If you could give ONE piece of advice to your daughter, what would it be?

(106 Posts)
kickassangel Thu 08-Aug-13 00:05:46

If for some reason (e.g. this is your dying piece of wisdom) you could say just one thing to your daughter/niece etc, what would it be?

I am torn between 'never let a man talk over/down to you, your voice is just as valid and should be heard' and 'NEVER let anyone touch you in a way you don't like, except for medical necessity. If that happens, scream like fuck then run for it for fight like a demon'.

Really can't make up my mind. The first one more likely to be used (several times a day, maybe) but the second one could be life saving.

Any other thoughts?

stylenadlife Thu 08-Aug-13 00:06:31

Become a lesbian

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou Thu 08-Aug-13 00:07:28

I think if you did the first one then you wouldn't need to be told to do the second one.

Never depend on anyone financially.

recall Thu 08-Aug-13 00:17:23

Never be dependant on a man financially, or to provide contraception.

Live your own life.

YoniBottsBumgina Thu 08-Aug-13 00:20:39

When you're thinking "But he's not that bad", stop. Not that bad isn't good enough.

RonaldMcDonald Thu 08-Aug-13 00:23:27

Find out who you are and what you like

YoniBottsBumgina Thu 08-Aug-13 00:23:43

Depressing that these are all about men BTW grin FWIW I would give the same advice to my son. Nobody needs to be in a relationship which is "not that bad". It's just not that important to be with someone unless you are fucking awesome together.

Rules Thu 08-Aug-13 00:24:01

That you are perfect and gorgeous just the way you are.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 08-Aug-13 00:24:44

Be your own mountain.

Never let anyone make you feel you are worth less than them.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 08-Aug-13 00:34:13

Yes, but the question was only about daughters.

My answer would apply equally to my son.

Would give the same advice to DS.

Longdistance Thu 08-Aug-13 00:36:10

Never give up your career for any man.

BOF Thu 08-Aug-13 00:36:41

I'd tell her to have confidence in her abilities, and understand that most people are bluffing anyway.

kickassangel Thu 08-Aug-13 03:27:43

Always be financially independent. I like that one.

SoYo Thu 08-Aug-13 03:41:42

My DF always said to me "never marry a man because you need him, marry him because you want him". He wouldn't let me leave home until I could change a plug, hang wallpaper, put up a shelf, change a car tyre and oil etc, change fuses and competently build a flat pack. He's a good man and it was good advice.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 08-Aug-13 03:55:23

You're not mad, you're not unreasonable, you're not paranoid and you're not a failure: you're a woman in a man's world, and the odds really are stacked against you.

Nandocushion Brazil Thu 08-Aug-13 05:14:26

Don't have children. sad

noisytoys Thu 08-Aug-13 06:03:46

I would tell her if she wanted the best for her children, she can't settle for second best for herself. Her children aren't going to achieve their best if they see her settle for second best

Terrorvision Thu 08-Aug-13 06:14:09

I like that noisytoys. Mine would be: 'Don't be afraid to make enemies' (ie, don't feel you have to be nice to everyone, including men. Be prepared to fight and to fight for respect. Some people will always hate you. The important thing is not to hate yourself')

exoticfruits Thu 08-Aug-13 06:16:50

Exactly the same as for a DS- you do not have to follow the crowd- be strong enough to do your own thing.

TwllBach Thu 08-Aug-13 06:22:52

I would be torn between 'always have an escape plan' by which I mostly mean financial independence and security. It was drummed into me by my mother.

And

If possible, learn who you are and become solid in yourself before you get in to a relationship. I lurched from one bad relationship to another from the age of 15 and they were bad because I was insecure and vulnerable and not grown up enough to understand that sometimes men are attracted to women like that. At 25 I'm finally starting to realise you need to love yourself (cliche I know) before anyone else can.. And lo and behold I have found a kind, caring dp.

Meringue33 Thu 08-Aug-13 06:29:00

You are beautiful and incredibly cool just the way you are. Don't ever feel you need to change your appearance, buy something or behave a certain way in order to be liked.

For both my dd and ds, 'respect yourselves and other people'. This encompasses physically and emotionally, everyone has a right to voice their own opinion whether you agree with it or not. If a friend or partner can't accept that then you should get someone who does.
I know it is an over used word but I like it!

rubyrubyruby Thu 08-Aug-13 06:33:54

Strange that this question is in feminist topic.

If never occurred to me to put anything telating to a man until I read the responses.

Ironic

Isthisoneleft Thu 08-Aug-13 06:44:02

You will never make everyone else happy so ensure that what you do makes you happy.

solveproblem Thu 08-Aug-13 06:49:08

Always be nice to people, but don't take shit.

chickydoo Thu 08-Aug-13 07:04:14

Love yourself! You have one life, take it by the horns and live it to the full. Do what you want to do, be who you want to be.
When you are old and look back on your life you can think " Wow! I did that, and loved it!"

TheYoniWayIsUp Thu 08-Aug-13 09:00:41

Take a chance on a good guy.

PearlyWhites Thu 08-Aug-13 09:02:43

There is great value in being a mother and running a home.

colditz Thu 08-Aug-13 09:03:37

If something makes you happy, do it, even if some men think it makes you <<gasp>> unattractive.

RippingYarns Thu 08-Aug-13 09:08:30

I'm baffled why so many responses are about relationships, personal appearance and their own children.

Would you say those things to your sons?

scallopsrgreat Thu 08-Aug-13 09:10:29

I don't think it is strange at all that the responses are about women's relationships to men. Men oppress us. Seems sensible to give advice with regards trying to live or overcome that oppression.

RippingYarns Thu 08-Aug-13 09:12:28

But on the advice front, bit difficult as DD has SN in an area that where women/girls are not easily recognised/supported. Not sure if she's going to able to live independently but my advice is if you smell bullshit, check it out.

colditz Thu 08-Aug-13 09:41:07

I do say those things to my sons.

RippingYarns Thu 08-Aug-13 09:56:32

Cold smile I bet lots of other people don't

Be financially independent, get a good education and career so that you can carry youself and your own children/animals/home whatever independently. (wishes own mother had told me this when I was young)

Caster8 Thu 08-Aug-13 10:24:24

That all people have to earn your trust.

Ulysses Thu 08-Aug-13 10:26:07

Sort out your finances. Would say the same for a son too.

post Thu 08-Aug-13 10:48:15

Nothing is more important than your happiness.

blueshoes Thu 08-Aug-13 10:49:23

"Never rely on one man financially", closely linked to "don't put yourself in a position where you and your children have to take shit from a man just because you have no options".

post Thu 08-Aug-13 10:49:43

And that's EXACTLY what I say to my sons, my sisters, my husband, myself smile

blueshoes Thu 08-Aug-13 10:51:47

I would only say mine to my daughter. My advice is gender-specific.

Pagwatch Thu 08-Aug-13 10:51:50

Find the thing you love. Then try and find a way to make it pay you a salary.
Getting up each day to do something you love is the secret of happiness.

But that's for all my dc.

Pagwatch Thu 08-Aug-13 10:53:40

(pedantic note - 'if anyone ever touches you in a way you don't like, scream etc etc' massively misunderstands grooming)

MumnGran Thu 08-Aug-13 10:54:42

Darliing DD's .... if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck ....its always going to be a duck. Whatever you do.

Pagwatch Thu 08-Aug-13 10:58:14

God yes to duck quackiness.

Never be a martyr to anyone. Compromise, sure, but don't ever be the one making all the sacrifices in any relationship - with friends, partner or children. Believe absolutely in your self-worth and your right to be just as happy and fulfilled as your partner/children.

I would say similar to my sons - about belief in their self-worth, but men are rarely called upon to be martyrs to their families, so I would probably leave that out. I would instead tell my sons to not believe that they have to live up to any artificial masculine ideal - that they are men no matter how they act/dress or if they respond emotionally and any true friend or partner would love them more, not less for being their own version of a man.

In short, in both cases it's about not letting societal ideals/pressures of what women/men should be or do dictate their lives and relationships.

runningonwillpower Thu 08-Aug-13 11:00:02

When I saw the thread, I was thinking along the lines of 'never wear two tarty garments at the same time'.

I shall go away and think more deeply.

GetStuffezd Thu 08-Aug-13 11:00:56

Make the most of every educational opportunity that comes your way.

Go to Uni to study something that interests you (and might lead to a job ?!) See the world in your twenties and have children later. Marry (or don't marry) a good man (or woman) Always remember that you're gorgeous, and that (your Mummy loves you ! Be kind and assertive.

(sorry, was that a few more than one ? (at least five at last count ?!) - all to be juggled at the same time then grin)

AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom Thu 08-Aug-13 11:18:48

I would say to always remember that I think you two are the most wonderful people in the world. Your friends and partners should make you feel like the best version of yourself, and if they don't, they shouldn't be your friends/partners.

If I was allowed more than one I would add to always have a back up plan. You can take the most amazing risks and leaps of faith if you have a back up plan. Most of them you won't need to call upon, but when you do, you'll be glad it is there.

UnstoppableCousCous Thu 08-Aug-13 11:23:04

Never speculate with more than 12% of your capital.

Branleuse Thu 08-Aug-13 11:25:12

Dont have kids, stick at school, and travel.

specialsubject Thu 08-Aug-13 11:26:22

peer pressure is for sheep. You are a person. Don't succumb to it.

that covers the girls at school who think it is clever to shoplift, the boyfriend who wants her to go further than she does and the society that may make her feel that she can't leave the house without makeup. Job done for life!

'respect yourself and others' is also brilliant.

Treat other people as you would expect them to treat you. And have high expectations of how well you should be treated.

daytoday Thu 08-Aug-13 11:52:19

If he's not treating you right at 25 he's certainly not going to be treating you better at 35.

Or

Don't wait to be invited - make your own life.

Scruffey Thu 08-Aug-13 12:05:16

Do not spend too much time obsessing over hair/makeup/clothes. Most women have no idea how lovely they are without all this shite. It will save time, money and sanity.

LynetteScavo England Thu 08-Aug-13 12:08:51

Never be afraid to have a go. You probably can do it. And if you can't, try again.

(I hope I'm getting this through to her anyway)

I'd say, Live your life to the full - you've only got one.

This may be influenced by the personality of DD1, who is both intelligent and beautiful (yeah, I know, I'm her mum!), but she does not take the initiative - something I hope she will grow out of.

curlew Thu 08-Aug-13 12:25:31

If everyone around you doesn't like him, there's probably a good reason.

meditrina Thu 08-Aug-13 12:26:21

Being persuasive is usually more important than just being right; think about the impact you have on the world and make sure it's the one you want.

And a second thought: always know why you are choosing the things you choose; even a shallow reason is OK, as long as you know what it is.

rindercella Thu 08-Aug-13 12:29:20

I would say to my daughters to make the most of their education. It will leave them well equipped for the future.

fluzle Thu 08-Aug-13 12:41:42

When my oldest daughter was born, I wrote in my journal that I hoped for her that she'd always know her own worth, that she would look for the best in every situation and be optimistic that life will be good, and that she would remember to be kind. She's only four still, but I think I'll hope for the same for her at any age.

kickassangel Thu 08-Aug-13 12:42:31

I think some of these are because of things that have happened in our lives. Like I was told so much not to make a fuss or be assertive or speak up for myself etc. so guess what? There was the boyfriend who didn't hear when I said no, the boss who blanked out anything I said in meetings etc.

It would be great if women didn't have a whole load of extra challenges to face in life, but they often do, so how do we prepare them for that?

My parents would be shocked and horrified at the idea of me lvivng alone without a man, convinced that I must be lonely and sad, struggling to cope etc. it never occurred to them that I should be financially independent.

So based on my past, I would expect dd to grow up able to voice her opinions, and take care of herself.

Sadly, I have already heard her say she'll have a husband to look after her when she's older, which is NOT a message she gets at home, but something that she has picked up elsewhere, so I want to tell her to take care of herself, not rely on a man.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Thu 08-Aug-13 15:06:54

I gave this advice to another relative the other day and I think it's pretty valuable, even if it is a quote from Aunt Eller in "Oklahoma":

"I don't say I'm no better than anybody else, but I'll be darned if I ain't just as good."

In other words, don't be an arrogant arse and remember that everyone else has feelings just like you do, but walk tall and know you are equal with anyone.

GibberTheMonkey Thu 08-Aug-13 15:10:41

Work hard and get a good education

It would help in so many way, would give confidence, opportunities, teach to think for herself, ability to support herself...

Same as Shannaratiger, my advice for DD and all three DSs is to respect yourself and those around you.
We have a poster on the wall which shows that all of our house rules come down to respect: for yourself, for others, for the community & for the planet.

namechangeforthispost864269 Thu 08-Aug-13 15:18:46

The best piece of advice i ever got was from my mum who told me if you wait for the 'right' time to do anything you'll never do anything.
I will tell all my dc the same

I will tell her that she is responsible for her own financial, physical, social, spiritual and mental well-being, (until she has children). She is responsible for her own mistakes too. She should not take on responsibility for any one else's well-being, nor should she expect others to take responsibility for hers.

But her family will be there for her whilst she learns how to be responsible for herself and will help her fix any mistakes she makes.

CoolStoryBro Thu 08-Aug-13 15:29:47

Sheesh! Some of these are really negative, especially on page one!! I'd hate to think my dying words to my DD were to give her relationship advice, based purely on my own regrets. But then, she's only 10, so it's a little premature.

Mine would be be true to yourself and know that you are very loved for being exactly who you are. Although, I'd use more words and less clichés in the actual conversation.

VenusRising Thu 08-Aug-13 15:37:32

Meditate every day.
Everything will fall into place smile

grimbletart Thu 08-Aug-13 16:33:24

Remember to laugh.

OddSockMonster Thu 08-Aug-13 16:49:59

Probably the same as I tell my sons - be kind, don't hit, and no armpit-farts at the dinner table.

Josie314 Thu 08-Aug-13 16:57:08

Speak up for yourself, in all situations. You will earn more respect and get what you want a lot more often than by keeping quiet.

GibberTheMonkey Thu 08-Aug-13 22:14:23

Threebee
That poster sounds interesting. Is it home made or can you tell me where I might get one please

It was homemade: we sat down together and we all came up with ideas, then grouped them under different headings:

Respect ourselves.
Respect others.
Respect our community.
Respect the planet.
Respect our home.
Respect God (I realise that this last one wouldn't be relevant to all families!).

Then I made it into a sort of mindmap in different colours using a well-known home publishing software application.

williaminajetfighter Thu 08-Aug-13 22:23:25

Mine would honestly be: try to enjoy yourself!! And work wise, follow your bliss.

I come from a long line of miseryguts and people who could turn a sunny day into a rain cloud. I hope to god my lovely DD doesn't end up cynical and joyless like them. Enjoying yourself sometimes needs to be a conscious effort!

Icedink Fri 09-Aug-13 00:35:09

My advice would be the same to my ds - do what makes you happy and know that you deserve it.

Patosshades Fri 09-Aug-13 01:27:25

Do what you want, life is too short.

AlpacaLunchYoubringyourbooster Fri 09-Aug-13 07:57:20

You cannot change others, you can only change yourself

LeBFG Fri 09-Aug-13 13:12:03

Stand up and be counted.

The world is full of shits that you have to learn to manage.

Learn to listen to your own inner voice and trust what it says.

Other stuff too, I can't think of at the moment

lainiekazan Fri 09-Aug-13 13:25:22

Don't leave it too late to have children. If a man says he's not ready, you can be quite certain that he'll be ready the minute he dumps you for someone with ovaries ten years younger. (Not me, but this has happened to numerous women I know.)

blueshoes Fri 09-Aug-13 13:30:47

Agree, Lainie.

If you are in your thirties and want children, don't waste time on men who are not ready. Just leave and find a new (better, more committed) one. Plenty of fish in the sea.

Coffeenowplease Fri 09-Aug-13 21:16:27

Your body is yours. No one can touch it without your permission. Not a doctor, not a priest, not your boyfriend, not a police officer no one.Ever.

Tabby1963 Sat 10-Aug-13 18:41:55

don't diet, it will make you fat and food obsessed.

Loopytiles Sun 11-Aug-13 13:44:12

At this moment (dd small), mine would definitely be around relationships, as I and many of the women I know have struggled, staying with boys/men who were not treating them well for far too long.

Wanting dd to treat others well is a given, so wouldn't need to say it. I'd want to say something to counteract the pressure to put men first, work at it rather than leave.

Some kind of combination of annielobesder's - don't be the one making much more effort and sacrifices - in any relationship. if you're unhappy or the way someone is treating you in a way you (or close friends or family) think is bad, leaving is probably best, and the oklahoma and walks like a duck ones!

Also agree with the one about being responsible for yourself (and not others, DC excepted!)

BasilBabyEater Sun 11-Aug-13 15:50:46

It's OK to be single. In fact, it's probably better. grin

Blistory Sun 11-Aug-13 15:52:57

Don't engage with trolls, either in real life or online.

How I wish my mother had taught me that one.

Lesley1980 Wed 14-Aug-13 10:10:57

'never let a man talk over/down to you, your voice is just as valid and should be heard'

Women can talk over & down to other women too. Surely it should be never let anyone talk over/down to you.

Remotecontrolduck Wed 14-Aug-13 10:20:18

Do what truly makes you happy, and don't worry what other people think. Most likely they're not thinking anything at all, and the few that are, aren't worth your time!

CaptChaos United States Wed 14-Aug-13 11:57:10

I don't have a DD, but I would tell my DS's and my DN's to remember that love is not a finite resource and that it should be classed as a verb as well as a noun. Love for your fellow person, love for the planet and love for yourself should be bottomless and active.

I believe that from such love comes respect, and following on from respect comes everything else.

I am a bit sappy like that hmm

Dervel Thu 15-Aug-13 02:24:06

If you want to know wether a man is right for you just do this: Ignore utterly what he says, but pay every attention to what he does. A man's true nature is shown in his actions more than his words.

soundevenfruity Thu 15-Aug-13 02:38:23

Marry and have children early.

Kiwiinkits Thu 15-Aug-13 03:12:50

Was just about to write exactly what Dervel just wrote. Pay attention to people's actions, their words mean diddly squat. And, my dad's advice, "Don't do anything you wouldn't be happy to have splashed across the front page of the paper" (basically, keep your dignity and your integrity).

Kiwiinkits Thu 15-Aug-13 03:15:31

Would give the same advice to my sons, if I had them.
Advice that would be particular to my DD's would include telling them that their body is a fantastic piece of marvellous machinery that allows them to do all of the things they ever dream of doing. Respect your body but your body doesn't define your worth - it is a tool for you to use to define your worth doing COOL STUFF.

coffeenow are you my DM?

I was going to give the advice of my DM, "your body is the only thing that really belongs to you. You get to make all the decisions about it."

And my DF's, "so, if any man touches you without permission or bullies you physically, kick him really hard in the bollocks."

mirai Thu 15-Aug-13 04:26:09

Don't worry about the people who don't turn up to your parties (/wedding). Don't give them a second thought! Instead just focus on the friends who did turn up and make sure they have a good time.

So true, probably the only piece of useful advice my mum has ever given me!

mirai Thu 15-Aug-13 04:27:35

soundevenfruity: Marry and have children early.

Sounds good but it's not always as simple as that is it!!

exoticfruits Thu 15-Aug-13 07:44:36

Mine would be don't marry and have children early!

CiscoKid Thu 15-Aug-13 09:06:23

Do not believe in any -isms hook, line and sinker. You should understand the issue before you leap to an answer. Think for yourself.

Peachyjustpeachy Thu 15-Aug-13 09:19:46

Don't start trouble,but always finish it.

This is in relation to bullying specifically....but works well in other situations.

AllDirections Thu 15-Aug-13 09:20:19

You can say no to anyone at any time about anything (well almost) and generally without explanation.

DontActuallyLikePrunes Thu 15-Aug-13 09:22:28

That however strong you think you are, if you let your guard down, society is organised so that you as a female will be worse off. Be hyper-aware of this at all times and from as early an age as you can be.

How many younger women think the big battles have been won...it's lovely to stay at home for a few years while the little ones are little...It'll be fun to have a little job that fits around DH's Far More Important job...etc.

ithaka Thu 15-Aug-13 09:24:01

Trust your instincts. Just that - it is my biggest regret that I didn't.

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