Not sure whether I should be worried about my friend or not?!

[bigchanges]

My friend is a similar age to me (early 30s) and has been living with her boyfriend for a couple of years.

Recently though (last 6 months or so) she has been posting on facebook and talking about stuff like 1950s housewife manuals and books where it seems like the woman does all the domestic stuff and the men rule the roost.

I mean she has always been into crafts and home related stuff but the gender role stuff seems to have really picked up.

For example she was telling me about a 1950s housewife group she has joined and about the books she is reading. But she is stressing and anxious about all the housekeeping stuff and saying that she isn't getting enough done. They both work shifts and she is studying too so I tried to say that it isn't going to be perfectly clean as there aren't enough hours in the day.

But when I was round there the other day she had been at work from 6am and then was running about tidying up before her boyfriend got home. Saying that the washing up needed to be done before he got back.

I know it is her life and her relationship but I feel a bit worried. Maybe I am stepping over the line but it seems wrong to me that she spends all her time off doing cleaning and then beats herself up that it isn't good enough.

[SpeakNoWords]

Why do you think she's doing it? Because she's being controlled by her boyfriend?

[JenLindleyShitMom]

Any chance this is just her current hobby? There are people who do that shit for fun but they really Immerse themselves in it. Has she started wearing circle skirts?

[TinFoilMilkShake]

The difference is that the 1950s house wife had the legal and financial protection of being a wife not a girlfriend and also was a HOUSE wife. So she wasn't also working. Your friend is being an idiot if she is choosing this. If she is being controlled by her partner or coerced in to this she might need help to realise that it's abusive. And yes, I'd be concerned. There is a reason that life style went out of fashion and it's because the women wanted out of it

[NerrSnerr]

It all depends on whether she wants to do it all or is he making her do it all. If he is expecting it and being an arse then it's wrong, if it's completely here choice then it's up to her.

[AmberEars]

I would be worried too OP. I would be concerned that she was in a controlling relationship. It's very difficult for you to interfere though. My friend is married to a controlling man (similar to how you describe - house must be perfect or he gets cross with her). It makes me feel sad but they've been married for a long time so I guess it's up to her really.

[bigchanges]

She doesn't dress in a vintage style at all. I have only met her boyfriend a couple of times and he seemed ok - not really chatty.

She said he had bought her some cleaning supplies as a surprise gift. It is just odd comments that I am noticing - he likes her to make his packed lunch, likes the lounge tidy when he comes home, likes the kitchen to be clean etc.

I just don't know if he is encouraging all the housewife stuff (he is against marriage apparently) or if it really is what she wants to be doing. But she gets so worked up over it - saying that she needs to get straight home from work to catch up on her jobs before he gets in.

[LassWiTheDelicateAir]

She said he had bought her some cleaning supplies as a surprise gift

I wear circle skirts. The only acceptable "cleaning supplies" as a surprise gift would be Creme de La Mer's , Erno Laszlo's or Eve Lom's cleanser range.

[0phelia]

Christ.
Could she have OCD?

If a friend of mine started doing all like that and got overjoyed by Jif or whatever as a gift... Yeah I'd worry!

[0phelia]

*It's Cif now isn't it. Showing my age.

[0phelia]

Lass lol must say I'd accept anything from the Vitamin E range by The Bodyshop. My standards are ovbs not so high!

[bigchanges]

It was a set of duster things?!

I don't think I would worry but it seems to have taken over her life - following housewives on youtube, reading books on cleaning and perfect housewives and seeming to spend all her time cleaning - but it seems to be making her anxious. I popped round and she was stressing because she needed to hoover everywhere and there was a mark on the carpet that she couldn't get out.

[SpeakNoWords]

Can you ask her why she's recently become worried about things like this? Would she be able to answer you?

[bigchanges]

I have tried to gently ask about it a couple of times. She said one time that he likes things the way he likes them and another said that she was disappointed in herself for not being able to keep on top of the housework. Mostly she focuses on how she should be doing better with it or that it should be easy to keep everything tidy.

[BernardsarenotalwaysSaints]

It'll always be Jif to me too 0phelia

My friend does this a hobby but I can see why you're worried if it's been creeping in since she got with her partner. It's not healthy if she's obsessing over it either.

I get excited over cleaning products but don't buy many as I try not to use chemicals & because I'm cheap.

[crayfish]

God, housework as a hobby. That makes me sad.

It is a bit off tbf. My ex husband used to be a bit like this though, not trying to be a 1950s housewife obvs, but obsessed with getting the place tidying and keeping on top of his 'chores'. He did have OCD though, it certainly wasn't imposed byt me, nor would I have given him cleaning supplies as a gift. Can you ask her (gently) why the sudden interest in all things housewifey?

[crayfish]

odd not off.

[OneFlewOverTheDodosNest]

I think you can help by pointing out that the super housewives on YouTube are nearly all actual housewives and don't fit cleaning in amongst working as well. It may help her to see that she's holding herself to an unachievable standard (seriously these women do things like changing the bedding every day, it is in no way compatible with a full time job never mind studying on top)

As a side note, I'd wonder whether the focus on cleaning may be caused by anxiety as well as being a cause of it - my Aunt has obsessive tendencies and has had phases of being extremely religious, obsessively clean, fastidiously vegan etc etc because in her anxious phases she's attracted to strict rules that give her life structure. Does this sound like your friend?

[BernardsarenotalwaysSaints]

Quite crayfish but in my friends case it keeps her happy. Personally I avoid it

[GettingitwrongHauntingatnight]

I cant think of anything worse than seeing housework as a hobby.

[DramaInPyjamas]

Is is just housework? Does he control other things like what she wears/spends?
Is one of the books she has mentioned reading recently called The Surrendered Wife?

It does sound like he's sort of brainwashing her into thinking this is what she wants and needs to do to keep him happy, especially if she's stressing about the cleaning, yet continues to do it.

[DramaInPyjamas]

"But she is stressing and anxious about all the housekeeping stuff and saying that she isn't getting enough done."
*
"the washing up needed to be done before he got back."
*
"she spends all her time off doing cleaning and then beats herself up that it isn't good enough."


it doesn't sound like she's doing it for fun or its something she is entirely happy with doing tbh

[TeiTetua]

she was telling me about a 1950s housewife group she has joined

Tell me this is a joke. Oh please please do.

But hey, I can see it now, a feminist sub-group forms and subverts the larger group. Social dissent breaks out, there are demonstrations and consciousness-raising sessions, even separatist tendencies. Before you know it, there'll be 1970s women's liberation groups too. Which sounds like a lot more fun actually.

[LassWiTheDelicateAir]

I cant think of anything worse than seeing housework as a hobby

I don't like housework and I pay someone else to do it. When I do have to do it, it can be quite satisfying. I just don't want to have to do it that often. Much as I don't like I can think of plenty of bona fide hobbies I'd hate far more.

I get the point of it if you're not also having to work outside the home and if it includes cooking and baking. I really enjoy baking and I can see there would be pleasure to be had out of say properly starched linen and sparkling glass and silverware.

I would not want to live my life like the women in the link below - I could not stand not being financially independent but if it is their genuine choice it's not for me to tell them they can't.

Having said that the OP's friend seems to be getting the worst of both worlds. The women in the link below all seem to be financially comfortable, claim to be enjoying it and are appreciated.

I Want to Be Like a 50's Housewife | Group with Personal Stories, Forums and Chat
www.experienceproject.com/groups/Want-To-Be-Like-A-50s-Housewife/14995

[Doobigetta]

But she gets so worked up over it - saying that she needs to get straight home from work to catch up on her jobs before he gets in.

Or what? What happens if the jobs aren't done before he gets home? That's the worrying part.

[bigchanges]

The books she mentioned to be were total woman and fascinating womanhood.

See I don't know what happens if she doesn't clean up before he gets home.

I don't know if it is OCD? She doesn't mention germs or anything mostly just puts herself down for not having everything done perfectly and says he likes things a certain way.