Eurgh, what a day!

(34 Posts)

I'm new to FWR but have been lurking since reading Caitlin Moran's How To Be A Woman. I've found it so enlightening and just reading around has really opened my eyes to the everyday sexism that seems to go on.
I work in a jewellery shop and deal with a lot of cocky blokes and can definitely hold my own but today I had a woman in with her daughter (about 8-9) we were chatting about the jewellery and she was trying things on. Her daughter was really into everything and wanted to try everything her mum had so obviously I was talking to her too, she seemed so interested in how it was all made and how silver jewellery is made

Posted before I'd got to the point sorry!
Basically she was very interested in the science behind how metal is manipulated etc so I told her the little I knew. Midway through our chat her mum cuts in and says 'oh well X is interested in so many things and she loves jewellery... Hopefully we'll find her a rich husband who will buy her all these lovely things' shock
I was so shocked that a confident, modern woman could say this about her daughter. She seemed deadly serious and all I did was stand there like a blummin fish!
How on earth do you get through the day with such narrow mindedness all around?
Sorry this is so long!

FastidiaBlueberry Sun 10-Mar-13 21:28:59

With gin at the end of it?

grin

It is a bit startling when you come across idiots like that.

Also sorry about the rambling and bad grammar/punctuation, it's been a long day!

solveproblem Sun 10-Mar-13 21:29:50

Oh dear, that's awful.

Hopefully it was a bad joke.

ScottyDoc Sun 10-Mar-13 21:30:27

Relax. I think most likely it was an offhand tongue in cheek comment. Something my mum would say as a joke basically with a serious type face on. Depends on someone's humour! No need to get so get up about it m'love. brew

kim147 Sun 10-Mar-13 21:31:58

A friend of mine last week hated her job. Decided to "find a rich man, have his baby and stay at home whilst he looks after me" - followed by a "only joking" as I looked at her.

I suppose I was so shocked because since becoming more educated about feminism I just can't believe that someone so close to my age (25) could think like that.
No gin unfortunately but I've got a brew grin

FastidiaBlueberry Sun 10-Mar-13 21:32:36

The OP isn't uptight about it, she came to the FWR section to vent.

It's belittling to tell her she's being uptight.

I suppose after a crap day my sense of humour had disappeared! She just seemed so serious!
<digs around for gin and SOH>

This was not quite how I wanted to debut on FWR, didn't mean to sound quite so uptight grin
Thanks blueberry, I certainly feel a lot better after my rant.

kim147 Sun 10-Mar-13 21:49:08

through - I know what you mean. Been on here so long and read many books so lots of things annoy me at the moment. Watching TV, adverts, reading the news and other forums make me rant.

You didn't sound uptight. Some people just spend their entire lives trying to find something to be offended by ... and this time, delightfully, they've decided to be offended by your legitimate irritation.

piprabbit Sun 10-Mar-13 21:55:56

I have a good friend who has a DS and a DD. She regularly tells me how proud she is of her DS as he is very bright and achieving well at school. She also says that her DD is stupid, but that's OK because she only needs a clever husband. Unfortunately she is not joking, that is what she truly believes.

Some women still seem to believe this stuff, and it can be shocking when it pops up out of nowhere.

FastidiaBlueberry Sun 10-Mar-13 21:56:59

No you didn't sound uptight at all.

Just stabby.

grin

No, you didn't sound stabby either, just gobsmacked.

Which I think we all feel at times.

My MIL once said to DD who is 2 that she is so pretty she'll have no trouble finding a lovely husband to look after her. I did point out that she wouldn't need a husband because she has a brain she can use herself.

AllDirections Sun 10-Mar-13 22:00:42

piprabbit just shock

Wow piprabbit that is sad. How do you even start to understand someone who thinks like that?

Schooldidi Sun 10-Mar-13 22:19:02

I have a friend who has often told us all that she is only working until she finds a husband. She's not even claiming that once she has babies she wants to be a sahm, she is planning on giving up work the minute she gets married. She's a teacher, she's an intelligent woman, she works really hard, but she's quite clear that this is not long term, it's a stop-gap til she finds a man (specifically a farmer if possible). Unfortunately for her, she's getting older every day and she never seems to even get any dates, let alone any long term prospects, I don't know how high her chances are now of finding a man willing and able to support her financially in this economic climate. She's going to be very disappointed I think.

piprabbit Sun 10-Mar-13 22:20:23

I used to try to talk to her about it. She feels she is stupid too. She is not, she is bright and funny. Now, if she starts talking about this sort of stuff, I just move the conversation along sharpish. I'm banking on her DD surprising her by excelling once she finds her niche.

Trekkie Sun 10-Mar-13 22:23:11

There is a website to date farmers I think? There was something about it on the telly.

if she thinks being married to a farmer will = no work then she really is nuts hmm People on farms work frigging hard very long hours 7 days a week often for little reward.

OP I would have been hmm FFS at that too.
Although maybe these people are simply being realistic having read the latest report on the pay gap...

Fingers crossed, I wonder her DM felt the same way too? Sounds like something she has felt for a long time. You'd think she wanted more for her DD.

SconeRhymesWithGone Sun 10-Mar-13 22:28:05

I understand why you are shocked, OP. Maybe the woman was joking, maybe not; her comment still sends the wrong kind of message to her DD. There are so many negative messages out there that disempower girls; it is especially sad when those come within the family.

Schooldidi Sun 10-Mar-13 22:41:03

So there is Trekkie - fancy that! She knows it's hard work on a farm, she's a farmer's daughter so has lived on the same farm her entire life and regularly helps out on the farm after work.

Maybe I should have paid more attention to my appearance and found myself a man with more money, it would make my finances a lot happier, but I'm not sure how my self-esteem would fare.

PromQueenWithin Sun 10-Mar-13 23:13:07

Was going to post, Scone has said what I would've said about "jokes" still being harmful to girls.

Trekkie Sun 10-Mar-13 23:43:52

schooldidi your friend confuses me!

Sounds like what she actually wants is a farm and all the hard work that comes with that, and the only way she can see of getting one is to marry someone who already has one? So quite a different scenario to marrying someone and then never working again!

TeiTetua Mon 11-Mar-13 11:36:38

What I don't understand is why Schooldidi's friend doesn't aspire to being a farmer herself, rather than marrying a man who is one. She evidently knows what it's all about.

There was a blog I used to read by a woman in New Zealand who was a dairy farmer (I think she was originally from England) and a feminist. As I recall, she had mixed experiences dealing with other people involved with agriculture, almost all of them men of course. But then she made her blog private or removed it or something, so I don't know if she's still farming.

Trekkie Mon 11-Mar-13 18:50:53

I think farms in the UK must be incredibly expensive - getting a job on one is probably doable but actually buying one would be colossally expensive I would think? In which case owning one is as much a daydream as buying a mansion or something. So from that POV I can understand it as a fantasy.

Schooldidi Mon 11-Mar-13 20:41:48

She confuses me too. She really doesn't want to be the farmer, she wants to be the farmer's wife, raising babies and looking after the menfolk who do all the hard work. Farms are incredibly expensive to buy, around here the only way you get a farm is if your family leave it to you. Their farm is going to her brother, because that's just the way it is. Even getting a job on one would be unheard of for a woman around here.

Trekkie Mon 11-Mar-13 21:09:36

It's a shame her family won't split it between her and her brother and they could work it together.

So he gets the farm and she gets to fantasise about marrying a bloke with a farm.

Depressing.

Lessthanaballpark Mon 11-Mar-13 21:10:56

OP, I understand your frustration. It's an example of how people can relate the same thing to children in a different way depending on their gender.

A young girl will show an interest in a sewing machine. People assume it's because she likes fashion. A boy does the same. People assume he likes machines.

I do silversmithing BTW and it's the power tools that I love!

Schooldidi Mon 11-Mar-13 21:24:05

It is very depressing.

TeiTetua Mon 11-Mar-13 23:31:30

It's something to be disappointed about in the whole family. But maybe for actual farm families, the idea that men are in charge of the real work could be pretty deeply ingrained. As Trekkie said, it would have been such a fine thing if the sister and brother could have taken over the farm and continued running it together; if two brothers did that, it wouldn't be much of a shock. Would they ever change their minds about that?

Schooldidi Tue 12-Mar-13 00:34:01

I don't think they would. Especially since that isn't what she wants, she wants to be a farmer's wife. That's what she's been brought up to expect out of life, it's what her big sister has done, and what she wants to do as well.

It is very deeply ingrained in farming families (around here at least, I'm not sure if it's the same everywhere) that the boys inherit the farm. I taught a boy a few years ago who was going to need a lot of support just to be able to live independently. He was inheriting the farm, over and above his two older, much more capable sisters. They were expected to 'help' him, which basically meant that they would do all the management of the farm and he would possibly manage to do a labourer's job, but he would be the one with all the legal rights over the farm and would be able to sell it out from under them at any moment. That sort of thing is very common around here.

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