Being the breadwinner as a mum and a woman

(11 Posts)
DaniSecker Tue 30-Aug-16 12:34:30

So was just curious on people's thoughts.
I'm the sole breadwinner in our house, my partner looks after the kids for two/three of my shifts and my mum looks after them for one. Now alot of people's attitudes when the man is the sole breadwinner is that they're expected to do chores and childcare, but not as much as the woman who stays at home and looks after the kids. But ive noticed that, I do equal shares when I'm at home, and I barely get to catch my breath with the kids (I work Saturday-Tuesday 8-8 so I don't see them much during that time, maybe half an hour in the morning if they wake up early enough) anyway, I feel like I'm still expected to do the work of a mum, while doing the work of the dad. Maybe I put it on myself (guilt of being at work?) But there's certainly no 50s housewife gender switch here. Anyone else feel like we have to do it all?
(Just to clarify my partner is great at keeping the house tidy... just not so great at keeping the house clean)

sentia Tue 30-Aug-16 12:42:29

I'm the sole breadwinner and while I do a lot around the house and with DD it's not half. DH does the majority, we also have a cleaner. No the house isn't immaculate but then it wouldn't be if I was a SAHM either!

I don't feel guilty about the household maintenance / housework part. I do feel sad about not spending more time with DD but someone has to pay the mortgage, life is a series of compromises and this is one I have chosen.

Thefitfatty Tue 30-Aug-16 12:48:47

I'm the sole breadwinner, however DH is in school full time. We have a nanny who handles the cleaning, however DH and I do our best to juggle other responsibilities like school pick up/drop off, errands, etc. Sometimes I feel like I have to do it all, but I know DH feels the same way. I think it's called being working parents. :/

DaniSecker Tue 30-Aug-16 14:08:43

Unfortunately I can't afford a cleaner or a nanny on £18,000 a year lol!

sentia Tue 30-Aug-16 14:17:25

Even if I did the three hours a week of cleaning that the cleaner does, it still wouldn't be 50:50 between DH and I. What else do you do? Have you talked to him about the division of labour?

MrNoseybonk Tue 30-Aug-16 15:19:37

Maybe I put it on myself (guilt of being at work?)

What does that mean? It reads to me as if you don't have to do more of the housework, but that you do it out of a sense of guilt (or duty?).
If that's the case, then I'd say the 50:50 split should be stuck to (by you) rather than you doing extra.

Dilligufdarling Tue 30-Aug-16 15:27:44

I work FT monday to Friday and am out of the house from 7 till 8 every day. During the week DS (4) is in nursery for 1.5 days a week and DH is a FT sahd.
During the week DH does everything a home. All cooking, cleaning, childcare, household bills and a fair to large amount of DIY.
At the weekends we split everything that needs to be done equally, but generally I take on more of the childcare/entertaining because I miss it and feel bad if I don't spend that time with DS.
I know I'm lucky in that my DH is willing and more than capable of taking on all of the "at home" roles. In truth he's probably better suited to it than I am, and I'm certainly better suited to the commute and general working mundaness than he is.
As the previous poster said, if I was ft at home then the house wouldn't be squeaky clean at all times either!

Lessthanaballpark Tue 30-Aug-16 16:08:23

It's about leisure time. Do you have the same amount?

MaudlinNamechange Fri 02-Sep-16 09:33:22

I used to have a SAHD DP for a while and he did very little. He used to feed the children on home made food that I had made and put in the freezer. he didn't clean or tidy or change sheets or anything like that. I never once had dinner cooked for me. Not once.

I find it very sad, upsetting and exhausting, but didn't know how to say anything about it because he flies off the handle at perceived criticism and amps it all up implying I have said about 500% of what i have actually said.

so if I said something like "it would be nice when you make dinner if you were to make enough sometimes to put some aside for me in the evenings" it would turn into him screaming at me for expecting him to be some kind of kitchen slave, turning out 4 course meals while the children cry unregarded.

I could never tell him anything about what wasn't working for me or how unsupported I felt having all this stuff pile up for me at the weekends, because it would just turn into this diatribe about "I was never there" (because I was working - I never went out for fun) and how oppressed he was. I get it, life with 2 small kids is hard - I did a year's maternity leave with the baby and a toddler immediately before I handed them over to him - so I know how it was. But I tidied up after us and had a dinner on the table for him every night - even with a newborn.

I gave up. I was so unhappy that my sole objective was to put up with the situation till he got back into work so that if / when we split, he couldn't pull some "prime carer" shit on me. I thought: maybe I can address this in the future, but if I try now and this relationship breaks down irretrievably, then I lose my kids.

that was about 4 years ago. He's been working for about 3 years now, still pissed off with me for being an inadequate domestic appliance because of the amount of time I spend out of the house, and we are splitting. It's going to be shared residency, I think.

maggiethemagpie Thu 08-Sep-16 21:55:33

I'm very lucky in that I don't do much housework at all, my partner, who's a SAHD definitely does the majority.

I am working all day and he isn't.

Then again, I'm a lazy slob so the fact that I don't just do it when he should means that he has to pick up the slack or it doesn't get done.

My mum also comes and helps out once a week, we've told her she doesn't need to do but she insists (think it makes her feel needed or something)

So I don't agree that the woman always does more than their fair share. It's definitely a 1950s switch situation in our house.

I think I am unusual though

Cisoff Tue 13-Sep-16 15:04:46

I did the vast majority of it when I was at home with 3 little ones.

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