So good you are out tonight

(65 Posts)
jeaux90 Sat 05-Nov-16 09:48:53

First post on this part of mn but an avid lurker. I work for a big tech company. I guess at least 80% of employees are men.

We are at a conference a specialist track within the company so maybe 300 of us there. I know a lot of the people.

We go out for a few drinks, group of 10, I'm the only woman (normal)

This younger dude who I hardly know looks me in the eye in front of the others and says "it's really good you came out tonight"

I saw red and asked him whether he thinks I prefer to stay home and knit. The other men piss themselves laughing but he then took me to one side and started an argument with me about it wasn't a sexist comment he made.

But it was right? I was gob smacked by it.

Question is ....anyone got a better retort? What should I have said or done?

growapear Sat 05-Nov-16 09:57:58

My first thought is that he fancies you.

poorbuthappy Sat 05-Nov-16 10:00:28

I would have no clue at all and would have to ask why he made that comment

Prawnofthepatriarchy Sat 05-Nov-16 10:22:06

I'm with Growapear. He fancies you. Not sexist.

KateInKorea Sat 05-Nov-16 10:23:45

Fancies you and sexist?

HmmmmBop Sat 05-Nov-16 10:25:41

How's it sexist?

user1475253854 Sat 05-Nov-16 10:26:27

Probably fancies you. It was a good comeback. What a weird thing to say in front of a group.

Gidds Sat 05-Nov-16 10:32:07

I wouldn't have for one second taken that as a sexist comment 😳 I would have taken it as he was generally chuffed because you were there, as he fancied you/enjoyed your company/ etc etc

JenLindleyShitMom Sat 05-Nov-16 10:34:13

I dont think I understand the comment. Is there context you have left out? I can't see sexism otherwise.

OhTheRoses Sat 05-Nov-16 10:36:43

He was pleased you were there and expressed it. You were extremely rude and ungracious.

Lorelei76 Sat 05-Nov-16 10:39:09

I would have asked what he meant.

microsnake Sat 05-Nov-16 10:39:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ageingrunner Sat 05-Nov-16 10:40:12

Was he just trying to be friendly? Yoi sound like you were quite rude, sorry

CharlieSierra Sat 05-Nov-16 10:42:29

Of course it was sexist! He didn't single out any of the men and comment on their decision to come out. It was sexist and fucking patronising.

EBearhug Sat 05-Nov-16 10:43:41

Was he saying it to any of the men who don't go out to work events? I suspect not. If he was, then he's not sexist, but I think it's probably patronising and inappropriate. Sounds like he expected you to respond with something like, "oh, how lovely of you to say so," and then you didn't, so he had to explain you were doing it wrong.

I think my response would have probably been more neutral, though only a bit - "everyone else is here, why wouldn't I be?" And if he were to respond with something obviously sexist or patronising, I'd probably launch into a rant about this is why there aren't more women in IT and if we're going to fix the issues with diversity, then men like him will need to stop behaving like we're exotic rare animals at a zoo. At this point, my colleagues would be pissing themselves, because I have a reputation for asking "those" questions in all- hands meetings and so on, and they could predict it would go that way.

You can probably find out the figures for female employees, if it's a big tech company - ours are in the annual report. It doesn't break it down by role, though, and while our overall figure is a bit above the industry average, that's partly because it's balanced out by HR and the like being around 50/50. I know my tech division was about 8% women 4 years ago, but I am failing to get recent figures. (I have asked.)

Also, most big tech companies have a woman's organisation these days - might be worth asking someone there how they would respond?

newmumwithquestions Sat 05-Nov-16 10:44:51

In what way is that sexist? He likes you, or did until you ripped into him in public. Given he took you to one side to disagree with you I'm struggling with what he did wrong here.

BoredOfWaiting Sat 05-Nov-16 10:45:22

I agree with you OP it's sexist. It has connotations of: "It's so brave of you to come out with all these men!"

He sounds like a twat.

JosephineMaynard Sat 05-Nov-16 10:46:44

Is it unusual for you to go out with colleagues in these circumstances?

If it's unusual for you to be out, but the others are frequently out socialising, then it wouldn't seem sexist to me.

But otherwise it's a weird thing to say.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Sat 05-Nov-16 10:49:16

I've said it to female friends on a night out when I've been genuinely pleased they've come. Particularly if there's a reason why they might not have.

Shiningexample Sat 05-Nov-16 10:50:17

He picked a fight with you because your retort led to the other men laughing at him so he needed to pay you back for humiliating him

Men tend not to like it when a woman makes a fool of him in front of other men

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Sat 05-Nov-16 10:52:36

Shining - that's a daft thing to say! Nobody likes being made a fool of in front of anybody. If that's even how he felt, we don't know that he did.

HmmmmBop Sat 05-Nov-16 10:53:05

Why have you assumed it's sexist? It must be exhausting to go through life overthinking things to this extent.

Shiningexample Sat 05-Nov-16 10:54:41

His initial comment may have been an attempt to establish some kind of status in the eyes of the other men by chatting you up a bit

Remember you are a mere woman, establishing dominance and relative status in a group of men is a far more pressing issue for them

LassWiTheDelicateAir Sat 05-Nov-16 10:56:41

Is it unusual for you to go out with colleagues in these circumstances?

If it's unusual for you to be out, but the others are frequently out socialising, then it wouldn't seem sexist to me

I've said it to female friends on a night out when I've been genuinely pleased they've come

my thoughts too.

Shiningexample Sat 05-Nov-16 10:57:08

Op asked for opinions, I gave mine, you are free to disagree, no need to slap me down though
Why are you so defensive Milk?

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