Is there a time and place to NOT speak up about misogyny and abuse? eg facebook and the like

(83 Posts)
alltoomuchrightnow Mon 02-Sep-13 18:50:44

To try and summarise.. i left my alcoholic and also extremely misogynistic and abusive fiance this summer. I fled everything and am in the horrible position of being back at my parents, in a complete mess, traumatised and with a life to rebuild.
I have tried to keep my head down and just get on with things, but ex's abuse and harrassment still reaches me. I'm waiting to see my DV advisor and will probably have to get an order against him as he's stopping me from moving on.
Ex is continuously spreading vicious lies and rumours about me, inc on public forums such as facebook and a podcast he does. So far i've tried to keep dignity and ignore it all, though it's hard. But it all came to a head last week.
I know Facebook isnt the place for it,but it's all i'm on , apart from Mumsnet. Even then, i did not lower to his depths..and did not mudsling at all . I put (on my status) that i was sick of the lies and having to justify and explain myself all the time.. and felt i was being punishing merely for having left abuse. I did not name him personally, just referred to as my ex. And warned others against him..with good reason..he was harrassing my friends and family right then. That is all i put.
I should explain that when he puts vicious rants about me, there's very few that stick up for me. Most people just ignore..i guess by now, they know what/ who he is. (i have blocked him by the way, but people keep telling me what he's put) Sadly, some people actually support him..enablers..and send him money to live on, as his now slashed benefits all go on booze. He is very charming and charismatic so is very good at pretending to people he's in the right all the time and will make up lies as to why i left..eg i had affairs or whatever...he will tell people i'm mentally ill and lie about abuse (when he himself is mentally ill, and I am not, though i have bad anxiety and depression over all this)
When i put my statuses saying i thought the lies were unfair.and to warn people.. my inbox was flooded. Strangely enough..it was male friends offering sympathy and support. It was some women... who were the opposite. Telling me to take down my statuses as i was doing myself no favours . That i was laying myself too bare and vulnerable (but unlike my ex, id given no specifics about anything)
They said i'd be laying myself open to more attack from him.
I took down all my statuses.
But he's still kicking off at me and spreading muck
I'm angry i should be told to keep quiet and not speak out. Why should i try and protect him ? Pretend it never happened?
I realise FB is not the place..but i wasnt mudslinging, merely warning others that he was harrassing my friends and it could be them next..and not to believe any lies.
So..should i have removed them ? After all, others make a stand for things on FB be it something they're promoting, or something they believe in.
Why shouldn't i promote anti misogny, if i wanted? And be empowered that i left him?
why is it women telling me to keep quiet as it's airing dirty laundry (and i emphasise again..unlike him, i gave NO details)
HOw is me talking about him , letting him win? (that was their accusation) He's stripped me bare, there is nothing more he can take from me.
Why should i pretend DV doesnt happen, so people can go on ignoring it and burying their heads?
I'm not trying to be a victim..I'm a survivor. I'm happy I left. Why are other women warning me to keep quiet?
I would really appreciate views here but please go easy on me! i'm still reeling from what he's put me through and the damage he's still causing.

alltoomuchrightnow Mon 02-Sep-13 18:51:16

Sorry that's so long!
I feel really let down, that female friends told me to take down my statuses.

alltoomuchrightnow Mon 02-Sep-13 18:55:54

I accept if i'm being totally oversensitive right now.....but it feels like i'm being told to be the 'little woman' and to keep quiet and shut up about it all... and the fact his woman friends have given him money..knowing who and what he is..sickens me. He abused his ex wife too.. people know this..why are there so many enablers out there? I feel he has to justify nothing (and believe me, he's done some really evil stuff lately) because he can (and does) just states he's ill..yet i have to keep justifying the lies he spreads about me.. I know others with illnesses and addictions and they'd never get away with treating others like he does. Why do people support the abuser over the abused woman?

LRDMaguliYaPomochTebeSRaboti Mon 02-Sep-13 18:57:12

Oh, that sounds horrible.

Is there any reason not to delete and block him on facebook?

alltoomuchrightnow Mon 02-Sep-13 19:04:40

he is blocked. but mutual friends keep me informed of the vile spew he says about me and others (he will drag my friends into it too) i guess its cyber bullying. he will put very personal stuff about me like about my fertility, dress size etc or accuse me of all sorts eg affairs with married men or that i have eating disorders (how kind he is..and disrespectful others that have problems that he's accusing me of).. last week he went too far and he broke up my relationship with a new man. I'm totally heartbroken..and furious. He announced on FB that he'd break us up..and then he did. He outed loads of very personal stuff about me and this guy inc stuff from past and a good measure of lies. that's why i finally said something in my statuses. and it was the woman telling me to keep quiet! hmm The new guy wants nothing to do with me now, because my ex wont leave me alone and therefore will target them too (which he did)

alltoomuchrightnow Mon 02-Sep-13 19:05:20

the women not woman arggh!

scallopsrgreat Mon 02-Sep-13 19:55:54

I think your women 'friends' are doing the classic of minimising nasty male behaviour and focussing solely on quite reasonable female behaviour and equating them at the same level. hmm I also don't think that they want to face up to the fact that you were in an abusive relationship and they stood by and let it happen.

This is one of the many reasons women find it so difficult to leave abusive relationships. There are so many enablers outside their relationship.

I'm not surprised you feel let down. Anyone would. Your feelings are valid and I'm sorry you are going through this. You haven't done anything wrong.

WilsonFrickett Mon 02-Sep-13 20:24:40

Scallops is right.

But I would also suggest coming off facebook for a while. It's not doing you any good at all. Now I know that may sound like I too am trying to silence you - I'm not, at all. It's your right to say what you like, where you like, of course.

But ultimately a social media site is just something to mess around with while the ad breaks are on. It's not important. But by continuing to use it you are continuing to allow XP in to your home, every day IYSWIM. And you need to move on from that situation. You have left him - well done. Now you have to heal and move forward. Only allow people in your life who can help you with that. Not your shitty apologist 'friends' and certainly not your X. Take down your account for a week and see if things improve.

nameequality Mon 02-Sep-13 20:29:03

I'm glad you have managed to get away (physically) from this abusive man. I believe everything you have said.

Do you have a date for your meeting with your DV advisor?

I think that you should speak to the police as you are being stalked.

Have a look at the DASH risk checklist.

Can you ask people not to tell you what he has put on Facebook? Your friends are asking you to modify your behaviour which is a form of victim blaming.

Please check out the everyday victim blaming website. I think this will give you some comfort as you can label what your friends are doing. Please understand that victim blaming is deeply embedded in our culture. You could perhaps share the website with your friends. You may want to make new <feminist!> friends going forward.

As to why the abuser is supported over the abused well I think that is in the main due to Patriarchy. Have you read any feminist books?

You can talk to someone on the Rights of Women helpline about getting an order against him.

Have you heard of the Freedom programme? Would you consider going on this programme before embarking on another relationship?

This new guy was not right for you if he has been put off by your ex. How did he get in touch with him? This is part of the stalking and I think needs to be reported to the police. Do discuss this with your DV advisor and use the checklist linked above.

I hope your parents are supportive? Do you have a job?

Do you think your ex might suspect you post here? You can get this moved somewhere quieter (non searchable) on MN if you like?

I hope you will find that a feminist perspective will help you make sense of what has happened/is happening to you.

BasilBabyEater Mon 02-Sep-13 21:32:18

I'd post the everyday victim-blaming site on your FB status to point out to your silly friends what they're doing.

And then dump them and get new friends if they don't learn from it.

Also report the bloke to the police for harassment - just because it's happening in a virtual environment, doesn't mean it's not real, it's still harassment.

scallopsrgreat Mon 02-Sep-13 22:19:38

The website is here. You can also submit your experience (anonymously) if you feel it would help to write your story down and get validation from others.

alltoomuchrightnow Mon 02-Sep-13 23:52:22

im back and really, really scared. he has been threatening my friends tonight. ive been getting messages thru from them telling me. inc my best friend. she says if i dont stop him i'll lose her forever. i cant lose her, i've already lost this new guy. its not violent threats, it's about exposing things he knows about people. he's done it before to people, to hurt me. She said it's my fault for not stopping him before. I was too scared to. i need to speak to police in morn. my parents wont let me deal with it tonight as they say it's non emergency. i will ring the policeman i dealt with months ago..he begged me then to get an injunction back then. my best friend is saying its all my fault , as i didnt do it then. I didnt because then..as now..he had my pet and possessions and i didnt want his son to hate me

alltoomuchrightnow Mon 02-Sep-13 23:53:01

and because of the blackmail and threats.
No, my parents arent supportive. my dad is an abusive bully but not a drinker. violent when i was young but he's old now. he's still a controlling bully,,like my ex

scallopsrgreat Mon 02-Sep-13 23:59:03

If you don't stop him??? Wtf? Since when have you been responsible for his behaviour? Since when could you stop him? And she's your best friend? Why isn't she blocking him (although I think that horse has bolted if she is already getting blackmail threats)?

Regardless of that it is time to get the police involved. Really, neither of you should have to put up with it.This is harassment/blackmail and probably a whole host of other things.

Ring the police non emergency number and get some advice, quickly.

AnyFucker Tue 03-Sep-13 00:03:06

Report to police first thing in morning. All of it.

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 00:04:06

he has her and her partner's mobile numbers.

BOF Tue 03-Sep-13 00:07:02

Just screenshot everything and go to the police. You will be able to get an injunction to stop him doing this.

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 00:08:03

my parents are angry with me for again bringing stress to their home (oh so i didnt flee here in terror?) and telling me to deal with it in morning. i will end up totally alone and isolated. the new guy has not only been convinced of my ex's lies and is now against me..(despite what my ex did to him!) but i will lose more friends inc best friend. she has told me in black and white terms..i will lose her as she will blame me. she said i need to be taught a lesson and its my wake up call and all my fault for meeting him on facebook and agreeing to go and meet him. but he was a recovered alcoholic. He was dry for 6 yrs. so we had a good 3 yrs out of our 4. it was only the last year he picked up the bottle again. I should say ive never joined so much as a dating agency or met a guy on the net before. we had many mutual friends and i'd already seen him at a gig. he wasnt a stranger. how did i know what would happen?

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 00:08:41

he still has my stuff and my beloved pet whom i can't get yet :-( he'll punish me for this. why do you think i didnt act before

WafflyVersatile Tue 03-Sep-13 00:09:19

Tell your friends to report him too. He is blackmailing them.

It's not fair to hold you responsible for his actions.

WafflyVersatile Tue 03-Sep-13 00:10:24

Ask the police to escort you to his to remove your stuff?

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 00:36:31

im so scared im shaking i know i'll be up all night again and no strength to deal with this but i'll have to do it. i can't remove my stuff.. i'm too ill from all this to drive there (two counties away) and no where to put my stuff. i ws going to get storage with new man but of course ex scared him off. i cant afford a van or storage alone. i have to leave my stuff.

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 00:37:44

i shouldve done this in Feb when the police begged me to, so this is partly my fault

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 00:38:15

im just in constant fear and anxiety and unable to act..but i will in morning i promise. i cant put my friend thru this

WafflyVersatile Tue 03-Sep-13 00:43:52

Well if the police were begging you to take out an injunction then you should be confident that they will support you in taking one out now and enforcing it.

It seems a bit harsh that your friends and family are having a go at you but I can also understand that this is impacting greatly on their lives too and that it must be frustrating for them.

I hope you get some sleep.

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 01:21:06

thank you. i'm too terrified . it might be too late re my best friend. i can't sleep in this state. i hope they will support me now and not lecture me too much. i had reasons for not doing it before and they knew i ws scared

BasilBabyEater Tue 03-Sep-13 12:49:07

Sweetheart, you need a new best friend.

Someone who will support you and not blame you for someone else's behaviour.

I hope you're OK today.

YoniMatopoeia Tue 03-Sep-13 12:53:23

How are you doing today OP?

You really sound in need of rl support. Please please contact WA and the dv unit at the police.

YoniMatopoeia Tue 03-Sep-13 12:55:15

We will be here for online support as well of course.

If you were my rl friend I would not be blaming you for any of this, but would be trying to help in any way that I could.

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 17:43:26

i'm really not well, i think stress and anxiety, and still waiting for police so it's been a long day! ultimatum has def has been served by friends... 'do this or lose us'. I don't actually know what the police will do. I can't make them! but i have to show i'm trying. but it's starting to make me feel reallylow.. im so 'by association' with my ex . its so unfair. I left him, why don't people get it... i don't make him do these things, and i LEFT for a very good reason...his abuse.

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 17:59:25

i've really, really had enough. A friend of mine who is a former alcoholic read me the riot act today..that i keep saying sorry for or justifying my ex. I'm not responsible for what he does. I left but i wasn't responsible when i was with him. Drink is responsible for what he does. I have no control over what he does to others. but if i say that to my best mate she'll say i'm passing the buck. she expects me to grovel. but he's my EX and there's a reason he is. I'm so worn out and not sleeping at all. and really bad stomach. I AM sorry he's upset and harrassed her, i really am . but i didnt cause it. She said ive lost one person and i'll lose everyone else inc her if i dont sort this. I'm sick of being the whipping boy. Im a decent human being who stood by him until his threats got too much. he never was my responsibility! i wouldnt go to her if an ex of hers hassled me! but if i say this i'll sound realy selfish. i may have to lose a friend over this :-( i can't cope, im exhausted..fighting so many battles. thanks to him ive not even worked since start of feb,.and i've never not worked

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 18:00:58

I go to Al Anon and it helps some but there's no practical advice. you're not allowed to ask for or give advice and guidance. its all about sharing. i feel less alone but there's no real support there

WilsonFrickett Tue 03-Sep-13 18:13:20

I wonder if your friend is giving you an ultimatum because she doesn't understand why you've not gone to the police? Maybe she wants to shock you into taking action? It doesn't excuse her behaviour of course, but if she's also being targeted I can understand why she is lashing out. Of course, she could go to the police herself but it's probably easier in all sorts of ways to lean on you until you do it. sad

WilsonFrickett Tue 03-Sep-13 18:14:54

What I'm trying to say there ^^ is that perhaps your ex is the one behind your friend's behaviour - it's down to him - and maybe when the dust settles you and friend can sort things out?

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 18:39:35

she didn't understand why i didnt go the police in the past, but i had my reasons and not the strength. i dont blame her.. but there's many others i keep having to justify to.. as he does the poor poor me act.. they just see what they want to see. He works in music so many just accept alcoholism. but no one else is abusive and vicious like he is! and people rely on him for contacts.. so im often seen as the baddy for not accepting his drinking. i accepted the drinking..hes not actually heavy.. i can't accept being told everyday that he wants me to die, or he's going to arrange someone to rape me.. or his threats, stalking, bullying, not letting me sleep..

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 18:40:23

no one saw what went on behind closed doors. he was a functioning alcoholic. not now..he's starting to unravel in public

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 18:44:58

i'm actually really torn and confused. as half the people i know think i'm too harsh (as they dont know the truth)and he's ill and should be excused/pitied..the other half think i'm not harsh enough and shouldve stuck the boot up his arse six months ago and i have to constantly justify why i haven't , and apologise for it

BasilBabyEater Tue 03-Sep-13 19:55:03

I think you should tell your "best friend" that she needs to go to the police if he is making threats to her.

If she's not willing to do that, why the hell does she think she has the right to pressurise you?

HerrenaHarridan Tue 03-Sep-13 20:04:47

Hi it's all too much.

I remember you posts from when you first split and in sorry to hear that you fears were so thoroughly justified sad

You need to ditch this friend, she is not the sort of person you need in your life.

In response to your op I would say rarely but yes.
This Facebook lie spreading is a modern day version of the smear campaign that follows then end of many relationships. I have found that the best way to deal with ex going around saying nasty things about you is to refuse to engage or defend yourself. Your true friends can see from his smear campaign and your dignified silence who the arse is.

That's not to say it's actually wrong for you to speak out, it isn't and if it helps do it but beat in mind
A) it just feeds his fire by getting a response from you
B) it feeds the gossip mill
C) it gives people the option to really thrash out your private life and take sides

Can you get out if your parents house, their attitude is distinctly unhelpful?

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 20:14:25

hmmm FB is both a blessing and a curse. Herrena, i'm holding out for them going away soon for a month. I will really make the most of that month for peace and doing what i want, I will use it to my advantage (and i need to be here to look after the pets anyway). After that.. i need to get out. My mum is ill with stress from all this and my dad is a bully. It's that simple.

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 20:15:17

My mum and I are both ill.. i should say. she's very sheltered and can't handle anything..not that she deserves this. but i went backto him before, to protect them and because of lack of support

WafflyVersatile Tue 03-Sep-13 20:29:36

Can you call the police again. When they come I would give them your friend's (and others) addresses so they can visit them to get statements of threats he's made to them. Then they can't say you are doing nothing.

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 20:34:09

it's gone 830 ive been in all day and missed my weekly counselling session. no sign of police no call and they said 8 at latest..i've waited since 130. this is why so many people don't pursue things

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 20:34:32

all the other addresses are far from here.. but i can give numbers

GetYourSocksOff Wed 04-Sep-13 10:38:08

Right my lovely, how are you getting on?

Have you spoken to the police?

Do you have your own income? Can you start looking for somewhere to live away from your parents?

'Friends' who do not support you through this are not friends. Ignore them and begin by taking steps to take care of yourself. You need an injunction (call the police again if you haven't heard) and you need somewhere to live without negativity.

Keep posting and be strong x

OctopusPete8 Wed 04-Sep-13 10:58:02

Hmm, what is he threatening to expose? things you've told him that they thought were confidential?

you should have dealt with this before but can't change time, and you are a victim too.

I would ring the police first thing tommorrow or better go down? and report all of it.

You're friends shouldn't blame you, he is abusive but maybe if my above is accurate a coimbination of running your mouth and this tirade of threats has pushed them over the edge.

Your parents sound vile, no wonder you end up in a bad rel, tbh keep strong and break the cycle, I would if you can look at another place to live could you bring it up with your DV worker?

slug Wed 04-Sep-13 11:16:42

I don't Facebook for this very reason (stalkerish ex) I'd be tempted to add a status "Consulting a solicitor about libel" or "Beginning injunction proceedings" or "Talking to the Police about harassment". For fun you could rotate them.

It's a bit flippant I know, but why on earth should you be ashamed of escaping violence and abuse? You are standing up to him by refusing to take the crap any more.

OctopusPete8 Wed 04-Sep-13 11:21:48

silence enables abuse, while graphic details is crass and innapropriate on the web and believe me ppl will be rolling their eyes and see what a nutter he is.

Its okay to stand up for yourself.

alltoomuchrightnow Wed 04-Sep-13 12:15:33

the police didn't come, i rang 101 again, they were too busy :-( so it could be today..or tomorrow..sigh.. i can't wait in for two more days.. i don't know what to do. Getyoursocksoff, I lost my job in February when i left my ex the first time . That was in the town where he lives, i couldn't afford to stay there. I was in limbo period for a while after returning to him in April but still spending time here at my parents. I've not been well enough to work nor had a fixed address.I'm back at my parents now but not for long term. I don't think i could cope with paid work as my insomnia's far worse. I go many nights without sleeping a second, anxiety and panic attacks are worse at night. I usually work in retail management so i couldn't cope with being on my feet all day with no sleep. I'm going to look into voluntary work until i get a new address and hopefully then sleeping patterns will come back. I don't have any income or savings now.. i'm on ESA

alltoomuchrightnow Wed 04-Sep-13 12:16:06

so at the moment..completely reliable on my parents..and they know it

OctopusPete8 Wed 04-Sep-13 15:52:48

What is he threatening to expose, I'm interested as to this power! he has over all of you.

alltoomuchrightnow Wed 04-Sep-13 17:33:34

Octopus, if he has info on people..very private personal or would be harmful stuff. Doing it to me..it's now starting to wash over my head. People can believe what they want. But others..it really affects. I've lost friends from this. People who are very very private and can't handle his threats of undoing them publicly. My ex will mudsling publicly. Ive been dumped because of this, last week. It all kicked off again today (and yes..still waiting for police) the man who dumped me over this hated my ex for what he'd done to him (very personal stuff exposed on Facebook to several hundred mutual friends) However..this man is now believing my ex as to lies about me and wondering if my ex was justified at all.. it's totally hideous and making me ill. I realise ive had a lucky escape from this new guy if he can actually believe the person that hurt him so badly (ie my ex) but it really hurts and i'm just so bloody angry. Ex is a sociopath. There are many close to me, who do listen to his lies and start to doubt me, or merely excuse my ex as 'he's a very sick man'. I'm worn out always trying to defend myself or his behaviour..i want it tattooed on my forehead 'i am not with him ' !! Going to Al Anon helps as i know he is powerless to alcohol and therefore so am i..so i know i couldnt have done anything different when with him. But he's still 'attacking'me, or attacking others to hurt me.

alltoomuchrightnow Wed 04-Sep-13 18:10:53

The boyfriend-who-almost-was (ie the one my ex scared off); by now believing my ex's lies and doubting me..is he an enabler? abusive himself? or just, very weak?

HerrenaHarridan Wed 04-Sep-13 19:33:37

He's a sheep and an idiot.

I can't Bellevue the police still have come.

Is there any way you can raise a deposit and got private rent and just get the duck away?

My Abusive XH did exactly this. I kept my head down and said absolutely nothing. Dd not even refer to it. It went on for over a year. The last time we were in court re the DDs I gave screen shots to the judge. He said it was an offence and wrote a court order banning him from doing it again.

Your best friend is NOT a good friend to you. Lose her. You don't need crap like that.

alltoomuchrightnow Wed 04-Sep-13 20:11:17

police didnt come . if they dont come tomorrow i dont know what i'll do. im away on friday for weekend as i need to get away to friends for weekend away from all this madness

alltoomuchrightnow Wed 04-Sep-13 20:11:51

i wish i could Herrena but no. and im housesitting for a month soon. after that i need to really push for getting out of here

alltoomuchrightnow Wed 04-Sep-13 20:12:48

there is one thing worse than the abuse. and its not being believed. so, this new bloke now doubts me. I had a lucky escape there but i'm so angry and hurt

GetYourSocksOff Wed 04-Sep-13 22:56:20

Angry is good. Use it to fuel change. You need to be really strong, don't think too much about new relationships for now (or even old, useless ones), just focus on getting this dickhead out of your life and yourself to a place where you can relax and call home.

Get down to citizens advice and find out what you are eligible for in terms of housing and benefits. You don't need to be living with your parents, if you start now you may be able to get something organised for when you finish house sitting. Definitely get back into a daytime routine. Get back into work of some description. Keep calling the police until they see you. Ignore your ex but keep a record of everything (including documenting phone calls from him or relevant calls from friends). And plenty of fresh air. Eat well. For now, you need to focus on you.

alltoomuchrightnow Wed 04-Sep-13 23:04:59

thank you GetYourSocksOff. today was a real struggle. I will ring police again in the morning.
I am so angry this almost new man doubts me and wonders if my ex had any justification for the abuse. Im so offended and so furious. I was falling for someone who could now feel like this! There can never be justification for what he put me through. And im not an angel..just a normal human with flaws..but i was loving , tolerant and supportive and took all the abuse. I never got him arrested.. i stood by him. I knew he was a sick man. But i know i shouldnt have stayed and taken it..but i was kept by fear.
The anger is helping me to cut ties from this new one. I don't want anything to do with him ever again. He questioned my past,and doubted my integrity, with a mutual friend of his and my ex. He actually bases things he knows about my abusive relationship, on who i am now and trying to see if stories match up etc. I find that very offensive and abusive in itself. It still hurts though. I can't just cut off feelings but the anger overrides everything else.
My ex has been quiet today but of course i don't trust that either.

alltoomuchrightnow Wed 04-Sep-13 23:05:58

why do men do this? victim blame? think the woman could be somehow to blame or somehow asked for it? i can't get over this.

alltoomuchrightnow Wed 04-Sep-13 23:10:36

to the point where he had to ask their mutual friend to 'back up' my story or give his version of the relationship i had with that evil man. And the friend gave his version..which of course..are the lies my ex fed him. This friend never saw the real abuse! He saw my ex's happy jolly smiley side, 'oh she's a liar and making it all up..of course she's not being abused.and i'm in control of my drinking.'.. that side.
I think this is way way harder for me than what my ex did , as i dont care about him, and he is ill. but for this new man to grill this friend about my relationship to try and catch me out or find flaws. Im so angry and i cant do anything about it. I can't make people believe. I know i shouldnt care about those who dont , but i do. i'm so shocked. I feel like i now have to give a 'character reference' to everyone.. never should i have to justify myself or why the abuse happened! why is my integrity in question?
I can't handle this. having 50 mins counselling at womens centre isnt enough. How can i feel empowered again and release this anger and know i was not to blame in any way? im exhausted always having to justify..my self respect is gone..

scallopsrgreat Wed 04-Sep-13 23:26:24

I agree with GetYourSocksOff your focus needs to be on yourself at the moment not other relationships. What you say of this new man could be abusive behaviour. Your radar for spotting that may be a bit off (I don't mean that horribly btw, just that it could be understandable given the messages you are receiving from family and friends). nameequality mentioned the Freedom Programme which could be good for you when this is over or less fraught.

Blaming the victim is all part of taking the focus off men's behaviour. It is also effective in keeping women within abusive relationships, prevents them reporting abuse and generally helps to keep women in their place hmm. It is a silencing technique, basically. Just like your friends were trying to silence you when you were speaking out. If women are silenced society doesn't have to do anything about it. Look at the furore when women do speak out - as in the Jimmy Savil case for example. Lots of people victim blaming there. Plenty of people trying to shut women up. Thankfully more and more women are coming forward. Abuse is beginning to look systemic shock.

Good luck with the police tomorrow. It is dreadful that they have done nothing since you reported it. And you are right. It is just another reason why women don't report. They fear not getting treated seriously.

alltoomuchrightnow Wed 04-Sep-13 23:36:20

It just makes me so utterly angry. It's such an insult to injury. As if the abuse wasn't enough.. you are then questioned, let down... open to further abuse... i will google Freedom Programme as not heard of it

GetYourSocksOff Thu 05-Sep-13 08:53:54

OP I think it's really, really important that you move your focus away from those who have hurt you. I don't mean that the feelings will go away, but you need to stop thinking only about the hurt and anger and start thinking about the steps you need to take next.

'New man' was not new man. He was another step on the road to your freedom. Count your lucky stars that you found out so early on that he is no good for you.

I wonder if you need to make a GP appt? You've gone through so much, it's normal (and healthy!) to be hurt and angry and anxious and a million other things. But you also sound as if you feel a little hopeless and the fact that you're not sleeping properly either makes me wonder if you might be becoming depressed to some degree? If so, it will make things much easier for you to tackle if you can get that treated too. They might also arrange more counselling for you or at least something to help you sleep so that you can start thinking about work again.

Make a plan for today - you cannot spend every day waiting in for the police. Could you aim to get to CAB and the docs today? Or call the police and arrange to go down there yourself?

I'm rooting for you grin

alltoomuchrightnow Thu 05-Sep-13 11:46:22

GetYourSocksOff, I'm on anti depressants but I don't feel they're working right now, but then again it's normal I feel this upset right now. It would be strange if i wasn't. I was on v low dose a/d's but they got doubled in Feb when i left him the first time. I had about 2 months of side effects before they kicked in.. i'm really not sure of again upping the dose , I would feel like 'he's won' (ie ex) and again i'm stuck with the side effects. I did get some Valium the other week but they honestly did nothing for me. They made no difference whatsover, so I stopped. I do agree I need to go back to doctors though. Going to Al Anon and 50 mins a week counselling at the Women's Centre isn't enough right now.
I hear what you say about move my focus away from those who hurt me. I need to rebuild my life but it's so hard when i'm crippled by feelings of pain and betrayal. Yesterday that guy said to me 'well you weren't entirely blameless' as if he was implying i deserved some of the abuse! I can't get over that.
I can't bear the injustice and sense of betrayal.I dont know how to release my anger and pain

alltoomuchrightnow Thu 05-Sep-13 11:46:58

im going away tomorrow for a few days and it will mean away from computer, phone, facebook etc... i'm sure it will help

SoWhatSoWhatSoWhat Thu 05-Sep-13 13:11:07

Yes, it is sickening to be only half-believed (at best) about being abused and you are quite right, it can be the worst thing about being abused. It can even be a cause for someone ending up with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. And it can be very hard to find 'friends' in RL who will listen, as I've found as well! Thank goodness there is a resource like MN, where you can come and get some reassurance and sensible advice.

alltoomuchrightnow Thu 05-Sep-13 13:15:42

i think i do have PTSD. im crying constantly and shaking and cant eat/sleep. my support comes from MN and Facebook , usually from friends far away, or people i havent met. which im blessed with..but i dont have it so much in real life and i find the isolation tough. I just want to be believed. i can't believe that mutual friends will often take his side and believe his lies.. and turn the other cheek.

alltoomuchrightnow Thu 05-Sep-13 14:42:47

Both my ex fiance, and this 'new' guy, were both left by their exs, for women. In my ex's case.. his wife. In new guy's case..it was only May, and it was a week before his wedding. I'm just wondering if both these men have some weird bond now, of misogyny (ex fiance is very homophobic, new guy isn't though, he hates that ) despite new guy not liking my ex..but has definitely fallen for some of his bullshit

GetYourSocksOff Thu 05-Sep-13 15:32:41

How bizarre! It could have something to do with it, if they each know it happened to the other.

You poor thing, I'm sending you a big cyber hug. I wish you had more support in RL but you can do it, you can get yourself out of this. And when you're in a better place yourself, you'll gradually start to find better people, too. It does sound like you need to get back to the docs, it doesn't sound like they've got the medication quite right yet.

GetYourSocksOff Thu 05-Sep-13 15:34:27

PS getting the care you need has nothing to do with your ex 'winning'. It's taking the steps you need to be strong again without him in your life. That's a big win for you x

alltoomuchrightnow Thu 05-Sep-13 15:44:38

Both my ex and 'new guy' were friendly acquaintances i guess you could call them. Ex was supportive to him when his marriage got called off this year, and he thought they'd 'bond' over having lesbian exs. hmm When i started seeing new guy.. ex didnt have proof but suspected, and did something to him. Now NG despises my ex..but also ironically thinks ex might have had a point/ good reason to drink, be so abusive etc..even accused me of having wound my ex up to have done what he did (no, i refuse to talk to him..i'm scared of him!) NG is lashing out as he's so hurt by what my ex has done to him..i'm getting the brunt..he takes it out on me not my ex.. like i said, he grilled a mutual friend of his and my ex's to find out more about mine and ex's relationship...totally inappropriate and disloyal. I was put under the microscope eg 'well you werent entirely blameless' etc.. and that maybe i'd pushed my ex into the abuse somehow. No.. my ex did the same to his ex wife, she fled to a refuge and got a restaining order. Since i've left, my ex has been harrassing several women, not just me. My ex may have had the odd few dry years (very few) but he's been an alcoholic since his teens..i was a small child then..in no way am i ever responsible. He was a journalist and hung out with the likes of Ozzy etc..it went with the territory. I am not taking the blame anymore

alltoomuchrightnow Thu 05-Sep-13 15:46:51

Please someone talk me out of sending a nasty email to new guy! I wrote it (not sent) to try and make myself feel better, my counseller told me to write stuff down. I don't see the point if i don't send it and get my point across. I can't bear injustice. How dare new guy think i deserved the living hell i went through, in some way. This very same guy who said he loved me only last week.
I know what you'll say..let it go..he's not worth it.. why do i care what he thinks anymore..but i can't bear lies and injustice after all i've been through . I know if i send it it will just spark off more crap though

alltoomuchrightnow Thu 05-Sep-13 15:48:43

but i have been warned by a few friends.. if i go back to docs.. and they ask the usual stuff..have i thought about self harm or suicide... if i say yes, i'll be sectioned (?) and then it will be on my record for life. I have thought about those things, yes, but i won't do them..i can't do it to my parents. What do i say..that i'm ill and feel i'm cracking up, but not suicidal? (even though i feel it at times)

TheFallenNinja Thu 05-Sep-13 15:52:58

Disengage. Your playing his game by his rules, the pen may well be mightier than the sword but don't play his game and he's just a tool ranting about an ex.

alltoomuchrightnow Thu 05-Sep-13 16:10:02

i meant, email to the new guy for letting me down/ betraying me/ doubting. He doesn't rant about his ex.. My ex fiance rants about his though! and me!

SoWhatSoWhatSoWhat Thu 05-Sep-13 16:19:22

Don't let worries about what might end up on your health record prevent you from seeking medical help. Your doc will not think you are 'mad' for getting upset over a nasty and messy relationship breakup with an abuser. You generally have to be very mentally ill (like, having serious delusions/hallucinations!) to be 'sectioned' these days - anyone worrying about, or having an abusive partner threatening them with 'being locked up' should remember the mental health service is chronically underfunded and they don't have the beds! (And even if someone does need to be taken in for their own safety, they'll be kicked out at the earliest opportunity for the same reason).

Perhaps your doc could try you on an AD like venlafaxine - tried that one? - which has an anti-anxiety component in it, and a perhaps a prescription for a week's worth of effective benzodiazepine type sleeping pills (not addictive as long as you only take them for short periods) would be good as a temporary measure, so you can get some restorative sleep.

No, don't send the email at the moment. It does help to write things down (I do it) but it generally hasn't been very helpful if I've actually sent things on while in a state of stress. Wait until you are calmer (and have had a night's sleep) before you decide what to do about it.

alltoomuchrightnow Thu 05-Sep-13 16:27:23

it's Venlafaxine i'm on. They dont like giving me sleeping pills as i was addicted to Zopiclone in the 90s (long story, but doc's fault). Valium didnt work and ihave tried Temezpan. (however it's spelt). It definitely doesn't help me sleep, but does make me feel a lot calmer so if i'm not sleeping i'm lying there awake but not so panicky. I can rest while awake if that makes sense

SoWhatSoWhatSoWhat Thu 05-Sep-13 17:29:11

OK perhaps Mirtazapine (AD with a slight sedative - you take it at night and it helps you sleep as well). Or a mixture of Mirtazapine and Venlafaxine (finally did the trick for my anxious mum). Even though you have a history of benzo addiction, you know the dangers now, so your doc might still give you a short course. I got addicted once as well (yes, thanks to a crap doctor too!), but my present doc is still willing to give me a few a month in case of anxiety attacks, as they're being prescribed on a sensible basis now and we all know what we're doing.

I asked my doc what we would do if I ever needed a letter from them to get a job and all this would be on my record, and he said "SoWhat, we think work is great therapy, and it's the best thing for our patients to be in employment. Don't worry.. come and see me, and we'll write a letter together, in a way that won't harm your job prospects."

As for your pain at not being believed, I must say you are coming over as being very believable on this thread. Your friends and the NG who don't believe you are probably immature, or have led sheltered or limited lives (like being lucky enough to have the one lovely partner all their life and don't know anything else) or are still too young to have a wider experience of life, or lack imagination and empathy, or are arrogant ("well, it's never happened to me/he's never behaved like that towards me, so you must be making it up"). Charming. Makes you feel like bloody slapping them, doesn't it?

I'm not sure how old you are - I was 29 at the time of my little crisis, and although I thought I was quite an experienced adult, looking back, I can see now that I and my friends from that time weren't really, and young people can be very hard on each other just because they haven't been around for long enough to discover that not everything is black and white.

Funnily enough, in the end, it was the best thing that could have happened to me. Because I couldn't bear to not be believed and had lost all respect for the unbelievers, I moved away from the area (so no more reminders/triggers) and in my new town I met a lovely bunch of new friends - and DH!

Unfortunately I have to go now because DH wants his laptop back, I'll be keeping up with your thread, and wish you all the very best. The Unbelievers around you are just stupid buggers, and you ain't gonna let them ruin the rest of your life, are you?

alltoomuchrightnow Thu 05-Sep-13 17:36:26

SoWhat.. very embarrassingly, I'm early 40s but feel about 12 right now, in the immaturity stakes,especially being back at my childhood home. new guy is a few years younger, and has a had a sheltered/ trauma free life, until this year when he was dumped for a woman just before his wedding (if anyone recognises me or him in real life, please keep this in confidence). Before her, he only had one serious partner and that was very long term.

SoWhatSoWhatSoWhat Sat 07-Sep-13 14:33:37

Rootling around, here's someone with a similar problem to yours (abusive partner, gulliable friends): www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/dec/16/left-abusive-boyfriend-mariella-frostrup

DON'T take any notice of Mariella Frostrup's ridiculous advice (she practically tells the poor woman she's being a drama queen); I only found this article because it was linked to by an article I was reading about how crap some Agony Aunts are.

Instead, scroll down and read (most) of the comments below the article, who strongly disagree with Mariella's attitude and offer more useful advice; most of them are quite helpful (apart from the odd twerp).

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