Ended up in hospital with a ruptured ovarian cyst due to 'vigorous' sex

(58 Posts)
GollumsAddiction Wed 07-Sep-16 20:26:52

I'm sorry if this is in entirely the wrong place but im concerned about posting on the more active boards but also think my concerns will be taken seriously here without any 'drama'.

This was many, many years ago. Almost a decade. I've been in the same relationship with a slightly older man since I was 16 and I'm coming to the conclusion in my early 30's that it has been a controlling and sexually abusive relationship. I have posted about this under a different name recently on mn.

Someone asked me (in rl) whether he'd ever actually caused any physical pain and my first reaction was defensively NO but I'm my own worst enemy in terms of deception.
This memory has become a private joke between me and Dp but now evaluating it with fresh, sober eyes has made me uncomfortable.

Much of the sex we had left me in crippling physical pain pre dd as I had a variety of undiagnosed gynae issues. I grew up thinking that occasionally sex would leave you doubled up in pain and in bed for an hour or so afterwards and that you just got through it during. This was not dps fault this was the gynae issues.

One day in my early twenties we had very, very deep,rough sex one morning and after I couldn't do anything. I was in a lot of pain but also in denial. When I'm faced with anything challenging I sort of go into the 3rd person in my head. It allows me to cope with things like pain and allows me to talk about awkward situations without emotion. I managed to get myself into the shower and off to a pub lunch. I intrinsically felt uncomfortable sharing what had happened with a third party and my partner generally doesn't like us accepting help of any sort unless its life or death.
It became life or death. Eventually in the evening on my insistence he called a cab to the nearest out of hours surgery. The dr realised I was bleeding internally (peritonitis) and blue lit me in an ambulance to hospital. It was here that things started to feel deeply uncomfortable and wrong between us. I admitted to the A&E nurse that it had all started during a 'vigorous' sex session and it became a running joke in front of me by by the consultant dr and his team. Blustering in saying 'so I hear this happened during some vigorous sex this morning, hahahaha!' I felt ashamed and awful and insignificant whilst he laughed in a 'lads together ' way with Dp. Only the two junior female sho Drs had the good grace to look uncomfortable. Dp also made comments about the fact he was glad/proud od resently waxed and was wearing sexy, matching underwear in front of so many people. Although it was common knowledge by the staff that my corpus luteal cyst had been ruptured during sex not one member of staff enquired whether I was ok with sex this 'vigorous'. If they had enquired I'm in no doubt that I'd have blown their concerns out of the water but it just got me thinking. Does this raise any abuse hackles or am I just reading to much into the past.

ChampagneTastes Wed 07-Sep-16 20:30:28

Yes, that's an appalling story. I'm so sorry this happened to you. If you are the poster I think you are, I hope you are finding a way to get out of this relationship.

flowers

GissASquizz Wed 07-Sep-16 20:35:34

He's a total shit. You're not a real person to him, are you? A normal person would be horrified to cause discomfort let alone pain to their sexual partner. I wonder if I vigorously ripped his balls off and then told him how proud I was of my grip whether he'd find it funny? Bloke should never have climbed out of the soup.

ImperialBlether Wed 07-Sep-16 20:38:53

That is horrifying. I hope now that you've written it out, you can see exactly how bad it was.

Barksdale Wed 07-Sep-16 20:39:28

I'm sorry that this happened to you.

I'm due to start medical training and if I encounter a woman in your position, I will make sure to get her alone and ask. Even if it's just "sorry but I have to check" at the end of providing treatment. Even if it won't make a difference, I suppose it's worth it.

It seems like really bad form to keep the partner in the room when someone is in for a sensitive type of injury where abuse could be flagged.

GollumsAddiction Wed 07-Sep-16 20:44:49

I now work in health care so am also surprised that no one talked to me alone or sent him out during trans vaginal scans (internal vaginal scans). It honestly never occurred to me that it could be abuse until recently.

Barksdale Wed 07-Sep-16 20:50:29

* I intrinsically felt uncomfortable sharing what had happened with a third party and my partner generally doesn't like us accepting help of any sort unless its life or death.
It became life or death. Eventually in the evening on my insistence he called a cab to the nearest out of hours surgery. *

This almost bothers me more than the sex though, OP. The fact he made the decision about calling a cab and you couldn't get one yourself. I may be misinterpreting it and maybe you just wanted him there, but I'm going from "doesn't like us accepting help". It sounds like a very codependent relationship where you're sort of one person rather than having breathing space.

I hope you leave if you decide that this isn't making you happy.

QueenLaBeefah Wed 07-Sep-16 20:51:26

It does sound abusive. Absolutely.

The fact he seemed to be there during all your examinations seems to be very controlling. And the banter with make doctors is horrible.

And you going into the 3rd person with yourself seems to indicate that your self conscience knew this was all kinds of wrong.

I'm sorry this happened to you. flowers

erinaceus Wed 07-Sep-16 21:00:05

HCP (healthcare professionals) can be horribly invalidating - not all, by any means, but they can be. The experience you describe sounds like an horrific experience to go through.

I do the third-person thing too, for the worst of the memories, in case this makes you feel any less alone. flowers

GollumsAddiction Wed 07-Sep-16 21:03:10

Thank you

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 07-Sep-16 21:14:13

He shouldn't have been there for everything. An ex of mine was sent out so the nurse could ask me about the relationship.

GollumsAddiction Wed 07-Sep-16 21:19:26

No one ever asked him to go out as far as I know. If they had of done I'd have said it'd be fine anyway.

No one ever asked about our relationship. This was a major London hospital. Now working in health care I'm surprised.

The next morning I went for a scan which he wasn't part of. No one ever brought up the subject of possible abuse and as I said before I would have denied it and believed my own words.

IWantAMooseCalledDominic Wed 07-Sep-16 21:27:22

When I was younger, an ex accidentally injured me during sex and I was in severe pain. He was so horrified that he'd hurt me, and was falling over himself to get whatever I needed to try get comfortable. I ended up going to my gp the next day and she gently asked me questions about the relationship obviously to ascertain whether it was abusive etc.

That's the kind of experience that you should have had Gollums, not what you had to endure from hcps and your p.

Really hope you're getting some RL support flowers

Barksdale Wed 07-Sep-16 21:27:58

Even if it wouldn't have made a difference, I'd consider it duty of care to ask at least.

skatesection Wed 07-Sep-16 21:33:50

Yeah, you're right, this was abusive. I go third-person to dissociate from bad shit too.
I hate that the consultant was colluding in it, as well. It's one thing to have a laugh and a joke with a patient and it's another thing to have a laugh and a joke at the expense of a patient, right in front of her while she looks uncomfortable and embarrassed.
I'm sorry this happened to you.

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 07-Sep-16 21:34:15

My nurse made ex go out. Offered me a support person in the room but wanted him out. He could come back in but they wanted to speak to me separately. My doctors surgery was always great for abuse prevention, though. I had burns once and she spoke to me for a few minutes before I realised she was working out if ex was abusive.

KittensDoNotLikeFluffyBlankets Wed 07-Sep-16 21:41:17

That's horrible Gollums. The third person thing you do us called dissociation. It's a protective mechanism for traumatic situations e.g. A lot of rape victims describe this happening to them.

Your partner being present during examinations, the delay in getting you to medical treatment, the quips designed to demean you, show possession of you and reduce your value to how much you resembled someone in a porn film, they all point to abuse and control.

You were let down by your healthcare providers too. Should have been real red flags to them.

Take care flowers

GollumsAddiction Wed 07-Sep-16 21:41:30

Even if that'd happened I'd have said nothing. Part of me still believes it's all innocent and that I'm thinking too much.

JacquettaWoodville Wed 07-Sep-16 21:42:37

That's appalling, OP. I think maybe I know who you are and I really hope you can leave soon xx

GollumsAddiction Wed 07-Sep-16 21:43:51

I don't think I've ever been raped. I've had a lot of sex I didn't want but not rape. I don't want to turn him into a fictitious villain.

GollumsAddiction Wed 07-Sep-16 21:45:05

Yes, Smeagol/gollum I find the addiction analogy relevant.

JacquettaWoodville Wed 07-Sep-16 21:45:27

If you had hurt anybody to the point of their needing a&e, would you be making jokes and talking about how sexy they looked?

No, you'd be feeling awful, fetching them cups of tea, doing anything you could to help. And that would be for a stranger that, say, you'd bumped into and knocked over.

This is someone supposed to love and cherish you who did this to you and then made jokes.

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 07-Sep-16 21:54:43

And there's something really possessive and sinister about wanting your injured, distressed partner to be waxed and matching when examined. Deeply odd and worrying.

ImperialBlether Wed 07-Sep-16 22:01:59

I thought sex you didn't want was rape?

GollumsAddiction Wed 07-Sep-16 22:04:23

I'm quite slovenly in that department and think there's nothing wrong with a bit of 70's style bush. It's more flattering in my opinion on a child bearing women's body. Despite being a utter weak and dismal person I truly believe in feminist principles. He 'agrees'.

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