Is this the kind of crap that subtly undermines women?

(80 Posts)
duchesse Tue 13-Nov-12 09:21:25

Friend and his wife are both acknowledged authorities in their (similar) fields. Both have been separately invited to speak at something. Both have same honorary title. She always uses her own surname, has never used his.

Hotel booking when they arrived was for (for example) "Dr FirstName LastName & Mrs HisFirstName HisLastName".

OxyMoron Tue 13-Nov-12 09:32:38

I don't think it subtly undermines women. I think it blatantly undermines women. I would have asked the hotel to change the names.

duchesse Tue 13-Nov-12 09:34:02

She did! But still, it makes my blood boil that they would do it in the first place.

OxyMoron Tue 13-Nov-12 09:39:19

Yep, same here. 'mrs dhname' is not a name I recognise. It certainly isn't mine and I won't have it forced on me.

anklebitersmum Tue 13-Nov-12 09:52:00

I hate this kind of 1900's attitude. My favourite examples to date are;

the tv licensing lot who, when they'd visited me in my home (one day after I'd moved in) and wrote to a ficticious MR after seeing my license to say they'd spoken to a '3rd party' at the house and there'd be no further action.
cue angry phonecall
Phoned and eventually got a written apology-that included an apology for the customer service girl refusing to speak to me because it was in MR's name! angry

and

a well known power company who wouldn't speak to me "because bills had been put in hubbys name". not quite sure how he managed that from abroad using my details and bank account though hmm

HazleNutt Tue 13-Nov-12 09:54:28

I remember the amusing post here where the OP tried to book a hotel room for her and DH, both doctors. As I remember, the hotel offered them 2 rooms, as there must be 3 people, 2 doctors and her..

Poledra Tue 13-Nov-12 10:05:22

DH and I are both Drs. I have lost count of the number of times utility companies, credit card companies etc assume that Dr <EitherSurname> is DH. Though I did enjoy the company that phoned up and asked to speak to Mr. <Mysurname>, when I could cheerfully tell them they were looking for my dad or my brother, neither of whom live at this address grin

OxyMoron Tue 13-Nov-12 10:08:22

We have the opposite. People tend to ask 'miss or mrs' in my case, to which dh or I reply 'dr'. Whereas he is assumed to be mr, so they don't ask. Often things in both our names such as tax credits are addressed to Dr & Mr.

StewieGriffinsMom Tue 13-Nov-12 10:26:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

anklebitersmum Tue 13-Nov-12 10:28:05

shock hazelnutt really?

HazleNutt Tue 13-Nov-12 10:32:08

yes, don't remember the details, but the receptionist couldn't figure out where the poster in question would be sleeping, if there are Dr Smith and Dr Smith sharing a room.

GrimmaTheNome Tue 13-Nov-12 10:37:30

tell me about it...my own mother went through a (short!) period of addressing xmas cards to us as Dr and Mrs HisInitials Nome.

Poledra Tue 13-Nov-12 10:39:16

Y'know, I've just reread the OP, and realised that not only did they downgrade her title, but they also used her husband's first and last names for her shock I am now sooo depressed and angry for her. I am not an appendage to my husband under any circumstances, and I have my own name! (This still holds true for those people who choose to use the same surname as their husband - removing their first name is an insult and control mechanism. 'I am not a number' anyone?).

Ohhhh, this drives me up the fucking wall. My parents do it all the time and my mother just smiles and says it 'doesn't matter'. Then she wonders why people are massively patronizing towards her.

A mate of mine has parents who're Dr and Mr and by all accounts, that is even more annoying.

I do find it actually very strange and a bit depressing - I'm doing a PhD so I know loads and loads of women who're also doing PhDs, or have just got them. And obviously loads of us are getting married because we're at that age.

I am the only one who hasn't changed her name.

The others include women who're quite feministy, but came up with all sorts of individually perfectly sensible reasons why changing was better (and god knows, I don't think it's some kind of feminist shibboleth), but when you see the numbers of women who're becoming 'Mrs Hisname' instead of 'Dr Myname' is is just plain depressing.

And it does give you a tingly spider-sense about their men, because more and more I'm noticing how many comments there are about 'DH really supports my PhD work but we're going to move for his job and so I won't actually finish it now' or 'DH thinks Dr Myname sounds great but if we have children it would be odd so I will be MrsHisname'.

Obviously there must be loads of wonderful men out there, but there are obviously also lots of men who are uncomfortable with their wives having a title that indicates they're more highly educated than their husbands, and loads of women who're worried being 'Dr Myname' is somehow unfeminine or not a family-friendly thing.

My MIL always addresses married couples as Mr and Mrs <His First Name/Initials> <His Surname>, even if the woman in the couple hasn't taken the man's surname.

In fact, even if she sends something only addressed to the woman, it is Mrs <His First Name/Initials> <His Surname>.

I have taken my DH's surname, but I have asked her countless times not to address me as 'Mrs <DH's Name> <Our Surname>, and she still does it.

Only last week, she mailed me a magazine clipping she thought I'd find interesting, and it was addressed to Mrs Nathaniel Baublevilles. angry

I think I may resort to returning the next item unopened, with "not known at thsi address" on it.

summerflower Tue 13-Nov-12 12:43:29

When I petitioned XH for divorce, all he said about the document was that it said Dr Summerflower and Mr XH (an accurate reflection of our respective titles). About sums up the demise of our marriage really. His mother called out congratulations Mrs XH-name at our wedding, but I was never, ever known by that name.

I would complain if a booking was sent as in the OP, I agree that it blatantly undermines women.

summerflower Tue 13-Nov-12 12:45:34

Oh yes, my mother sent mail addressed to me as Mrs Current DH surname, even knowing that I was Dr Summerflower and had always kept my own name. She did it to be facetious though, as she totally disapproved of the marriage and she's toxic.

TheSmallClanger Tue 13-Nov-12 13:01:03

I've posted this before, but I think my then-5yo DD's reaction to finding a letter to "Mrs M Clanger" (I'm Ms K Clanger), sums up the ridiculousness of this custom: "Mummy! Mummy! Someone's sent Daddy a letter and they think he's a GIRL!"

Clanger - that is brilliant.

I must say, I'm rather proud of my 12-year old son's comments on this issue, when he heard me complaining about a previous letter MIL had sent me. He said, "in the rare cases where a man takes the woman's surname, I'm sure people don't address him as Mr <Wife's First Name> <Surname>, so why is it acceptable to address women as such?"

I think I might be something right!

GrimmaTheNome Tue 13-Nov-12 15:26:23

Tess - the hope for the future rests with attitudes like your son's. smile

TBF on my own mother, she always used Mrs HerInitials surname and cleaned up her act with us once I'd had a dig - I think we became Dr His &Dr Her Nome with no initial. Perhaps the fact it wasn't deliberate makes it worse in some ways though...(temporarily) hidebound by sexist convention.

(I took HisLastName for purely aesthetic reasons - its much nicer than my original. And I didn't have enough publications at that point for that to matter.)

GrimmaTheNome Tue 13-Nov-12 15:28:15

>Dr His &Dr Her Nome with no initial
sorry, OR with no initial

Anniegetyourgun Tue 13-Nov-12 17:50:11

I changed my surname on marriage, because I wanted to, but I didn't change my forename, because that would be weird.

wherearemysocka Tue 13-Nov-12 18:34:26

I was under the impression that traditionally speaking if you did take your husband's name then that made you Mrs Hisfirst Hislast, and that Mrs Hername Hislast was used by divorced women.

Think it's been mentioned before about how sad it is to see gravestones with Mrs Hisfirst Hislast, all she'll be remembered as is a appendage to a man.

Nope.

Waaay out of date.

Rather like the way (sadly), I am no longer 'LRD, esquire'. sad

Primrose123 Tue 13-Nov-12 18:56:00

Interesting thread.

My mother does this, she addresses things to me as Mrs <DH'sfirst and last name>. Now, admittedly, I am Mrs <DH's last name>, but I don't want to be called by his first name! I am my own person, not part of him.

In fact, I don't like our surname, and neither does he much. We've been married 17 years, and back then it was quite unusual where we live for a woman to keep her own name. I did intend to keep my maiden name in work, but some prat, who had nothing to do with it, decided to 'help' me by letting all my customers know that my name had changed to Mrs <new name>.

We have even been considering changing our, and our children's names to my maiden name. It's more unusual, but simpler, and we like it. I think my in-laws probably wouldn't like it, and it just seems so much hassle, we'll probably never do it.

GrimmaTheNome Tue 13-Nov-12 19:43:00

> was under the impression that traditionally speaking ...
yes - a misogynist tradition which shouldn't persist into the 21st century

MrsCantSayAnything Tue 13-Nov-12 19:47:14

Yanbu. I had a rant at a taxi company recently for asking "Is that Miss or Mrs?"

Wtf?

WHY do you want my marital status????? Just send me a cab you arse.

I never said that of course...I said "Er...why? My Name is X Jones...that's enough."

MrsCantSayAnything Tue 13-Nov-12 19:50:50

I don't suppose I should be annoyed when friends change their names...it's their choice after all...BUT IT'S A STUPID AND OUTDATED ALBATROSS OF A TRADITION>

[feels better]

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Tue 13-Nov-12 20:00:58

I didn't change my own name on marriage, but my DF still addresses cards to Mr and Mrs <husband's surname>, despite me having told him repeatedly he's wrong.

In my first marriage I double-barrelled our surnames, and was surprised at how annoyed XMIL and other relatives were that I hadn't just changed mine to his.

ErikNorseman Tue 13-Nov-12 20:06:54

LRD can women not keep the Dr title if they change their surname? Or are they actually choosing not to use Dr???

LeeCoakley Tue 13-Nov-12 20:07:55

Imagine how Princess Michael of Kent feels....

They're choosing not to use Dr.

Someone on here said that, technically, you're only entitled to use 'Dr' in the name you got your degree in, and if you change names, you must notify someone offically. But I expect that only matters for medical doctors where it would be important to know you're a real doctor - I've never heard anyone querying it in real life.

So I think what's happening with my lot is almost that they feel they have to do something symbolic to show they're really feminine and care about their husbands, like changing their names, to make up for being 'Dr so-and-so'.

ErikNorseman Tue 13-Nov-12 20:16:31

Dickheads

You know, I also don't understand why women feel the need to have the same surname as their DCs. I don't, I decided to give him his dad's name for (IMO) very valid reasons, and it bothers me not one bit. He's still my son!

I can understand people having all sorts of reasons for wanting to take their partner's name, in theory ... I think my issue is, when it's everyone you know, it suddenly becomes clear there's something going on, if that makes sense.

wherearemysocka Tue 13-Nov-12 20:36:05

Totally agree it's mysogynist crap - that's why I said it was sad that women weren't even given their own names on their graves - just wife of.... But it persists, hence Princess Michael of Kent.

I get around the Miss/Mrs thing by shrugging and saying 'whichever'. In my experience it's wrongfooted them a little bit, which I hope might make them think that it really isn't relevant!

wherearemysocka Tue 13-Nov-12 20:36:42

Sorry, should learn to spell misogynist on the feminism board of all places!

blueshoes Tue 13-Nov-12 20:41:16

I did not change my name on getting married. When I get formal invitations addressed to Mr and Mrs Dhlastname, it always gives me a little thrill.

How very quaint to be the leetle wifeypoo.

But, I think whereare that even the poncey etiquette manuals have now decided it's out of date? I forget why I think this, not being one to consult Debrett's, but I think it's right.

Certainly I've seen more people warning against using 'Mrs Hisname' as rude, than people insisting it is 'good etiquette'. And after all, what is etiquette except a set of rules for making people comfortable?

wherearemysocka Tue 13-Nov-12 21:25:30

You're probably right. I just remembered threads around Christmas time last year when people complained that their cards were addressed Mr and Mrs HisFirst HisLast and others were adamant that it was correct.

Personally I think my friends should be grateful to get a Christmas card from me that doesn't arrive at some point in the new year.

Leithlurker Wed 14-Nov-12 00:35:12

I take it they booked independently of each other? Or that she booked but gave her husbands name first? I am pretty sure that any time I have booked a room it has been put under the name of the person making the booking. I doubt that any one of the single female travelers would be down as Mr and Mrs, so it seems that they will make a none sexist booking if they are possession of the name of the the person making the booking.

It is also the case that in order to secure a booking many hotels require a credit card, and the booking will be under the credit card holders name unless specifically told otherwise. Even then becouse the credit card is often requested at the check in phase, if the partner who makes the booking is not the partner in who's name the credit card is registered may just find it easier to go with the credit card holders name first.

Only saying that if a conspiracy exists it is not located at hotel level but at a much deeper level, credit card and software developers to begin with.

sashh Wed 14-Nov-12 05:40:01

I think my in-laws probably wouldn't like it, and it just seems so much hassle, we'll probably never do it.

Not much hassle, just start using it, it will be fine.

I don't follow leith - you mean women don't tend to use credit cards, or don't put their titles on them? confused

I grant you're probably right that the hotel isn't the only player in this and it's probably a combination of social factors.

where - yep, mine too! grin

GrimmaTheNome Wed 14-Nov-12 08:46:13

I think leith meant that if one of the pair had made the booking it would be Mr & Mrs <WhicheverCreditCard>. If the man had made the booking giving no other information than 'my wife' this would be entirely reasonable (or vv if the wife had made the booking) -

But the implication was that the hotel had the information that there were two names. There must be lots of differently-named couples checking into hotels nowadays - the era of Mr&Mrs Smithwinkwink are long gone. So it's hard to believe the hotel booking system wouldn't have had room for the data if they were provided.

Leithlurker Wed 14-Nov-12 08:53:43

Exactly Grimma, much better explained than my post. BTW I am not saying I think this is not an issue it fits with a pattern of treating women still as the lesser important person in a couple, it is disrespectful, and yes sexist.

My problem with the example we were given by the op was too short of information to then pile in with assumptions that this had been a deliberate act of sexism.

HazleNutt Wed 14-Nov-12 08:55:30

I've complained about this before - even if I make the booking, the hotels often don't care. I'm a very special-platinum-whatever member of a certain hotel's loyalty club, as I travel a lot. DH is not. I make the booking, through my club account. I pay, with my credit card. Put DH down as additional guest.
We get to the hotel, there's the usual fruit basket and letter from the manager: Dear DH, thank you for choosing to stay with us again..

Sigh..

I don't think it would be entirely reasonable. I'll hold out hope they might not have assumed all married women are 'Mrs'!

I get what you're saying, though, if he just said 'for my wife and me' they might put it in the same name and they might have his title from his card.

It's still crap, IMO. If they need a name, they should ask for one.

I suspect from what the OP says that this isn't what happened, as she mentioned that both of the couple had been invited to speak under their own names at an event - surely that info is only relevant if we're to understand that the event organizers made the booking?

GrimmaTheNome Wed 14-Nov-12 09:04:44

I doubt it was deliberate sexism on the part of the person making the booking - just unthinking institutional sexism which is in many ways worse. It is unlikely to be that the software couldn't cope with two different names. I assume that a gay couple would be able to book as Mr A and Mr B or Ms A and Ms B so there is no reason why this shouldn't be booked as Dr A and Dr B.

<title> <booker> plus additional guest would (IMO) have been acceptable if there was one booker and the system didn't allow for two names.

Leithlurker Wed 14-Nov-12 09:05:33

Or even if it was the woman who made the booking LRD, she would most probably said Mr and Mrs as it is the "norm" which I realise is what this is all about. However we are all to some extent corrupted by the social norms of the society we are brought up in. I entirely accept that if being asked to speak as part of the programme the organisers had made the booking then they too should shoulder some of the conspiracy. Hotel though do not particularly give a stuff if you are speaking at an event and will probably not know that any way, so your only a "bum in bed" as it were to them.

GrimmaTheNome Wed 14-Nov-12 09:11:24

If I was this couple, just for the hell of it I'd make sure I always made bookings from now on as Dr <womansLastName> and Dr <mansLastName> and see how often this transmuted to Dr <womansName> and Mr <womansName> and see what reaction they got when they complained...I would imagine some grovelling...then point out that this is exactly what happens too often the other way round.

But very little sexism is 'deliberate', is it? I think that is the point.

What else are we to say?

Does anyone honestly think this was 'deliberate' sexism in the sense of someone thinking 'ho, ho, I know, I'm going to humiliate this woman by demoting her title and using her husband's name'?

I don't see how you could get that impression.

I doubt, frankly, that the woman the OP describes 'probably said Mr and Mrs'. If she had, why would the OP write this? And why would she mention the OP uses a different title from Mrs?

I don't use 'Mrs' and I certainly don't decide to do so just in order to make hotel bookings.

I think you're reading a huge amount into this in order to deny there's an issue, frankly. You have to read against the OP to get your conclusions.

Leithlurker Wed 14-Nov-12 09:28:25

Not sure since in my posts I was being generally supportive of your view LRD, where that attack comes from, or why you felt it useful to restate something I made clear up thread, namely that we are too short of information from the op to draw any seriouse conclusions as to the motivation for the slight against the status of op's friend.

My point which again you remake for me is that instead of this being a deliberate act by some hotel clark, we have a deeper more problematic issue. My reading against the op is in fact partly true, not to deny anything but to prevent lazy assumptions and to offer alternative sources of the problem. You seem to have me down as some kind of f4j type. Whatever.

It just seems to me that a lot of older people can't cope with anyone deviating from the accepted Mrs Dhsurname format. My mum is completely accepting in theory of the fact that I still use Ms Ownsurname but she can't seem to write it on an envelope unless it is only to me (eg a birthday card, she does get those right. Anything jointly addressed she puts myfirstname and hisfirstname hissurname, saying that it isn't technically wrong, I find it very annoying that she can be bothered with his surname but not mine. If it is to save time she could drop the firstnames and use initials.

leith - sorry if it felt like an attack. I felt your comment was a bit of a put-down to the whole thread, TBH.

It just feels depressing when someone insists on twisting even a fairly obviously sexist situation and saying it can't be sexist, and the situation must be different from what the OP posted. sad

I don't get it.

ZombieOnABicycle Wed 14-Nov-12 09:35:09

I had a weird one when on a business trip with my male colleague. I called up to book two rooms, one for me and one for him - we'd often work together so we always took turns booking the rooms. We turned up late one Sunday evening, only to be told that 1 room had been booked for both of us in the name or Mr and Mrs His Name.

We were both in relationships, and were not impressed at having been assumed that as I was making the booking we were a couple.

After much arguing and dragging the hotel manager out of bed we eventually were given two separate rooms. I was shocked beyond belief.

And will never stay at a Novotel again as we didn't even get an apology

Leithlurker Wed 14-Nov-12 09:37:22

I accept your apology, and thank you for it. I do not know what it is you "do not get" I admitt freely that my writing style can be confusing.

I don't understand why you're so keen to insist the OP's situation must be different from what she says or why you think it's important to insist it mustn't be 'deliberate sexism'.

Leithlurker Wed 14-Nov-12 09:55:05

You think we should just stop talking LRD as it seems for the moment we are not being particularly effective at it. For example I now do not understand why you think my "insistence" that the hotel clark did not set out to be sexist, when you said the exact same thing up thread. So it would appear that again we are both saying that sexism does happen, and that the issue lies elsewhere other than with one clark in one hotel.

If I am disputing what went on, it is because we have a third hand account of a conversation. I offered alternatives, becouse it's just to damn lazy to always assume that the only solution to everything is sexism, are scientists and people in general not supposed to analyse information? K see Im now arguing with you and that is not what I wanted as its gonna postpone me getting on with my day.

Be Well everyone, especialy you LRD

StewieGriffinsMom Wed 14-Nov-12 09:57:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

colditz Wed 14-Nov-12 10:04:03

You haven't even got a penis, frankly you're lucky they let you sleep in a bed.

Eh? No, I don't think we should stop talking and I'm sorry you find my comments ineffective. No one is forcing you to read them.

I didn't say the 'exact same thing' as you - you're misreading my posts. I am objecting to you saying 'it's not deliberate sexism' as if that's relevant, because I don't believe it is. If you disagree, fair enough, but please don't pretend I said the 'same thing' upthread when I didn't.

You're not just 'offering alternatives' - you're insisting the OP (silly woman, doesn't know what she's talking about) must be wrong. And you, who know nothing about the situation, must be right. And why? Because in your version, no-one is ever sexist and silly feminists should just shut up.

Do you not see why I might find that a tiny bit irritating and rude?

GrimmaTheNome Wed 14-Nov-12 13:34:11

<cough> I think it was me who first introduced that it was institutional rather than deliberate sexism ...which seemed relevant to me at the time.

As far as I can see everyone agrees that, and that its a worse issue... a patriarchy problem. I can't see any derailing here TBH.

I'm not trying to disagree that it's institutional sexism.

My objection is to someone constructing straw men arguments by saying 'oh, but it isn't deliberate', as if that were relevant. None of us thinks it is, do we?

To juxtapose that with an insistence that, in fact, the OP is inaccurate and some other made-up event involving no sexism at all must instead have happened, does get me wondering about the intentions behind the post.

I didn't see it as similar to you say it's institutional sexism, because you didn't follow up your comment with a claim that it also probably didn't happen.

StewieGriffinsMom Wed 14-Nov-12 19:45:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyCannyBairn Thu 15-Nov-12 06:32:59

We got a letter from our council recently regarding a house we own, it was addressed to Mr Bairn. Both of our names are on everything official. It made me rageful, flaming furious * clutches pinny tightly *. I'd owned the house for years before there was a Mr Bairn.

ChunkyPickle Thu 15-Nov-12 07:12:35

DP and I recently rented a house. I say we, but actually the rental people had only ever met, or spoken to me (DP trusts my opinion, so didn't even visit the place before we signed up).

When the paperwork arrived, it was all in his name first. I corrected it, put myself as primary contact etc.

EVERY email/letter/bill signup/important 'you must reply within 72 hours for council tax things' letter, EVERYTHING came addressed to him. Which could have been a problem since he went abroad for a month the day after we moved in (the rental agent knew this too). Luckily we freely open each other's mail so I could sort it all out - but they got more than one rather forceful email (and my relatives got a fair few rants) on the stupidity of the situation.

ChunkyPickle Thu 15-Nov-12 07:13:57

I forgot my point. Yes, it is institutional sexism I think, but that doesn't excuse in any way. I make a point of ticking Ms (or adding it if it's not there) these days, and cheerfully correcting anyone who assumes anything regarding my marital status.

OverlyWordyHurdyGurdy Thu 15-Nov-12 07:21:36

When we bought our house, I put my name first on every form (I know, I know, presumptuous!) - mortgage, insurance, everything. Every single letter that came back swapped our names round so that DH was first.

It actually used to make our mortgage advisor twitch. You could tell he felt a bit sorry for my poor hen-pecked DH. To add insult to injury, English isn't his first language, which is why I always negotiate complex forms etc. But still, rather a man with not great English than a fluent speaking woman, eh.

Tbf, his native country is even worse. I have some shockers.

AmandaCooper Thu 15-Nov-12 07:22:00

A gay male friend and a mutual female friend shared a twin room at a Premier Inn for a wedding and the hotel insisted on referring to her as Mrs HisSurname all weekend, despite them disclosing several times information about their respective personal lives that were none of the hotel's business.

duchesse Thu 15-Nov-12 09:14:15

I don't think it's at all deliberate, and actually I think that's worse, because if it's unthinking it looks a lot more like the cultural norm, which is what our children and young people are learning. It being unthinking rather than appearing crass and deliberate actually perpetuates it.

YoullScreamAboutItOneDay Thu 15-Nov-12 09:40:42

I am Mrs HisName. Unusually I guess for a feminist, I changed my name. I wanted us and any future children to share a name. We did think about double barrelling or using my name, but neither was aesthetically pleasing and I just couldn't be bothered to go further and find a whole new name - especially since I knew our families would feel that was a rejection of them.

It didn't occur to be to be Ms HisName at the time, and I might do it more in future.

I am not Mrs HisInitial Hissurname, nor am I Mrs Hisfirstname Hissurname.

And just because I made a particular choice does not mean others have. I would be furious if I had experienced what the OPs friend had. And if I had a doctorate I'd bloody use it - all the time, even amongst friends grin <far too lazy to ever have one>

Startail Thu 15-Nov-12 09:47:23

Mrs DH's name surname makes me angry

I took his surname because we married as students and it seemed easier to start adult life with minimum concussion.

We both come from traditional families and my maiden name is a pita to spell.

However, I am still me and I'm still female I'm not "mrs John Smith"

I mean I'm sure there are Johns with tits and a vagina, but I haven't met them yet.

Startail Thu 15-Nov-12 09:47:54

Confusion

duchesse Thu 15-Nov-12 09:49:55

startail smile

lollystix Thu 15-Nov-12 09:54:36

Dh has only once attended Ds2's nursery yet every bill is directed to him. I signed all the forms and am the primary person in that respect yet they did ask for father's name. On that basis they make the assumption that he pays. Pisses me off as I earn more than DH!

AmandaCooper Thu 15-Nov-12 18:09:07

you'llscreamaboutit I don't think it's unusual for a feminist.

AmandaCooper Thu 15-Nov-12 18:14:37

lollystix if he has no contract with them, tell him not to pay - and chase them for your invoice.

lollystix Thu 15-Nov-12 19:09:38

Amanda - the annoying thing is I pay it all anyway as I sort out our lives re banking and admin etc. We're in NZ and I wonder if it's a country thing? School phoned yesterday to tell me Ds1 sick and I said I'd send nanny to get him and they were shocked on the phone- didn't know I worked!

WreckOfTheBeautiful Thu 15-Nov-12 20:33:29

Argh this sort of thing winds me up more than it should! A few months ago I booked a hotel for my (male) DP and me using my name and title (Dr). When I arrived they had listed him as the primary guest and wouldn't let me sign for the key, despite the fact he wasn't arriving for a other two hours, until I kicked up an almighty fuss. I then paid for the room using my credit card with my title and my surname. And still they persisted in calling me Mrs His-surname throughout my stay and in subsequent communications. angry

goralka Thu 15-Nov-12 20:37:51

tis a proper wind-up - I remember my brother telling me I had 'no right' to call my self <Mrs. Myname> after I was married and didn't take my husband's name!
NO RIGHT TO USE MY OWN NAME!!!! (breeeethe)

jiminyCrick Thu 15-Nov-12 20:59:06

How annoying!! I can't stand this kind of crap. When me and FH got married, we BOTH changed our names by deed poll so that we both have each others surname (I still use my maiden name, but it's nice to share)

His parents just couldn't get the hang of it, and still send me post addressed to Mrs His initial His Surname. I have not become him!!

Oddly enough, my dad was explaining to my 9 year old nephew how in Italy( my family is Italian) Women don't change their names as they are equal. He came to me confused and said "but then their not family without the same name" I responded with "but why should a women take her husbands name? Is that fair?" He replied (lovely boy) "then they should both change their names, so long as they have the same name"

So there is hope for the male future!

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