you need to know. Unless there's extra time and penalties, but that would only be in the latter knock-out stages not the early group stages. It's all very simple.

All England supporters have a second underdog team on standby to support and a third really good one. We are realists but like to participate by proxy until the end.

MaryBS Tue 25-May-10 15:03:02

I quite like football blush. I can recommend a couple of phrases

"Playing a long game" = kicking the ball as far as you can in the hope that one of your team will be able to run fast enough to get to it.

"Keeping it tight" = lots of little short passes between players of the same team, which results in them keeping hold of the ball (aka "possession").

You prefix either of these 2 phrases by "I can see that xxx (substitute name of team) is ....

LeninGrad Tue 25-May-10 15:09:07

'Early doors' - just means early on but sounds much more interesting. Prob won't hear it as Big Ron went a bit batshit racist crazy and was dropped from commentating some time ago.

LeninGrad Tue 25-May-10 15:13:21

Those little gold stars on their shirts aren't for good behaviour and playing nicely, they indicate how many world cups their teams have won.

WilfShelf Tue 25-May-10 15:50:58

If you drop in a quick 'Jeez, they really need to bring Wright-Phillips or Lennon on for a bit of width' when England are struggling or 'it's true, Lampard and Gerrard can't play together', you'll probably get a shag later on in the evening.

LeninGrad Tue 25-May-10 15:59:33

Oh yes, must agree that Lennon should play and if we need some height up front it has to be Crouch of course if I want to be in DP's good books. And Defoe, wail that Defoe isn't playing if we don't score. smile

spiderlight Tue 25-May-10 16:03:53

Every time David Beckham appears on screen, ask 'Is that Wayne Rooney?' Guaranteed to irritate.

smallorange Tue 25-May-10 16:05:36

Scotland aren't in it. Do not ask Scots if they will be supporting England instead.

HesterPrynne Tue 25-May-10 16:10:23

Beat the pundits to it by dropping these established stereotypes into conversations, or play Bingo Balls:

However promising Spain look in the early rounds they will always bottle it in big games

All the African sides will be a joy to watch, exciting and exuberant, but lack discipline and fitness

Unlike Germany who play dour unattractive football with Teutonic discipline, and will be there at the end.

And of course the Brazilians play the beautiful game, no matter that you've just seen the Germans executing exactly the same move, it's only beautiful if accompanied by the yellow and green of Brasilia.

And of course: there are no easy games in international football, particularly not in this stage of the World Cup.

MmeLindt Tue 25-May-10 16:12:03

LOL at the Custy offside rule explanation. That is brilliant.

Don't ask if Ruud Guillit/Lothar Mattheus/Pele are still playing.

And don't remark that that the Italian team is definitely the best looking one, even if they do wear hairbands.

LeninGrad Tue 25-May-10 16:12:39

If 'potential banana skin' gets mentioned I will scream. What an utterly useless turn of phrase.

MmeLindt Tue 25-May-10 16:15:18

My German DH maintains that the Germans play a one goal strategy. After they are one goal up they retreat into their own half and try to stop the other team scoring.

WilfShelf Tue 25-May-10 16:17:32

Use 'it's a Big Ask' at every opportunity. This will probably not get you a shag by the end of the evening...

Lizzylou Tue 25-May-10 16:17:49

England will go out in Quarter/Semi-finals yes, most probably on penalties. BUT there will always have been a cheating opposition player (think handballed goal, overdramatic afer tackles to get player sent off) and/or a partisan referee.

So we never really feel that we deserve to go out, despite only barely making it to that stage.

loving the shoe analogy for the offside rule grin

Mmelindt, I agree, Italian team normally very hot, have a big fondness for Luca Toni.

WilfShelf Tue 25-May-10 16:18:45

England will lose their first two games; the tabloids will call for Capello's head on a plate and a spear up his arse.

Some games later, when they have pulled it back, the tabloid will call for his Knighthood.

profscooter Tue 25-May-10 17:08:40

Remember that Campos the Mexican goalkeeper who used to play in fancy multicoloured jerseys has retired and the chap they have now appears to be not as good, on last night's showing.

DoNotFeedMeBiscuits Tue 25-May-10 17:42:35

Portugal only stand a chance if Cristiano Ronaldo remains fit, but if he's in the team, there's always a chance of a spectacular goal.

Capello prefers a 4-4-2 system, although it's proving difficult to decide who to play up front with Rooney, and he may still opt to play him up front as a lone striker, following his successful season in that position at Manchester Utd.

ZoopAZoopTroupe Tue 25-May-10 18:02:47

Very basic stuff to know:

England are in Group C, with USA, Algeria and Slovenia.

England fans don't want Argentina or Germany to win (or, increasingly, Portugal).

Scottish people support whoever is playing England.

Irish fans will be boo-ing France (especially Henry) ate every opportunity.

HesterPrynne Tue 25-May-10 18:26:01

Oh, and don't get so carried away with it all and do what I did in 2002 watching England and kindly suggested to DS that he stopped walking in front of the TV.

It took me a couple of seconds to realise it was the first time he had stood and walked by himself - ever. He was 14 months

smallorange Tue 25-May-10 18:37:24

It also seems necessary to shout: "FFS referee" every five minutes, according to my experience living with DP.

smallorange Tue 25-May-10 18:40:24


Whenever there is a big match on, it is time to go shopping. The car parks are empty and the shoe shops open - hurrah! grin

leavingonajetplane Tue 25-May-10 19:42:34

If anyone wonders where Ireland are, shout:

"Its a traversty!!" Loudly and every opportunity, especially when France are playing.

<not bitter in the least and definately over it by now>

LeninGrad Tue 25-May-10 19:43:22

Don't say, 'Never mind, it's only a game' when England lose in the semis on penalties to Germany (or Argentina, or Portugal). Especially if we had a perfectly fine goal disallowed at the end of normal play.

Butkin Tue 25-May-10 20:13:55

If England do get through the semi finals they are likely to meet Brazil - where they will probably lose!

A few things to ask DH:

Do you think Capellos is right to use 4-4-2 or should he play Gerrard just off the strikers?

Do you think Ledley King's knee will last the tournament?

Don't you think it would be great if Motty was still commentating on the World Cup games?

WilfShelf Tue 25-May-10 20:18:34

<sobs> at Lenin

LeninGrad Tue 25-May-10 20:22:43

I'll be there for you Wilf, you know it's going to happen, may as well prepare for the disappointment now.

<will still be believing we can do it when 3-0 down in the 80th minute to Brazil, and to be fair, we will get two goals back>

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WilfShelf Tue 25-May-10 20:26:04

How're you gonna cope now you're back at work, Len?

I have an evil plan to invite my workmates round to hold meetings in front of the telly grin

Actually, maybe they will all be evening matches, being hot and all. What's the time difference?

LeninGrad Tue 25-May-10 20:27:42

Annual leave wilf. smile

And/ or streaming.

NobleFrangipani Tue 25-May-10 20:47:43

[[ "We"] is a term with flexible meaning when football is on.

NobleFrangipani Tue 25-May-10 20:48:29
NorbertTheNutjob Tue 25-May-10 20:54:12

Oh, so that's who you are Eleanor...

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WilfShelf Tue 25-May-10 21:01:24

That's a bloody good name Eleanor grin. Who are you then?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

missorinoco Tue 25-May-10 21:13:32

Also loved the shoe analogy for the offside rule, although you lost me with the store detective bit.

As far as I can tell, there's lots of men falling around on the floor doing BAFTA award winning impressions of serious injury for a little knock your toddler wouldn't even need a cuddle for.

notnowbernard Tue 25-May-10 21:23:28

BBC coverage always better than ITV - but Adrian Chiles at ITV now so might improve it a bit

BBC get better pundits

notnowbernard Tue 25-May-10 21:28:48

Commentators will discuss the heat/humidity/altitude at least 10 times in the run up to kick-off

notnowbernard Tue 25-May-10 21:29:50

So, asking the question "Is it really that likely that a Northern hemisphere team can win this World CUp? It's not been done before in the Southern hemisphere..." will get you bonus points grin

what are the formations then?

4 4 2 (M&S)

2 5 3 (maybe Zara?)

0 0 11 (Versatchi)

NorbertTheNutjob Tue 25-May-10 21:41:16

I can't actually say, I'm incognito atm, but I have a South Park FB profile picture.

MaryBS Tue 25-May-10 21:48:57

Whenever "we" dive say "That was a definite foul, come on ref!".

Whenever "they" dive say "Give the man an Oscar, what a blatant dive, book him ref!"

WilfShelf Tue 25-May-10 21:51:02

If you openly drool at Alan Hansen, your credibility as a football expert may be challenged.


Just me then?

ShadeofViolet Tue 25-May-10 21:52:03

Never discuss the colours of the strip - such as 'Ooh I like the yellow of the Brazil strip'. Similarly hairstyles - I know most of the Italy team could do with a good trim, but dont say anything.

We will be okay as long as the commentators dont tempt fate by saying 'David Batty has never scored from the penalty spot' he then misses and England are out.

Thistledew Tue 25-May-10 21:53:06

A non-European team will win, as European teams only win when the World Cup is held in Europe.

NobleFrangipani Tue 25-May-10 21:54:14

Wilf, if you openly drool at Alan Hansen, your credibility as an android may be greatly enhanced.

A drooling android, that is.

ShadeofViolet Tue 25-May-10 22:00:35

If you want to be really clever, you could gloat that Ballack wont be fit to play for Germany, plus they are missing two other key players, Adler and Tasch.

You could also drop in Portugals goaless draw with the tiny Cape Verde side and you might get your DH's attention.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WilfShelf Tue 25-May-10 22:06:15

Me and Alan. We could have dirty robot sex.

ShadeofViolet Tue 25-May-10 22:07:24

You could, but the after-sex conversation would be very negative!

LeninGrad Tue 25-May-10 22:23:16

smile SoV

custy = Jose grin

You should also mention that King is unlikely to play a full game and Ballack is not fit to be on the plane ... And yawn

LeninGrad Tue 25-May-10 23:17:33

Ballack isn't fit to be on the plane though.

King and dodgy knees always go in the same sentence as do Rooney and temperament (although bonus points for saying 'less so this season' as though you know it to be true).

SomeGuy Tue 25-May-10 23:24:54

England already won the world cup!

Ok, it was 20/20 cricket, but still.

Won't be watching the footy version.

Just thought of another one:-

If Jamie Carragher is playing well:-

"Capello was right to bring him out of international retirement and Carragher was right to put his country before his club"

If he is not:-

(well just reverse that sentiment really)

ScreaminEagle Wed 26-May-10 10:21:06

The Offside rule doesn't need a girly shoe-shopping analogy [catbumface]

Its not that difficult to understand.

In simple terms, there must be two players from the opposing team between you and the goal when the ball is passed to you.

There are more complicated things about being in active and whatnot, but thats the basic ground rule.

UnquietDad Wed 26-May-10 11:41:26

England are inconsistent.

They raise their game for the big opponents - e.g. Germany, Argentina - and struggle against more insipid opposition.

Several variations on that, plus a few player names, have helped me to bluff many a football conversation over the years.

bunjies Wed 26-May-10 21:03:46

Remeber whenever a player fluffs a kick/goal etc they are officially known as a donkey or a muppet and must be referred to as such as in the following example:

"Oh ffs, what a donkey/muppet".

Cammelia Thu 27-May-10 11:57:08

Remember that Germany have never won the World Cup, it was West Germany that have won it twice grin

notnowbernard Thu 27-May-10 14:20:35

Prepare yourself for a wealth of cheating amateur dramatics fouling players

It is unbelievable to watch. The English players do it the least, though

Latino blooded teams are pretty awful at it

Though the Germans have bad form

Cammelia Thu 27-May-10 14:54:06

The Argentinians are the worst foulers

PenelopePitstops Thu 27-May-10 21:32:12

Spain are not going to go far, despite their lucky draw/easy ride.

Brazil will probably win

Argentina being managed by Maradonna is NOT a good thing for them

France have a shocking ly bad team

Mention Huddlestone as potential for the England squad

Random fact of the day: Any team can replace an injured player upto 24hours before the World Cup's opening match and this player does not have to be in the original 30 man squad.

amothersplaceisinthewrong Thu 27-May-10 21:45:20

So Argentina have the hand of God on their side, hmmmm.

notnowbernard Thu 27-May-10 21:47:04

Am amazed he is still alive shock

He is God in Argentina though..

TrinityMeemaRhino Thu 27-May-10 23:29:41

I haven't read the whole thread but I do feel a little but icky at the thought that we have to pretend we care, like, know about football

I'm not stupid, I understand the offside rule

I just dont enjoy football and I'm not going to pretend I do

Jaquelinehyde Thu 27-May-10 23:51:56

Nobody should have to pretend to like football trinity I agree with you. I hate cricket and would never pretend to like it even if we became the best team in the world, it is a boring, stupid game and I would rather peel my own eyes than watch it.

However, I am lucky enough to love, love, love football. I am so excited by it I can't even begin to explain it.

munchkinland Fri 28-May-10 09:34:25

Ledley King is such an amazing player that he doesn't have to train (unfortunately his knee is so F*ed that if he did train, he would be too injured to play that weekend)
He has such a natural talent though that they would be silly not to take him.

Ballack (Germany's captain) is a casualty in the similar vein to Beckham, in that he won't be playing in the world cup due to injury.

I start maternity leave to coincide with the world cup - what timing! (Just a shme I can't enjoy a beer or two in the pub gardens alongside it grin

Sven Goran Errikson is managing Ivory Coast [useless fact]

New Zealaand are making their world cup debut (previously only one team from that part of the world could qualify, it changed to two this time round)

UnquietDad Fri 28-May-10 20:58:06

Odds of 33-1 on Ivory Coast - they look pretty good for the quarter-finals...

crunchbag Fri 28-May-10 21:37:14

England v USA is in the Royal Bafokeng Stadium, try saying that aloud in front of the kids

Jux Fri 28-May-10 23:02:25

If you see one of the runny-abouty-men running backwards, shout "get back in that space-time vortex and SCORE"

essexmummy99 Thu 03-Jun-10 18:07:38

Practice here...

"Penalty Shootout Competition"

England need all the penalty practice they can get!!!

It's a great little game, go on give it a go!

Heifer Sat 05-Jun-10 20:00:53

My advice would be to just shut up! It's not compulsory to talk utter b*llocks at the television during a match. Just because your bloke does doesn't mean you need to match it.

If you are trying to impress anyone watching the footie, just keep quiet.

AND this is most important..

If you go to a pub to watch with a load of men and you see a woman there, do not talk to her. Do not assume she also doesn't have a clue what is going on, and on no account comment on how good looking that player is or that you are wearing new shoes.

It could be me and all I want to do is watch the football in peace grin

rant over..

Mum2Luke Mon 07-Jun-10 13:35:50

Pray it doesn't go to penalties and hope that the camera pans often to David Beckham looking gorgeous in a suit.


Nah David Beckham doesn't do anything for me, Joe Hart (one of our England goalies) is alot nicer looking. wink

Looks like we are cursed already with our England crocs going injured at last minute. Capello should have taken Adam Johnson and Walcott as they seem the only ones that are not injured but then what do I know, am only a Manchester City fan lol! :D

CatherineHMumsnet (MNHQ) Tue 08-Jun-10 12:23:29

These are all brilliant - we've collected some of them together in our World Cup section

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