Joint account, am I being too sensitive

(66 Posts)
catabouttown Mon 08-Jul-13 12:54:46

Hi there, I have recently opened a joint account with DP, I handle all our household finances and budget, i set up the account so I was the main applicant and he the second applicant...

But every time we get a letter about it, it is addressed to Mr DP and Ms I am listed as the main applicant on all our documentation I assume It is just their default option to list the man first, and its driving me potty!!

Background, I have always been adamant that I will keep my name on marriage and one of the reasons for this is how I remember my mum getting letters from banks addressed to either Mrs Husbands initials and last name, or Mr and Mrs husbands initials and last name. From a very early age I used to see these letters and feel offended that she was addressed by her husbands initials rather than her own! Like she was married and therefore her own name didn't matter I am seen as a militant feminist by some people for only wanting to receive letters addressed in my name hmm

Anyway, I know it is in my name so not so bad but I am still feeling irked that DP is being addressed first despite him never having been listed first in any of our correspondence with them. I want to contact the bank and ask them why this is, but don't know if that's a bit over the top??

HappyDoll Mon 08-Jul-13 12:55:53

Nope. That pisses me off too. Just proves we still have a long way to go.

catabouttown Mon 08-Jul-13 13:01:00

Exactly, it would seem like the most logical default option for their computer systems would be that whoever was the main applicant was listed first, it seems like they would have had to go out of their way to put the male applicant as the default, it makes my blood boil! Glad I'm not the only one!

Eyesunderarock Mon 08-Jul-13 13:06:03

Same for ours, it is a default, a hang-over from traditional letter writing practices.
We have friends that get mail for Dr and Mr X as a Dr ranks higher than a Mr according to the rules. smile

HappyDoll Mon 08-Jul-13 13:07:52

Also,I just don't open mail with his name first, his name is all I see when I glance at the envelope. Like you, I do all the home admin so he ends up opening it and giving it to me. Ridiculous.
What I don't understand is that if you want to be really neanderthal about it and presume a 'traditional' set up of man at work while woman runs the house, shouldn't all joint housey communication therefore be sent directly to the woman? Sending it to him means that it's one extra working day before it gets read because it's not opened until he returns from work...sometimes that can be days if he's away.

SoTiredAgain Mon 08-Jul-13 13:08:30

Oh this really pisses me off too (and my DP, but for a different reason). I applied for house insurance and asked that DP to able to access the account so that if there are any problems, he can ring up on my behalf. So what happens? We get renewal letter in his name! It's like I don't exist.

It's the same with council tax. I pay for that but it's in joint names and his name is always before mine.

HappyDoll Mon 08-Jul-13 13:09:53

sets about getting a Ph.D

eurozammo Mon 08-Jul-13 13:10:33

Same for us. The name on our account is [me] and [him] but the post is addressed the other way around. It is really quite irritating as that was actually my account for about 7 years before we made it the joint one.

ToffeePenny Mon 08-Jul-13 13:38:34

Do you think your name would have magically appeared second if you opened the joint account with a woman with your OH's surname?

You are being too generous in thinking that there is some sort of default treatment here. There isn't. Either someone had to manually input your details and chose to put you second or someone wrote (and authorised) system code to make you second. Nice huh?

I suspect you feel complaining is petty because after all, the letters get to you anyway. It isn't petty. Up until 1955 black people could take the same bus as white people to the same destination. Surely the fact that they sat at the back to do so, i.e. in 'second' place, was petty too?

Don't ring to 'ask'. Call them up and make them change it back.

On a more practical note if you are the one managing the joint finances there will come a time when you will need to correct a bill and the company (usually one of the amenities ones) will insist on speaking to your other half, not you, because their system will only take the name listed first as the payee, and that was him.

MyHumpsMyLovelyBabyBumps Mon 08-Jul-13 14:22:07

We use a warehouse club for shopping.

We set it up in Dh's name with me also having a card which I always leave at home or lose so even when I am on my own I have to use dh's card with his name.

I just received a card in the mail with a list of all their savings "I need for my growing family". Moisturizing cream for me, diapers, wipes, detergent and lady shavers and diet bars. Addressed only to me.

fanjobiscuits Mon 08-Jul-13 14:25:05

I would be just as annoyed. It's not an alphabetical thing though, is it?

HappyDoll Mon 08-Jul-13 14:30:20

I've just realised I don't even appear on our council tax bill even though I pay it and it is reduced because I am a full time student. So they accept I live here, but only want to communicate with him.

FossilMum Mon 08-Jul-13 14:41:40

Good God are they still doing that?! I was teed off when it happened to me 25 years ago.

FasterStronger Mon 08-Jul-13 14:43:47

I put Ms and my name first on the new account form and came back as Miss and as the second account holder.

I had to get them to reissue the cards as Ms FS.

0/10 Nationwide.

acrabadabra Mon 08-Jul-13 14:44:09

I was about to suggest that it's alphabetical. Mr comes before mrs. Dr comes before them both.

Need to find someone married to a Reverend to see how that works.

alarkaspree Mon 08-Jul-13 14:49:29

When dh and I applied for our first joint mortgage account we filled out the paperwork and they changed my name from Ms Myname to Mrs DHname on all their documentation. Damn you, Woolwich.

GoshlyoHeavens Mon 08-Jul-13 15:13:53

I don't like it. It's a bunch of crap. They do it with mortgages for 'legal' reasons which also seem to be crap if you listen to people who've ever tried to challenge it.

Takver Mon 08-Jul-13 15:14:14

That's crap, FasterStronger - it shouldn't be automatic either, because I'm with Nationwide & everything we do comes addressed to me. (Good thing to since DH never opens bank letters even if they are addressed to him personally about his individual account.)

Having said that I was a bit shamefaced when I rang up and ranted at the Organic Growers Association for sending out a renewal to DH for our membership and then afterwards realised I paid last time with his personal Paypal account as it had ££s in it & that's why he got it blush

FasterStronger Mon 08-Jul-13 16:12:35

Takver - I hoped it was a decision by the person keying the data rather than company wide.

oh dear on the Organic renewal... that the price of being the household financial manager!

fanjobiscuits Mon 08-Jul-13 16:28:56

Alarkaspree that is so annoying. My relatives do this which is one thing but a bank is quite another!

DuelingFanjo Mon 08-Jul-13 16:35:28

YANBU... as soon as I opened a joint account (In my married name) with my DH (we had been given joint cheques at our wedding) Halifax changed MY mortgage acount into my married name!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's always pissed me off. My house is in MY name and his flat is in HIS. Though we live together the mortgage is my mortgage not his and payments go from my Natwest bank account to the mortgage account using my maiden name. I haven't changed anything into my married name (bank/passport/driving stuff) so it's really annoying that Halifax just changed my mortgage account into my married name without even consulting me.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tribpot Mon 08-Jul-13 16:40:36

It's not acceptable or appropriate. I don't seem to have come across this happening (inc on my mortgage, I can't see how 'for legal reasons' they could make me use my DH's surname). But I guess we don't tend to get that much paper correspondence so it's not always easy to tell. Our Council Tax bill is definitely in my name first, I've just checked.

nostress Mon 08-Jul-13 17:07:10

This annoys me too. Mortgage/bank account etc. We had two kids before we got married and they have my surname. When we get emails from school it says "to parent 'his surname'" grr.
We have a joint bank account and obviously his name first on everything mr x & ms y. When they want to do an account review they call and ask to speak to him even though he doesnt have anything with it. When I was at a review and they found out we were now married they asked if I wanted to be called mrs. I said absolutey not mrs y is my mother! Anyhow the fooking twonks did it anyway and changed it to mrs y ...grrrr. I've just graduated and now have a PhD so i popped in to ask them to change my cards etc to dr y. They said they needed proof. Hmmm just like the proof they need when i got married? Ceremony is tomorrow so i will pop into the bank on my way home to shove the certificate somewhere appropriate..

LRDLearningKnigaBook Mon 08-Jul-13 17:17:31

This could actually matter quite a lot, so do get it changed.

If you are meant to be the first-named account holder, you need to be that. You'd have no proof you'd intended it that way around later on, if you didn't correct this.

I expect often it doesn't matter, but I have heard that it sometimes does. I know we put DH first on ours because the immigration people told us it was better for his application for citizenship - I've no idea what else it might affect but I would suspect there will be things.

FWIW I had an almighty row with my bank who said it was illegal for me not to change my name hmm, so we ended up leaving that bank.

LRDLearningKnigaBook Mon 08-Jul-13 17:18:12

On a separate note, I did get some eye-rolling when I got another bank to change my title from 'Mrs LRDName' to 'MsLRDName', but it mattered to me!

catabouttown Mon 08-Jul-13 18:18:56

toffeepenny the computer programme is exactly what I was thinking when I said the default option, and you're right that it was obviously written that way by someone and that is wrong, but I suppose I'm thinking that if that is he case I am unlikely to succeed in getting it changed if I call up, nobody will know how.

I feel it's unlikely that it is just because the letters are addressed in alphabetical order by title, that just seems like a bizarre way of doing things, if they were going to do it alphabetically it surely would make more sense to be alphabetical by your name, I think it's probably from traditional letter writing practices, we definitely need to find a reverend to test this!

However, I hadn't thought about the practical implications like DP needing to be the person they speak to about to about the account, for that reason alone I need to speak to someone about it.

It is just so frustrating that the various circumstances mentioned still happen and when you confront companies about it, you get treated like you are being unreasonable and it doesn't matter, but it does, it is all part of the many instances like this that supposedly don't matter that together make women second class citizens!

milktraylady Mon 08-Jul-13 19:54:44

OP are you in Scotland?
Did you know joint bank accounts there follow "joint and several liability"?
Meaning if there is debt they will pursue you both for all the money. Even if you can prove it wasn't your debts.

English law is not like that.

And yes I did find that out the hard way.

Obviously not assuming you will split from OH, but just in case. It's good to know your rights <bitter>

milktraylady Mon 08-Jul-13 19:55:07

Bitter, me?

tribpot Mon 08-Jul-13 19:58:42

The computer system probably does have the concept of first account holder and second account holder. I think it is staggeringly unlikely that it does not allow the end user to choose which customer is first and which second. You won't know til you call, though - ask them to switch you over. If they say 'computer says no', you get on Twitter and you tell @EverydaySexism.

And then the software can be changed. If only society were quite so easy grin

MsPickle Mon 08-Jul-13 20:11:41

If they've changed your title it's worth going in and making them go through each screen of info checking it.

I'm married. I changed my name (liked it!) and decided I would use Ms Married Name. This caused chaos.

It took Halifax three goes to issue me a new card with the right title (I got cross and wouldn't let it go). Eventually I had it so thought all was sorted.

About a year later I was asked if I'd like to review accounts (aaaah, the days when there was enough going through to make me a sales target...). I did. I speed read.

I discovered that the reason my title was changed was that, although they had a copy of my marriage cert on file someone had typed IN A FREE TEXT BOX 'divorced'

I went batshit and went through all else. Discovered lots of random things including that I was, apparently, a zookeeper.

I've only been to the zoo a few times and famously can't remember any animal names.

The City branch person who was looking at me in my suit, taking notes knew it was going downhill from there!


(Also learnt they hadn't moved me to the higher interest account I'd requested so owed me money, which to be fair they coughed up, along with some goodwill compensation and a nice case of wine).

This story may well have outed me as I was so cross I told everyone!!confused

catabouttown Mon 08-Jul-13 20:45:34

No we're not in Scotland but even so the linking of our credit and financial personas has been putting me off getting a joint account for years...long term relationship, 2 children but this feels like the biggest step we've taken grin and now it's driving me mad!

I will update on what they say when I call, some of the stories on here are completely laughable, looks like I am in for even more fun when we get married and I boggle minds by refusing to become Mrs DP's name! DP is completely happy with this but some of his friends have actually got seriously pissed off and argued with me about it! One told him to refuse to wear a wedding ring if I didn't change my name, what the crap is that about? I said I didn't care if he didn't want to wear a ring but I wouldn't be marrying someone who tried to blackmail me like that!

I had an account with First Direct before I met DH. When we moved in together we turned it into a joint account for bills and whatnot. Not only did this turn the addressing into 'Mr Him & Ms Me', but the visible address through the envelope window was just 'Mr Him'. Not even a joint account where I'm first or even just equal account holder, but MY account converted to joint. Grr. The first of two reasons we left them, despite everyone saying their customer service was SO wonderful.

Barclays, meanwhile, just interpreted a request to change Ms Myname Middlename Surname into Ms Myname Surname Marriedname as a request to become Mrs Myname Middlename Surname-Marriedname. And the NHS still think I'm double-barrelled.

nerofiend Tue 16-Jul-13 10:23:17

Until women as a whole refuse to change their names upon marriage, this practice and many others are not going to change.

But this seems something so difficult to change in this society. Most women I know use their husband's name as a badge of honour, or something like that. I honestly don't understand it. Of all the women I know in my family and friends, I'm the only one who didn't change her name.

In other countries, like Spain and Argentina, most women don't use their husbands' names anymore. And these societies are perceived as much more patriarchal than this one in theory.

It's not the bank's fault. It's women who have to say enough and enough and do something about it.

Woodhead Tue 16-Jul-13 10:36:16

Outdated practice might not be the bank's "fault" per se, but it's current default coding is very much it's own responsibility.

Individual women need to call institutions on these practices rather than letting them lie, but the OP is doing just that and hopefully her details will be changed to reflect first applicant asap.

Even if women collectively all kept their own names, the bank default could still use Mr before Ms (/Mrs/Miss) if it's set up that way and people don't complain.

Any update OP?

vesuvia Tue 16-Jul-13 15:51:12

MsPickle wrote - "decided I would use Ms Married Name. This caused chaos. I discovered that the reason my title was changed was that, although they had a copy of my marriage cert on file someone had typed IN A FREE TEXT BOX 'divorced'"

I had a similar negative experience. The people who do this are making lazy, prejudiced assumptions about a woman based on some myth that they believe to be true, which they never bother to question. They could not make an equivalent prejudiced assumption about a man.

I wonder who it was who started the stupid rumour that Ms means divorced? It doesn't mean divorced! In the same way as Mr. The whole point of Ms is that society should not be able to know the woman's marital status, a privacy that men are granted automatically, but somehow many people ignore the real meaning of Ms and assign whatever marital status they feel like giving the woman. When is a man assumed to be divorced just because his title is Mr? I say never. Perhaps some divorced women use Ms as a title but that doesn't mean all women who use Ms should be assumed to be divorced. Many divorced women use Miss or Mrs.

Many people are uncomfortable using Ms as a title either for themselves or when addressing a woman. We get that question, "is Ms pronounced 'mss' or 'mzz'?" (because it's so difficult to say, allegedly). I've never had a problem pronouncing Ms because it's easy to remember: it's pronounced "mizz", as in "mind your own bizzness".

Many staff trainers and senior managers believe that Ms means divorced and nothing else, because they just take a myth they've been told as gospel, so I think there is little hope of the more junior front-line staff always getting it right anytime soon.

Despite their job being to maximise company value for shareholders, CEOs appear happy for company resources to be spent correcting customer titles and customer contact priority, rather than ensuring titles and names are entered into systems correctly at account opening.

In June 2013, 97% of FTSE 100 CEOs were men, so their bank and utility customer details will not be adversely affected by assumptions of their marital status or assumed subservience in their personal relationships. Would these men take it seriously if they regularly received letters from their bank and electricity company in which they were treated as a person of less importance in their supposedly joint account, such as "Ms CEOWifesSurname and Master CEOWifesSurname"?

Anniegetyourgun Tue 16-Jul-13 21:24:37

I've told this one before, but I got a nasty turn a while back when I had a letter from BT about some package offer or something, for my telephone, addressed to XH at my address. I rang them up and said wtf is he giving you my address for? Not only have we been divorced for x years, he has never lived here (thank God). Nice young man on phone explained it was because XH was shown as the second contact on my account. OK, so, what the heck was he doing there, as when we divorced he got custody of the existing BT account and I had to open a new one? (The phone was in his name, although I had always paid the bills.) And as a side issue, why did they address the offer to the second contact instead of the first contact? Nice young man said er, I'll get his name taken off, but was unable to answer the second question. Not that I needed him to, I know the answer angry

Erato Tue 16-Jul-13 21:49:36

I'm so glad (kind of, in a 'here we are suffering together' kind of way) this happens to other people. I thought it was me being paranoid, as DH's surname is alphabetically before my surname.

Yet I'm the primary account holder of our bank account and he's listed first when we get letters. And I'm the major shareholder in our company yet marketing mail gets sent to him and not to me (as he's also a director). Makes me cross.

And the other day I had to correct my maternity notes as they'd assumed that as I was Ms Firstname Maidenname that I wasn't married - that could actually have quite serious consequences as DH has legal rights as my husband re my medical care that he wouldn't have as my partner. They didn't even bother asking me.

Woodhead Wed 17-Jul-13 11:57:10

My DHs first and surnames are after mine in the alphabet.

My title is before his in the alphabet.

We recently bought a "joint" life membership; I wanted it, he wasn't bothered, and I thought joint would be nicer than single. I paid.
We told them explicitly on joining that I was to be correspondant; my name was first on the paperwork.

Guess who the post comes addressed to.....

I'm still in the cycle of contacting them asking for it to be changed; they've apologised 3 times so far and assured me it's been corrected. Then the next piece of post arrives, and it's still addressed to DH.

I don't think this is paranoia

I also don't think it's "intentional" or "malicious" in terms of the people I've spoken to, but I do think there's some default computer coding which keeps autogenerating to default to male partner, and I do feel when this happens it's worth complaining for as long as it takes to get it fixed.

Kiriwawa Wed 17-Jul-13 12:13:11

My mum's experience is absolutely jaw-dropping. She went to buy a new (used) car from a dealership and took my dad.

She bought the car, it was registered in her name, paid for from her bank account. All the paperwork from the dealership came through addressed to Mr Wawa. They weren't very apologetic when she rang up to complain either

curryeater Wed 17-Jul-13 12:55:40

This drove me bonkers when I was buying financial products when pg with dd1. I wanted life assurance for me and dp, we had never owned property or anything (I now realise that I subconsciously totally believed I was going to die in childbirth and leave dp literally holding the baby and that was part of why I was so stressed trying to sort all this out)

I was trying to get a joint policy as 1. ME (applicant) and 2. HIM (my partner)

1. initial paperwork came through addressed to dp only. I didn't recognise it and nag him to open it. I didn't get anything. I was confused about why nothing was happening
2. phone calls about it came to dp, on his mobile, at work. He was asked long lists of questions he tried to answer, assuming that I know about all this and he was just doing his part. Actually he was being treated as primary applicant and being asked all the questions he had not even thought about and I had done all the research to answer
3. Finally the penny dropped about what was happening and I complained about this and asked for it to reversed so that all the letters and calls would come to me and I could make all the arrangements. I was told that this was impossible. It was implied that I was weird for not opening my partner's post if I cared about this policy so much, and it was not a problem that letters for me to deal with were addressed to someone else. (I think this was the bit that was most annoying - that they understood that I was doing all the admin, they did not seriously think that only men can research and buy financial products, but I was either expected to open all his post like a secretary, or it was a given that men open all the letters as they are the actual literate humans in the house, and then they lob them at their staff to be actioned), op but I was told that it was physically impossible for my name to go in Field A, which blew my mind - what if I were called John or my partner was a boy named Sue? Would the computer blow up? how was this impossible? There was incredible rudeness.
4. to cut a long story short I took the policy out with someone else.

This was in 2009.

Erato Wed 17-Jul-13 13:08:26

Question about this issue. Can I legally be Mr Erato even if I'm a woman? In terms of my name, I know I can start calling myself Reginald Monsterbottom if I so desire and that's all I need to do in order to name change in the UK but does the same apply to title?

daddoinghisbest Wed 17-Jul-13 13:17:23

I'd defo have a go at the bank. But on a general note... Why do women still generally take their husbands name when they marry. Just tradition I suppose, but if it was the other way round, no way would I spend my life building my identity with my own surname, to have it overwritten by my partner's name. Every time a document or account was changed, I'd feel my identity being deleted. Too extreme?

curryeater Wed 17-Jul-13 13:18:25

Really good point, Erato.
If you were two men in a civil partnership, one (or both) might change name to be Mr & Mr Erato. Or two women might be Ms & Ms Erato. Might any people of any sex decide to be Mr & Mr Erato, or Mr & Mrs (if two men?) or.... anything?

Does anyone know?

Erato Wed 17-Jul-13 13:23:17

Ooh. Have just looked up the deed poll website. Apparently there is a new title - Mx - gender non-specific. Who would like to take bets on how banks cope with that one?!?

Erato Wed 17-Jul-13 13:29:22

And deed poll UK does confirm that no documentary evidence is required to change from one gender social title eg Ms to another gender eg Mr.

But curry yes I'm interested as well to know how these antiquated computer systems would deal with a civil partnership between two people of the same gender.

LtEveDallas Wed 17-Jul-13 13:46:49

What bank is this OP?

I'm with Barclays, I've had an account with them since I was 15. When DH and I decided to get married we changed 'my' savings account into a joint savings account. The account was Mrs E Maidenname and Mr R Dallas. The letters always came addessed that way too.

After we married and I changed my name the account became Mrs E Dallas and Mr R Dallas and again thats how the letters come.

Am I just a one-off or are Barclays particularly good at this? I've had 3 different surnames with them, and God knows how many addresses, but they've never got it wrong (except when they froze my account the day after we moved to Cyprus... that was a fun week waiting for a new card!)

curryeater Wed 17-Jul-13 14:08:08

Erato, that's really interesting about Mx - do I understand correctly from your post just after that that anyone can just be Mx?
How do you say it? "Mux"?

nameequality Wed 17-Jul-13 20:58:16

This is a very interesting thread here. Am a regular but namechanged here to my twitter name as I have started a rant campaign about this sort of thing.

Erato Wed 17-Jul-13 21:11:35

UK deed poll have this to say:
^Recognised British social titles (i.e. Mr, Mrs, Miss, Ms and Mx)
When changing your name, there are no restrictions if you also wish to change your title to a recognised British social title, for example, from Mrs to Miss, Miss to Mrs or from Miss to Ms. We will also allow a change of social title for transsexuals e.g. from Mr to Miss, Miss to Mr etc. We do not need to see any documentary evidence of your entitlement to use a recognised social title. Please note, it is perfectly acceptable for a single woman to use the title Mrs.^

So anyone can use any social title they like, with no evidence needed.

They add this about Mx:
In October 2011, we introduced the title of Mx (pronounced Mix) as an option for people who do not identify themselves as either male or female and, therefore, feel a gender specific title such as Mr or Miss is inappropriate and unsuitable for them.

We are unable to guarantee that all record holders (i.e. government departments, companies and organisations that hold your personal records) will recognise your new title but we believe many will and in time all will. Initially, the problem will be record holders’ computer systems not being able to accept Mx as a title but when a significant number of people request record holders show their title as Mx a tipping point will be reached causing record holders to reprogram their systems to accommodate Mx as a title.

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Wed 17-Jul-13 21:56:14

LtEveDallas we have the same with RBS. The letters come address to Mrs H TangoFoxtrotUniform and Mr D TangoFoxtrotUniform. It was my account in my maiden name for years before I added him, and all the correspondence from the bank comes to me first and him second.

catabouttown Thu 18-Jul-13 08:04:09

Well I did contact the bank, natwest by the way, and after getting transferred to about 4 different people who basically just said 'we don't know how to change this and I don't really see what the problem is' I lodged a complaint and stated what pp have said about me needing to be the first point of contact for admim reasons etc, I was then told it would be changed but I'm not sure whether I was being fobbed off so we shall see! I was discussing the account with DP last night and also discovered that they called him 3 weeks ago to find out how he was finding the account and how the service had been setting it up etc, they haven't called me at all even though he told them on the phone that he has no idea what the service was like because it was me who handled everything! He said they seemed quite shocked that he hasn't done it confused so further confirmation that I am not being paranoid about the issue!

On the subject of women changing their names when married, I have always found it odd whenever I've had this conversation with a women who is going to/has already changed her name and she's said something like 'well I asked Fiancé about that and he said he would feel weird if I didn't change my name, so I'm changing it'! I think that's an even worse response than 'I like the tradition' or whatever, I mean it is YOUR name, it is YOUR choice, if that's what you want then fine but how on earth has it got anything to so with anyone else? When DP and I first had this discussion I told him that I wouldn't be changing my name and the only change I would consider would be if we BOTH double barrelled our names. He said that the only reason he would be bothered by that is because he would want us all to have the same name when we had children and that their was no compromising with me. Once I pointed out that a) my compromise was us both changing our names together, as i didn't actually want to do this i want to just keep my name and double barrel the children's names, and b) where is the compromise on his side if I change it? That's just him getting what he wants, he was happy with that logic and has never been bothered by it since. As I said up thread though, some of his friends have been outraged and the cats bum face his dad pulled when the penny dropped that DD has a double barrelled name was priceless grin

MissMarplesBloomers Thu 18-Jul-13 08:23:35

LtEveDallas & other military posters on do the forces address this issue if you marry while in service?

<idle curiosity while we're on the subject>

I'm still battling with Santander to get MS on my business account which I've had for over 10 fecking years but somehow the title got changed to Mr when they took over Alliance & Leicster who had no problem with it as I wished.

I don't particularly like MS but I hate being defined by my title, Miss,at 52 is too twee, I am now divorced so Mrs isn't applicable but seems to be the default, so I try Ms sigh you can feel the eye rolling when you repeat it on the phone after they say "Is that Mrs or Miss?"

Dear old First Direct on the other hand, who I have used since they started back in the 80's, changed all my cards & account names on request and have used Ms unflinchingly.

LtEveDallas Thu 18-Jul-13 10:21:29

Hi MissMarples,

When DH was still serving as well it went on rank/seniority.

At one point we were both Sgts, but we were unmarried so He was Sgt Dallas and I was Sgt Maidenname.

Then we were married and he was promoted, so it was SSgt and Sgt Dallas.

Then he left and I was promoted (twice) so we are now WO2 and Mr Dallas.

There was no need for me to change my name, and the Mil would have been happy with that. The only time there is a bit of an issue (and its very minor really) is with functions in the Mess.

Traditionally the Mess holds 'Ladies Dinner Nights' where the (male) soldier wears Mess Dress and the female (non serving) spouse wears a ball gown. This has now been changed to 'Guest Dinner Nights' to allow for male (not serving) spouses and same sex civil partnerships. My last couple of messes have grumbled when I pointed this out, but immediately changed without much fuss (DH always threatens to turn up in a dress if they dont change it - it works!)

I had this 20 years ago with TSB. I opened a joint account with my then DP, and his name was first on everything. Then when I got my PhD it changed to have my name first (e.g. Dr Chrysanthemum5 + Mr C5 partner).

I spoke to the bank who claimed it was a complete co-incidence, and nothing to do with perceived senority. I changed bank.

DH and I have two joint accounts as we made our own accounts into joint accounts iyswim. My old account still has me listed first, DH's old account has him listed first. Not sure what would happen is we opened a new joint account - maybe I should check!

Norfolknway Thu 18-Jul-13 10:32:37

Well, mine and DH's account comes as Ms. Norf and Mr. DP.

My bank is clearly a forward thinking bank of equality wink

Norfolknway Thu 18-Jul-13 10:34:09

Mine's Nationwide BTW

OldBeanbagz Thu 18-Jul-13 10:39:09

MissMarplesBloomers keep on at Santander to get it sorted. I've just opened a joint account with them and they put my name first on all the documents (as requested).

However they do still send everything out in duplicate as it's a joint account despite the fact that we're living together!

We are not married, have a joint account with the nationwide and my name is first on it.
The cheques state 'Miss F L Ibbertyjibbet and Mr A B Flibertyjibbet'

Possibly because I have had my own account with them for years so am the 'main customer'? Nothing to do at all with who earns what et.

Interesting about banks saying you HAVE to change your name, I have no intention of doing so if ever we get married, the wedding cert will be just a piece of paper to protect each other financially if anything happens to the other.

MissMarplesBloomers Thu 18-Jul-13 11:36:33

Thanks LtEve just being nosy knowing how traditional the forces are!

Love the idea of your DH turning up in a ballgown grin

OldBeanz Thanks I will.

Something else I picked up too is that when/if there are any handouts in terms of shares etc they are often given out to the first named on the account. A chum of mine lost out when Abbey National became a bank & her bastard ex snaffled the payout. (was mind divorce & she didn't pick up on it till much later)

PedantMarina Thu 18-Jul-13 16:00:37

Or, HappyDoll, you can just get yourself ordained online, and then you can go by "Rev".

OP, YANBU. Write and raise hell. Keep a copy. If we all do that, and then the bank in question starts getting in trouble for gender discrimination, we'll know what to do with it.

PedantMarina Thu 18-Jul-13 16:06:00

Goggles at LRD's now-ex bank - who the hell were these people?!?!?

PedantMarina Thu 18-Jul-13 16:11:36

No, not just "interesting", Flibberty, but downright illegal, incorrect, just plain wrong wrong wrong.

ELR Thu 18-Jul-13 16:22:02

Same here! I booked a suprise trip for me and DH to new york so I was the lead passenger but every little bit of correspondence from virgin had DH name on it and not mine it was so annoying!

LovesPeace Sat 20-Jul-13 16:32:21

Forest of Dean District Council deserve a special mention here. My ex and I (different names) used to pay council tax by each sending a cheque for half.
One day, ex receives a rebate cheque. All to him. I phone to ask why. 'Because he's the man'.

kickassangel Sun 21-Jul-13 18:23:09

Many years ago we had an account with Barclays. There was one of those 'windfall' giving out of shares - which were ALL put in his name as he was the main account holder (I honestly can't remember who opened it first, or if it was joint etc). Which meant that for 1000s of couples the MEN got the shares - worth up to several thousands, while the women got nothing.

Not ONE complaint about it that I heard of, and it was one of those 'big' banking events that hit the news.

Nowadays, I would join/start a complaint and publicity awareness campaign.

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